Everyone has difficult periods. Sometimes troubles concern people close and significant to us. What to do and how to help them? What words to choose in difficult times? Let's try to figure this out together.

Listen and hear

Paradoxically, you shouldn’t immediately rush to a person with words of support. Templates will lead nowhere. The main thing is to understand what is happening inside him now, and from this the necessary words will be found.

But the ability to listen and hear is not given to everyone. “Well, let him go!” two women say after breaking up their relationship. Only for one is it really anger, which will lift her to unprecedented feats in all areas. And the second has a cry of despair, a convulsive attempt to drown out the understanding that without him she will be lost.

Or another example: “My boss is a fool and I quit my job,” three men stunned their household. Only one has long had a plan in his mind to try something of his own; the second has complete depression and a feeling of being of no use to anyone; and the third is generally happily going to “rest for a week or two” before starting to look for a new job.

Hence the main first point: understand how significant this problem is for a person: it completely breaks him - then it will be necessary to console him and “resurrect” him; she is an impetus to radically change his life - support and believe in his endeavors; But if this problem is just a screen to “get out” of the matter, do not overdo it with “wiping your nose.”

Men don't cry or complain

This point especially applies to representatives of the stronger sex, although some women have also set themselves a number of taboos, from which they may later suffer. Negative emotions need to be released. If a person keeps them all inside and does not let them out, he actually begins to “burn” himself from the inside. Many experts believe that it is our domestic attitude that “men should not cry and complain, otherwise they are not men, but rags” that has led to such a huge number of heart attacks and strokes in middle-aged men. And, if in Europe representatives of the stronger sex go to a psychologist, in eastern countries they relieve tension through physical activity, then our man goes to a bar, where the problem does not find a way out, but the liver is also strained.

Important advice - try to bring the person to an explosion of emotions: let him cry out his pain, resentment or disappointment; let him speak out, swear at all the offenders. If this doesn’t work out for him, make him move: go home with him on foot across the city, have a pillow fight, write the name of the offender on a piece of paper and make him tear and trample on this paper.

A good exercise for relieving acute stress: a person claps his hands and stomps with all his might until vibration occurs in the limbs and a tingling feeling occurs. If the client is completely in a state of incredible depression, be sure to bring him to a psychologist.

It happens that a person now cannot retell or say anything: the grief is so strong. This often happens with the sudden death of a loved one. And just in this case it is necessary to cry. You can also hug a person, thus expressing support and sway a little with him. This pendulum movement is absolutely natural; it is designed by our body to relieve off-scale tension. By the way, many people do this instinctively during periods of excitement, without even realizing it.

The main thing is to have a reliable shoulder nearby

Offer the person help. Often in critical situations a person is afraid to be left alone with the problem. He may not contact you, but it will give you confidence that there is a person nearby who can support and help.

Well, if there is no one else close to you, then you should not only offer help, but also take on relevant and pressing matters: prepare food, clean, fill out the necessary documents or make orders.

Try to distract yourself from annoying thoughts

Constantly returning to your collapse makes you miss a bunch of new opportunities. Focusing on the breakup of a relationship prevents us from noticing the new person who may actually be destiny. Distract the person: take him to a new place, a cinema, a park, a cafe. Although, of course, such proposals should be timely and adequate: you should not drag your ward to a night disco immediately after the funeral. But, if even after a week you are told that “I’d rather sleep curled up,” you shouldn’t postpone active intervention. It doesn’t take long to develop depression with suicidal thoughts.

Caring, forbearance and understanding are what a person needs. There is no need to flaunt: “I warned you!” or “I told you so!” The person already feels disgusting, and you further reinforce his shaky position. Offer the person advice, but so that he comes to it himself. If you put pressure and demand to do something immediately, then the person may simply “close in his shell.”

Everything in this life is for a reason

This is wisdom or an axiom that must always be kept in mind. Any problem and negative situation, after some time, must be considered from the point of view: why was it given to me? What conclusion should I draw from it? It’s better to learn to understand people, try a different field of activity, and become more persistent. “After all, what doesn’t kill us always makes us stronger!”

