The question, by the way, is not funny at all - married women they probably know how unpleasant it is when a husband who has messed up the length and breadth is not at all going to admit that he was wrong and bring armfuls of roses in order to earn the mercy of his beloved wife.
And even to hell with them, with roses - if only he learned to face the truth and not be afraid to admit his mistakes! What should a wife do if her husband does not apologize?
Why do you need your husband to apologize?
It is clear that the thought “I wish he would come up and apologize, because he’s wrong !!” occurs first in very different situations. But we suggest not to be guided by the first emotional impulse, but to consider what you really want from your husband:
- So that he understands that his point of view is wrong, the action plan is ineffective, etc., and never did the same again?
- So that you make peace and live on in love and harmony?
- Or - so that he can see how offended and unhappy you are, come up, apologize and ask for your forgiveness (on your terms, of course)?
So, each of these goals (except for the third - to “knock out” phrases of apology from the husband) can be achieved without the indispensable ritual of asking for forgiveness.
You can also prove to your husband the fallacy of his logic with logic, or by pointing at real example like what, etc. Men in general are much more respected when they are spoken to in the language of reason, and not emotions.
Maybe the “victory of reason” will not entail a stormy apology, but in any case, the husband will see that he acted illogically, and next time he will act differently. Has the goal been achieved or do you want something else?
Oh yes, you're offended. And you want love and harmony.
In general, the simplest and always available option is to spit on the evidence of your innocence and continue to live peacefully, unless something completely unacceptable for you and fundamentally requiring dotting the “i” has not happened. Simply put, forgive your husband. This is actually much easier and in 99% of cases more correct than thinking about how to make the guilty spouse apologize.
How to make him apologize, and is it necessary?
In view of the above goals, we suggest that every time you want to make your husband apologize, use the following algorithm for understanding what happened:
- The husband did something wrong from your point of view - is it fundamentally important for you that he act differently?
- If it is important for you that he acts differently, can you clearly and logically justify to him what he is wrong about?
- He agreed with your logic - do you really need apology phrases in this case?
- You gave logical evidence, but he does not agree with them. For example, he is satisfied with the current result of his actions, or he sees another way to solve problems, etc. So, he is also an independent person who has the right to his own opinion. Can you get along with a person who has such an opinion and is not going to change it?
- If you can and want to continue to be his wife, leave your spouse alone and recognize his right to act in his own way. If you can’t, the reasoning and actions of your husband are fundamentally unacceptable for you - so maybe you are not a couple? ..
The wrong way to make your husband apologize
And, unfortunately, very common.
By the way, the method is often effective - the husband does apologize, but in the long term, with the regular use of this mechanism, relations only loosen, trust in each other is undermined, etc.
So, your husband has done something you don't like very much, perhaps even hurtful. And you were offended. In general, most husbands notice signs of resentment of their wives very quickly, and yours is no exception - only, apparently, he does not want to show it yet. You take offense even more severely and arrange a heartbreaking scene for your husband.
“How could you do this, don’t you understand how insulting I am?!”. At this stage, the husband, if he values his marriage and his relationship with his wife in any way, will apologize for anything, even for the assassination of Kennedy, if only to stop the female hysteria!
The result - in fact, the husband may not understand what exactly he did wrong, and continue to do exactly the same. Or - he perfectly understood what exactly angered his wife, but he remained with his views and will continue to do the same - only more carefully hide from his wife with his "dark deeds" so as not to run into a showdown.
And if you repeat this repeatedly, then a somewhat smart husband will even guess at a simple truth: a mere apology is more important for a wife than a husband’s acceptance of her point of view. One can say beautiful words, drag another "broom", and mow further! Would that suit you?
Therefore, advice from "Beautiful and Successful" - do not make your husband apologize!
Either try to prove something calmly and logically, or accept his course of action without resentment. Because “knocked out” apologies are usually insincere, and if the husband himself rethinks something, he will probably apologize himself, without coercion and cunning maneuvers on your part!
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Author - Dasha Blinova, website www.site - Beautiful and Successful
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Today I want to reveal to you another interesting feature of the male psyche, namely: why it is more difficult for men than for women to speak words of love and ask for forgiveness. This knowledge will allow you to better understand the behavior of your loved one and bring harmony to your daily communication! Let's start with useful theoretical knowledge :)
Scientists have established interesting fact that the hormones androgen and estrogen have a very strong influence on the activity of the brain and form typical differences in the thinking and behavior of men and women.
So, due to the presence of the hormone estrogen, women are more emotional than men.
According to research, girls the day after birth react more strongly to someone screaming or moaning than boys. After the first week of life, girls can distinguish a baby's cry from other noise, but boys cannot. Girls at the age of 4 months, unlike their male peers, begin to react differently to photos with images of familiar people.