Trampling on the rake

And the most difficult thing: someone else’s soul, as they say, is in the dark. Sometimes people don’t want to draw conclusions and learn from mistakes. They like to return to their previous relationship a hundred times and again leave with a broken heart, or find the same tyrant boss. But it’s worth remembering: this is their life, not yours. And therefore, they derive some degree of pleasure from the experiences, emotions and comforts of a soap opera. No need to get annoyed about this. Each person chooses his own happiness. In this case, try not to get so emotionally involved.

The same goes for older people. Are you already sick of all the negativity that flows in a continuous stream? Don't argue or contradict. Just imagine how offensive it is for a person to give all his strength and drag out a not entirely worthy existence or feel like a burden. Think about it, this is your soul mate, without which you wouldn’t exist. So just say in response how much you love, appreciate and worry!

So what words should you choose?

So what words to choose for all this? Only sincere! If in front of you really significant person, you can safely tell him how important, beloved and valuable he is to you; and what are you willing to do to help him. And also frankly, not for pathos. But remember that whether to accept or not accept your help is up to the person himself. Perhaps he is not ready yet. But how to be close, exactly in right time- no one will tell you except your inner voice. But the reward of such efforts will be a closer connection and relationships tested by troubles.

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A study conducted in China shows that most people who are in a difficult situation or suffering from depression turn to friends (78.7%) and family (75.6%) for support. But family and friends don’t always know how to properly support loved one. We make the same mistakes again and again, which not only do not help the person in trouble, but can also cause harm.

website collected advice from psychologists and people who find themselves in difficult situations on how to properly support a person experiencing grief.

1. Be there

A person who has experienced misfortune is in dire need of support. The best way support a close friend or loved one- just be there. If necessary, you can move in with him for a while or visit him regularly.

People who have experienced grief recall that the most effective thing was a friendly hug and simple words sympathy and support: “I’m really sorry.” Prophetic phrases like “Everything will be fine,” on the contrary, cause irritation. They look empty because no one can know the future.

2. Don't be intrusive

When a misfortune happens to our friends or acquaintances, for example, someone close to them ends up in the hospital, we want to be in the know. The hand reaches out to the phone to find out the news first hand.

Don't answer the phone with requests to keep you updated. It's better to write than to call. A person may be busy or avoid conversation, but he will be able to respond to letters and SMS when the opportunity and time arises.

3. Don't ask for details.

Often people want to know more and details of what happened. But how can they help? This is a simple expression of curiosity.

Imagine for yourself what it’s like for a person in trouble to return to misfortune again and again and experience it again. There is an Irish proverb that goes something like this: “If a man is just interested in history, he is not your friend.”

4. Offer specific help

People who find themselves in difficult situations need help. That's for sure. So there is no need to ask if you need help. Say directly that you want to help and specify what you can do.

A person who has fallen on hard times usually needs household help: taking the children to kindergarten or school, preparing lunch, going to the store, walking the dog, taking them to the hospital. If you take on some of the daily responsibilities yourself, it will really make his life easier.

5. Organize a fundraiser

People who have fallen on hard times sometimes need money. But accepting money is always difficult, and it is even more difficult to ask for financial assistance. Of course, if there is no question of life and death.

Don't ask a person in trouble if he needs money. It’s better to organize a collection of money yourself and give the collected amount. This will be good support, you will be grateful.

You can do without searching for reasons and assumptions. There is no need to make hypotheses: “if it hadn’t rained, maybe the accident wouldn’t have happened” or “if you weren’t late, maybe you wouldn’t have lost your job.”

We are not prophets, and none of us could have known what would happen. The past cannot be returned, and these assumptions certainly will not help. Just hug the grieving person and sympathize with him.

Surely you also had to console a friend or family member or accept support yourself. Which of these tips would you use? Perhaps you have your own, really working way to support in a difficult situation?

Hearing

The main thing is to be sure to let the person speak out. You should not be afraid of the flow of revelations and panic: no one requires you to be active and immediately solve all problems. It is also better to leave questions, advice and universal wisdom for later: at this stage, a person just needs to know that he is not alone, that he is heard, and they sincerely sympathize with him.

Listening does not mean standing still like a statue and remaining silent until the very end of the monologue. This behavior is more like indifference. It is possible and even necessary to show “signs of life” in order to console a loved one: say “Yes”, “I understand you”, sometimes repeat words or phrases that seemed key - all this will show that you really care. And at the same time it will help you collect your thoughts: both for your interlocutor and, by the way, for yourself.

It's a gesture

There is a simple set of gestures to help sympathizers. An open posture (without arms crossed on the chest), a slightly bowed head (preferably at the same level as the head of the person you are listening to), understanding nods, an approving chuckle in time with the conversation and open palms are subconsciously perceived as a sign of attention and participation. When it comes to a loved one with whom you are accustomed to maintaining physical contact, soothing touches and stroking will not hurt. If the speaker becomes hysterical, and this also happens quite often, then one of the options to calm him down is to hug him tightly. With this, you seem to tell him: I am near, I accept you, you are safe.

It is better not to experiment with people you don’t know in terms of physical contact: firstly, you yourself may feel awkward; secondly, such behavior may turn off a person with a strict personal space. You should also be very careful if you are a victim of physical violence.

No change

Many of us believe that we should not dwell on stress. “Pull yourself together!”, “Find a reason for joy” - this is a standard set of phrases that the culture of global positivity and lightness of life hammers into our heads. Alas, all these attitudes in 90 cases out of 100 have the opposite effect and do not help at all to console a person with words. Having firmly believed that we must look for the positive in everything, we learn not to work on the problem, but to overwhelm it with a mass of conditionally positive experiences. As a result, the problem does not disappear anywhere, and it becomes more and more difficult to return to it and try to solve it every day.

If a person constantly returns to the same topic, it means that stress is still making itself felt. Let him talk as much as necessary (provided that you can handle this process yourself). Do you see how it has become easier? Great. You can slowly change the topic.

If specifically

What words can you use to comfort someone? Often, someone in trouble feels like a social outcast - it seems to him that his misfortunes are unique and no one cares about his experiences. The phrase “Is there anything I can do to help?” It seems banal and insipid, but nevertheless it shows your willingness to share the problem and be in the same boat with the victim. And it’s even better to offer something specific: “Do you want me to come to you right now and we’ll discuss everything?”, “Dictate the list of what you need - I’ll bring it within a day,” “Now I’ll call all the lawyers I know (doctors, psychologists), maybe What will they advise” or simply “Come any time.” And even if the answer is an irritated grumbling in the style of “No need, I’ll figure it out myself,” the very desire to help will have a positive effect.

Help should only be offered if you are really ready for heroic deeds, wasting time, money and emotions. Don’t overestimate your strengths, promising what you can’t do will only make things worse in the end.

Popular

Under supervision

Assurances like “Don’t touch me, leave me alone, I want to be alone” often indicate not so much a desire to cope with the situation alone, but rather an excessive obsession with the problem and, unfortunately, a state close to panic. Therefore, it is strictly not recommended to leave it alone for a long time. Unless for an extremely limited period of time, while being nearby and keeping your finger on the pulse.

Often the mood to “withdraw into oneself” provokes excessive curiosity of others, sometimes not even close ones at all, their excessive pity, and patronizing attitude. Nobody likes it. Therefore, when you see someone in front of you in exactly this state, you should moderate the level of your feelings and sympathy (at least externally) and make it clear that you are not going to teach him about life or put pressure on him with authority, but at the same time you sincerely want to help.

He, she

We are accustomed to believing that a woman is an emotionally unstable creature and is always prone to a hysterical reaction, while a man is strong and resilient by default, and therefore is able to cope with stress alone. However, this is not entirely true.

Recent research by scientists shows that a socially isolated man tolerates stress much worse than a woman left to her own devices: he is more prone to withdrawal and depression (and girls even have an increased immunity in force majeure situations!). And the problem that we, emotional ones, will experience and yet forget, can torment the male brain for a long time. Psychologists believe that such a protracted reaction is a consequence of the fact that boys are taught from childhood to remain silent and pay more attention to their reputation than to their state of psychological comfort.

A man needs consolation, but it will be brought by actions rather than words. How to console a loved one? Your arrival, a delicious dinner, an unobtrusive attempt to stir things up will work much better than verbal confessions. In addition, the active behavior of someone nearby brings men to their senses. And also make it clear that it won’t hurt him to speak out and you don’t see anything wrong with it.

Rescue those who help

Sometimes we get so carried away with saving drowning people that it becomes an obsession. Which, by the way, is what the victim himself indulges in: having gotten used to your readiness to listen, he, without realizing it, turns into your personal energy vampire and begins to dump everything negative emotions on your fragile shoulders. If this goes on for too long, you will soon need help yourself.