In addition, the brain of a man and a woman has microscopic differences in its structure. For example, a man's brain is 10% larger than a woman's. But a woman has more nerve cells in the left hemisphere, which is responsible for the process of speech processing. It is easy for men to solve logical problems, design, work with details and measurements, because their right hemisphere of the brain is more developed than women. Women have more developed connections between the hemispheres of the brain, which helps to better perceive and process information received from both the right (intuition) and the left hemispheres (logic) faster.
These studies once again confirm the fact that men and women are different! And it would not be correct to expect similar behavior from one another.
Now let's figure out how to put this knowledge into practice, and how it is related to the peculiarities of the manifestation of emotions in men :)
Since men are always guided by logic, since childhood, many of them learn for themselves the principle: “Say less, do more!” In combination with the peculiarities of the structure and functioning of the brain, this principle makes men give more value what they do, not what they say.
This principle applies equally to the expression of love for a woman, and is also used by men as a way to ask for forgiveness.
Watch a man after a fight :)
Even if you decide to make attempts at reconciliation first and "reach out to the man" in the hope that he will then ask for forgiveness or apologize, the man, as a rule, will show stubbornness and complete unwillingness to admit his guilt.
This is because for men to ask for forgiveness means to lose a certain status! Even if a man feels guilty, he will not apologize simply because he thinks that after that he will look less manly!
Men DO NOT use their apologies as a way to reconnect with a loved one, that's what women do.
That is why, after a quarrel, give the man time so that he can assess the degree of his guilt in what happened, and then pay attention to the work of the principle: “Say less, do more!”
If a man feels guilty, his behavior will begin to change. Namely: he can quietly wash the dishes, collect scattered things, clean the bath, cook something for you, pour you a cup of tea, etc.
Through these actions, men express their apologies and acknowledge the extent of their guilt.
Of course, the older a man becomes and the higher the degree of trust and mutual understanding between you, the more likely it is that a man will be able to say, even in the process of a quarrel or immediately after it: “I'm sorry, I know that I offended you very much. I didn't want to…” He then backs up his words with actions.
Knowing about this important feature in the behavior of a man, it is important to be wise! Just imagine how difficult it is for men to admit their guilt.
Many psychotherapists claim that it is the feeling of guilt that gives a man the greatest discomfort.
Therefore, be sure to appreciate his efforts, thank him for trying to fix everything and for apologizing to you. Tell him how dear he is to you, and that you don't want to quarrel with him at all. It is very important for a man to understand that you appreciate his efforts even in a conflict situation.
The same is true with the manifestation of feelings towards a woman.
Family therapists say that most men are confident that real love- These are specific actions in relation to the beloved woman.
Based on your personal experience, the experience of my clients, parents and friends, I completely agree with this!
Real men, and those men to whom you are very dear, rarely say words of love, but they do everything and even more for you! This is also a feature of the psyche of men, which is based on action. That is why you should not be offended and constantly ask a man: “Do you love me? What do I mean to you? Why do you need me?"
Some guys and men find it very difficult to say “I love you” for the first time! - instead, the most ridiculous sounds can escape from them, their palms get wet, red spots appear on their face and neck, etc. But at the same time, they will give you flowers every day, see you off to work, and make a lot of surprises. And the cherished: "I love you!" - subsequently you will hear from them in response to your expression of feelings.
Some men remain emotionally silent for the rest of their lives, but this does not mean that they do not love you! Not at all! Focus on their actions towards you and towards your family.
By the way, questions: “Why are you silent? Is it really impossible to talk to you at all? Let's talk about us!" - lead most men to a dead end and they simply fall into silence or try to escape to their office or to the street as soon as possible.
All because the brain of a man is arranged differently! It is much more difficult for them to show emotions and even more so to talk about feelings than women. Here the fact remains!
If you want to help your man develop the emotional side and hear compliments and words of love from him, show it by your own example :)
Instead of being nervous and making accusations that “you won’t get a good word from him”, give him a sincere smile every time he returns home, thank you for everything he does for you, enjoy every minute spent together , talk about how you feel happy next to him.
For men, this is very, very important! Of course, for women too, but we are now talking about the strong half of humanity :)
Your words, sincere joy, happiness, kisses and touches are a kind of reward from which only you both benefit! Receiving such a reward for his actions and deeds, a man will gradually begin to learn from you the verbal way of expressing his feelings.
Learn to understand each other every day, apply the acquired knowledge in everyday life! Be happy:)
How sometimes you want to hear the cherished "I'm sorry"! © Shutterstock
Did your loved one hurt you? Are you upset and most of all dream about his apology? But tears will not help grief! Although sometimes tears can make a man apologize. But whether these apologies will be said sincerely or only out of pity is unknown. Take three steps to receive a sincere apology.
Step one: calm down
Do not demand an apology from your loved one until your pain and irritation has subsided. After all, a request to apologize can easily turn into a real scandal.