By the way, for some people the opportunity to help someone turns into a way to get away from their own problems. This should absolutely not be allowed - sooner or later there is a risk of a full-fledged nervous breakdown.

If after long and, as it seems to you, therapeutic conversations, you feel like a lemon, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and irritability appear - you should slow down a little. In such a state, you are unlikely to help anyone, but you can easily harm yourself.

Depression

We like to use the diagnosis “depression” with or without reason. And although only a specialist can diagnose this disease, there are still common signs that, if manifested, require urgent seeking of qualified help. This:

Apathy, sadness, prevalence of bad mood;

Loss of strength, motor retardation or, conversely, nervous fussiness;

Slowing down of speech, long pauses, freezing in place;

Decreased concentration;

Loss of interest in habitually joyful things and events;

Loss of appetite;

Insomnia;

Decreased sexual desire.

At least a couple of the symptoms listed above - and you really should find a good psychotherapist for the victim.

Text: Daria Zelentsova

Laura Horne is the director of programs at Active Minds, the first national non-profit organization dedicated to educating students about mental health. Prior to joining Active Minds, she led community initiatives at the National Association of County and City Health Officials and Tulane University. She received her MPH from Tulane University. She is certified by the National Commission on Certification in Health Education as a Health Education Specialist.

Number of sources used in this article: . You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.

So, your friend is having difficulties. True friends always find a way to support each other. Sometimes people feel awkward when their friend is in trouble because they are unsure of what to say. Don't worry about it. It is enough to be there and maintain optimism. Here are some tips on how to support a friend in a difficult situation.

Steps

How to behave?

    Constantly offer a helping hand, even if it is pushed away. You will not help your friend in any way if you withdraw from him in a situation when problems arise. A good friend is always there, ready to listen or wipe away tears even in the middle of the night. There are people who are annoyed by other people's problems. These are not real friends.

    • Offer your company, even if a friend tells you he wants to be alone. At the same time, there is no need to force him to talk when he is not yet ready. Give him time alone, and then offer your help again. Several times. No need to run away. Sometimes people simply don't know what to say to friends who are in trouble, so they remain silent or distance themselves from them. This could hurt your friend even more.
    • Your main job is to offer support. When a person is in trouble, it is important for him to simply know that there is a friend nearby who is ready to listen, give advice or show concern. Call or write a message with a simple question: “How are you? Is there anything I can help you with?
    • Be willing to listen and always stay in touch. Keep your phone on and be prepared to talk until two in the morning if your friend is having a crisis. Reply to messages. Always take the time to listen to the person. No need to act weird. Choose the right environment and don't ambush if your friend isn't ready to talk to you yet.((expertgreenbox:161080| Don't worry about not having anything to say. Laura Horne, a mental health educator, says: “In many situations you don't have to be an expert - you just have to be there. Talk to the person so they know you are always ready to help. If there is a need for this, encourage a friend to apply for it.”

  1. Stay calm around an upset person. Become the cliff where your friend can escape during the storm. Imagine that you are an anchor for a ship. Try not to show your frustration about the current situation.

    • Don't lose your composure. Otherwise, your friend may think that the problem is more complicated than he sees it, or cannot be solved at all, which will upset him even more. Just understand that sometimes a person needs to be upset for a while, there is nothing wrong with that.
    • You should show sympathy, but excessive pity can only make the situation worse.
    • Don't make hasty decisions that will only make things worse. After all, you don't understand the problem that deeply. Do not take any action until you consult a friend. It is important to know how he will react to this (except when a friend is in danger or being abused; in such cases necessary act immediately).

  2. Listen, but don't forget to talk sometimes. You must listen carefully, but sometimes your friend will feel better just because you keep the conversation going. Always make eye contact to show empathy.

    • Share something good about other people's lives with a positive outcome. At the same time, do not forget to listen to your friend. Sometimes people just need to vent.
    • Remember that your friend is already having a hard time. Stay optimistic and positive. After all, this is exactly what he needs now - help. Let him chat about trifles. Sometimes a person needs to express everything that has accumulated. Even a sympathetic nod of the head with an expression of understanding or a remark like: “I will help you cope with this” plays a big role. You are very strong."