So calm down, analyze the situation, find out for yourself what exactly hurt you. Write down your conclusions, and then, if you really want to, cry heartily.
Step two: explain why you are hurting
In fact, for a girl who longs to hear an apology from her beloved, the apologies themselves are not so important. It is important for her that the beloved understands that he hurt.
Isn't it important for you to hear from your loved one that he didn't offend you on purpose, that he still loves you? Surely you will hear the desired words if you explain what the matter is. After all, it happens that the guy does not even know why you were offended by him.
Step three: don't pressure the man
Choose the right time to talk. Make sure that your loved one is not busy, calm, fed and not tired. And start a friendly conversation. Do not blame your loved one, do not criticize him and do not be ironic. Just remember, he loves you and didn't hurt you on purpose. Started from this position, the conversation will surely become successful.
You should not demand that your loved one fall on his knees and beg forgiveness from you for unwashed dishes. Think for yourself: to humiliate yourself over trifles is hard for any person. Be patient, it is unlikely that the guy will immediately rush to apologize. Most likely, you will hear the cherished words a little later.
Even a short "I won't do it again", "I'm sorry", "I won't do it another time" are also apologies. These words mean that the guy understood your feelings and realized that he was wrong. Therefore, be sure to thank him for his sincerity and for his apology.
And most importantly: take a closer look at the actions of your loved one. Perhaps his actions are his apologies. Yes, he did not squeeze out the cherished "I'm sorry", but how much he did you pleasant. For example, he gave a gift, washed the floor in the apartment, cooked dinner, or just hugged and kissed. All these actions can be considered an apology.
- I'm embarrassed to remember what you did. Uncomfortable for you, for yourself and for the whole situation. And I am doubly hurt by the fact that I did not expect this from you at all and do not at all deserve such treatment. I don't want to hold long grudges. Memories of that situation are evoked in me not on purpose, but almost reflexively. And yet, I feel very sad. That's all I wanted to say.
Should I be forced to apologize? Words of apology must be sincere, and since the robot expresses everything. Yes, who needs such apologies, they are not warm, only more painful. But when he himself comes to this thought and asks for forgiveness, here is something else.
There are people, it doesn't matter, guys or girls, who, by their nature, never apologize at all, do not ask for forgiveness, as a rule, this is because of some kind of ambition, inflated self-esteem, pride.
In order for a guy to apologize to a girl, he must repent of his bad deed, realize his guilt, wrong. But not everyone who is aware of his guilt and wrong is ready to apologize.
What did I do if I needed his apology? I told him about it directly, which would not hurt at your leisure to think about your act and apologize, I will wait for an apology. And she cut off contact, paused so that the guy, if I really care for him, would sit at his leisure and think about his act, realize his guilt, then apologize. That is, sometimes you need to demand that the guy apologize, otherwise, he will still offend the girl, but here, how little educational work on the part of the girl will be. If it goes well, then you can continue to think about a serious relationship.
Personally, I wouldn't force a guy to apologize. If he himself does not understand this and does not see that he offended him greatly and seriously, and that he is to blame, then how can you build a future with such a person? Good guy always sees when he was guilty and asks for forgiveness, so does the girl. And if he constantly offends and does not even notice it, then it makes no sense to communicate with such a person. After all, this is not just an acquaintance, but a guy means a future groom.
To make a guy apologize, you should tell him about how his act made the girl suffer, about how it hurt to hear bad words, or how many bad events his act entailed. If a feeling of remorse plays out, he will apologize. If it does not help, then cry talking about the pain. Show your weakness so that he can understand how bad you feel. And How a real man, reassure with your apologies.
Hmm, of course, a lot of questions immediately arise: why should he apologize, why should the girl apologize and so on ... But, I conclude, since the question is asked, then the answer is still needed here.
How to make you apologize? I think it's important not to demand this apology in the first place.
And just explain to the guy that by one action or another he hurt the girl, and if he admitted his mistake and apologized, it would be much easier and more pleasant for her. Moreover, if you add how important this guy is to her and love, it will also be very good and effective.
But the main thing is not to push. Men, they are so... tender and vulnerable, even when they screw it up 🙂
In general, I recommend that all quarreling couples read John Gray's book Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. She has changed a lot in my family for the better. For the past 3 years, my husband and I do not know quarrels.
The complexity of the situation is that, judging by the details, the girl herself should make her apologize. And this can look very demonstratively and inconveniently. And lead to more confusion. Therefore, it is not necessary to force, because it is impossible. And who will feel better from an apology under duress?
In order to encourage a guy to apologize, you must first encourage him to realize his bad deed. With this you need to start and with this, in general, and finish. And whether an apology will follow or not, it is up to the guy to decide, since he is old enough for independent decisions.