  3. Various cases require a different approach. For example, you will behave differently with a friend in the event of the loss of a loved one and in the event of financial difficulties. Take the time to research your specific situation.

    Maintain physical connection with comforting hugs. You can also gently touch your shoulder. Expressing empathy through physical touch creates a connection that makes a person feel cared for and feel better.

    • Sometimes there's nothing better than a friendly hug. You don't need to say anything, just open your arms and let yourself be hugged. Take your time to step away so that the person feels your support. Try to make him smile.
    • Sing a song, dance, or tell a joke. If a person is able to laugh again, it will be easier for him to come to his senses and think about his next steps.

    What can I say?

      • NEVER try to show that your problems are more global. Even if you were chased by a killer clown last night sunglasses, you should focus on your friend's problem, be it troubles with his spouse or problems at work.
      • This doesn't mean you can't share common experiences if you've had similar problems and were able to overcome them. However, try to resist the urge to say that you have already experienced the same thing, since every situation is unique. Just don't say too much.

    2. Avoid trite clichés that are unhelpful. We've all heard the words, "I understand how you feel (even though you don't really understand)," or, "It could be worse," when someone is feeling terrible. Do not repeat hackneyed platitudes, speak from the heart and specifically according to the situation.

      • Friends need to know how to use honesty effectively. If your friend is going through a difficult time, try to evaluate the situation and look at it from your point of view. Put yourself in your friend's shoes and feel their current emotions.
      • Tell him that you are very worried and also allow him to express his feelings. Don't give hackneyed advice so that your friend doesn't feel even more sad and thinks you don't care. Stay realistic. Don't say "Everything is fine" if it isn't. Try to offer an inspiring solution.

    3. Maintain a positive attitude and control negative thoughts. You will hurt your friend more if you say: “I told you that it was time to do this a long time ago,” or: “How many times have I told you this?” After such words, you will regret starting this conversation.

      • If a friend constantly makes the same mistake, then try to calmly address this by offering alternative solutions. There is no need to present your words as an attempt to accuse someone of stupidity. Don't judge others. That's the whole point. Now is not the time or place.
      • Save talking about mistakes made for when the crisis is behind you. When problems occur, friends should be comforted, not made to feel even worse. Do not say phrases like: “I told you so,” or: “This happened through your fault.”
      • Imagine the following. You - best friend Anna, whose parents are divorcing. Be there for her so she can cry into your shoulder, tell you about her problems, and you can cheer her up. But... She may want to be alone. Pack a thoughtful package for her with movies, sweets, and things that will make her smile. Be a good friend and support her during difficult times, as you would want the same attitude towards yourself.

    4. Suggest solutions that might help. They expect you to effective ways problem solving and emotional support. Help us consider the positive aspects that have not gone away. Remind your friend that she doesn't deserve this kind of trouble.

      Accept the fact that your friend may not listen to you. good friend gives advice and recommendations, but at the same time understands that even the closest person may not be ready to accept support. Each person needs a certain amount of time to cope with difficulties - problems in relationships, financial troubles, losses and other hardships.

      • Understand and accept that your actions will not always lead to the desired results. This should not upset you and discourage you from helping your friend.
      • Help find the causes of problems and outline solutions. Use your experience, instincts and advice from other people. Say: “This is your life and you must make the decision that you think is right. Don't you think ____ might end in ___? Maybe try __? It’s up to you to decide,” instead of: “This is a terrible idea, it’s better to ___.”

    What else can you do?

    1. Report about ill-treatment or other issues that affect the safety of friends. Not all problems are the same. If your friend's troubles involve a threat to her safety (say, it could be relationship violence or attempts to harm herself), then you need to act immediately.

      Let your friend be sad, but not for long. Don't force your friends to smile and don't get angry if they can't overcome their bad mood. It's hard for them now. Sometimes you need to give free rein to your emotions, but don’t let this state drag on for a long time.

      • There comes a time when caring requires a little toughness from you. When does such a moment come? When a significant amount of time has passed and ongoing sadness/sadness/depression begins to have negative consequences for other aspects of life (for example, work or study).
      • At first, everyone needs to feel sad. After a while, you need to pull yourself together (the specific period of time depends on the person). Sooner or later it’s time to start looking for solutions to problems.

    2. It is important to understand that the problem may be beyond your control. If at some point you realize that your friend is not getting better, and every conversation for months now revolves around self-pity, you should probably offer a more drastic solution.

      Distract your friend by having fun. Find ways to distract him from the problem for a while. You can suggest going to the cinema. A person will leave his room and be able to forget about worries for at least a couple of hours.

    3. Don't tell anyone about other people's problems unless your friend is in danger. A friend told you about his problem only because he trusts you. If you do not justify his trust and tell others about his problems, then it is difficult to call you a good friend.

      • The only valid and very important exception is in situations involving violence, bullying, or other situations where your friends are in physical or emotional danger. In such cases, it is necessary to turn to people who can help. This could be parents, the police or a therapist.
      • In other situations, do not talk too much. Don’t mention other people’s problems on social networks and don’t tell other friends under the guise of wanting to help.

Tim Lawrence, a psychotherapist and journalist, wrote an article in which he talks about how you can really help a person experiencing grief. He warns that you need to be more careful with common phrases that are usually uttered for support - they can hurt even more.

We are publishing an article by Tim, who himself experienced the loss of loved ones at a young age and knows what we really need in difficult times.

I listen to a psychotherapist friend of mine talk about his patient. A woman was in a terrible accident, she is in constant pain and her limbs are paralyzed. I've heard this story ten times already, but one thing always shocks me. He told the poor woman that the tragedy had led to positive changes in her life.

“Everything in life happens for a reason,” these are his words. It amazes me how deeply ingrained this platitude is, even among psychotherapists. These words hurt and hurt cruelly. He wants to say that the incident forces the woman to grow spiritually. And I think this is complete nonsense. The accident broke her life and destroyed her dreams - that's what happened and there is absolutely nothing good about it.

Most importantly, this mindset prevents us from doing the only thing we should do when we are in trouble: grieve. My teacher Megan Devine says it well: “Some things in life cannot be fixed. This can only be experienced".

We grieve not only when someone close to us dies. We indulge in sadness when loved ones pass away, when hopes are dashed, when a serious illness strikes. The loss of a child and the betrayal of a loved one cannot be corrected - it can only be experienced.

If you are in trouble and someone tells you the following well-worn phrases: “everything that doesn’t happen is for the best”, “this will make you better and stronger”, “it was predestined”, “nothing happens for nothing”, “you need to take responsibility for your life”, “everything will be fine” - you can safely cross this person out of your life.

When we say things like this to our friends and family, even with the best of intentions, we are denying them the right to mourn, be sad, and be sad. I myself have experienced a huge loss, and I am haunted every day by the guilt that I am still alive, but my loved ones are no longer alive. My pain didn't go away, I just learned how to channel it through working with patients and understand them better.

But under no circumstances would it have occurred to me to say that this tragedy was a gift of fate that helped me grow spiritually and professionally. To say this is to trample on the memory of loved ones whom I lost too early, and those who faced a similar misfortune, but could not cope with it. And I'm not going to pretend that it was easy for me because I'm strong, or that I became "successful" because I was able to "take charge of my life."

Modern culture treats grief as a problem to be fixed, or as a disease to be cured. We do everything to drown out, repress our pain or somehow transform it. And when you suddenly face misfortune, the people around you turn into walking platitudes.

So what should you say to friends and family who are in trouble, instead of “everything in life is not accidental”? The last thing a person crushed by misfortune needs is advice or guidance. The most important thing is understanding.

Literally say the following: “I know you’re hurting. I'm here with you."

This means that you are willing to be there and suffer with your loved one - and this is incredibly powerful support.

There is nothing more important for people than understanding. It does not require any special skills or training, it is simply a willingness to be nearby and stay nearby as long as necessary.

Stay close. Just be there, even when you feel uncomfortable or feel like you're not doing anything useful. In fact, it is precisely when you are uncomfortable that you should make an effort to stay close.

“I know you're hurting. I'm close."

We so rarely allow ourselves to enter this gray zone - the zone of horror and pain - but this is where the roots of our healing lie. It begins when there are people who are ready to go there with us.

I ask you to do this for your loved ones. You may never know it, but your help will be invaluable. And if you ever get into trouble, find someone willing to be there for you. I guarantee he will be found.

Everyone else can go.