If I were that girl, I would say this:
It seems to me that these words will be enough. They will act on the guy so that he apologizes, or not, it will be seen along the way.
no girl needs a guy to step over himself and apologize just for the sake of it. I think that the guy will only apologize if he understands that he offended the girl. for this to happen, you need to share your thoughts with your partner, trust him. at best, during a quarrel, sit down, think and tell what you feel and what you think about the whole situation. after all, the guys are not geniuses, they think that in half the cases we are deliberately pouting at them or just pretending to be pouting, and in our silent reproachful look, they still won’t understand what they are guilty of.
Whatever the final outcome of the disputes, in order to maintain calm and a comfortable atmosphere of goodwill in the family, a woman has to give in and apologize, admitting her formal wrong.
Wise women use this rule without regrets and doubts, inexperienced women try by any means to force their beloved man to admit he was wrong and apologize sincerely. But more often than not, the behavior of the latter leads to even more terrible consequences than the quarrel itself.
Why is this happening? Why does the majority of the male population, even if they are blatantly wrong, refuse to open their mouths and squeeze out at least one “I’m sorry” said from the bottom of their hearts?
Psychologists investigating the origins of this problem and the reasons for such behavior pay attention to several reasons that cause such a reaction in the male sex to apologies.
Reasons Why It's So Hard for Men to Apologize
As practical psychology shows, there may be several such reasons. Different men do not accept verbal apologies for various reasons.
One of the very first and most important reasons forcing men not to openly admit their guilt, or rather, not to apologize for it, lies in the differences in the structure and functioning of the brain. Men are guided by the work of the left hemisphere of the brain, they are constructive, logical, able to structure and analyze, highlighting the main thing from the husk. At the same time, men are rarely intuitive, they do not differ in sensitivity and emotionality. this state of affairs leads to the fact that the male sex simply does not fully understand the female indignation and attention given to the empty words of apology on duty.
Man thinks words are a waste of time, this is an empty boast that does not reflect the true state of affairs. And just finding the right words of comfort and requests for forgiveness, showing sincere repentance for a man, is a feasible, but rather difficult task, which they try to avoid whenever possible.
For this reason, it is always much easier for a man to atone for his guilt by deeds and actions symbolizing remorse than for half an hour to talk about his emotions and feelings, exposing himself to others, albeit close and offended people, your soul.
If a man is wrong, he will hide and wait out the storm, hoping that after a short period of time, his beloved will cool down and forget everything. And if not, then you can bring a bouquet of your favorite flowers without words or take a concert to an interesting half, clean up the house, learn lessons with the child, in a word, do anything, just to say nothing!
The second reason for the lack of the slightest desire to verbally convey one's regrets about being wrong is the peculiarities of education. From early childhood, children are taught that a man must be strong. In their understanding strong man in order to protect his family, he must enjoy her respect and be a wise and prudent leader, a leader for his family. But if a man admits his mistake, he may lose the respect of the family. And even if this is far-fetched and does not correspond to reality, such a thought, crept into the male consciousness, simply will not let the words of forgiveness escape from the lips, so desirable for the female ear.
According to male logic, a real leader is not mistaken - after all, this can reduce confidence in him, shake his authority. Therefore, it is categorically impossible to admit your guilt, you can either blame another or tactfully remain silent, and make amends with a pleasant trifle or surprise.
If you dig into distant times, slipping behind the curtain of history, you can pay attention that for the sake of not revealing your guilt, so as not to say such a simple word"Sorry" men were ready to do anything. They endured expulsions, repressions, exiles, fought duels, went to war unforgiven, died, but never apologized. Pride and loss of masculinity in their own eyes and the eyes of those around them did not allow them to find the courage to admit they were wrong.
And finally, it's all about the lack of emotionality of men. It’s just that the thought of how important it is for their beloved woman at least once to hear sincere and heartfelt words of apology, the recognition of her own wrongness, does not even enter into their cold and rational head. After all, girls love with their ears, words are music for their souls. Therefore, the words of apology are doubly pleasant. Men themselves do not like unnecessary words and sincerely believe that others do not need them either.
Two reasons for not recognizing the rightness of a man requiring close attention
But in addition to the above reasons why a man is not able to say “I'm sorry”, there are two more that require close female attention. If it was possible to put up with all the previous ones and recognize their right to exist, then these reasons carry more serious motives and affect the future relationship of the couple and in all other aspects of their life.
A man may never ask for forgiveness, no matter how badly he made a mistake or wrong, or caused the strongest offense if he gets away with everything from time to time. This state of affairs allows him to think that he is the center of your Universe and whatever he does, you patiently endure, forgive and life will continue its run without slowing down. This state of affairs cannot be left like this, because this can lead to a loss of respect both in relation to herself and in his eyes.
If a man is wrong or made a mistake, he must repent and be punished. He does not know how to speak in words, let him show with deeds, but one way or another he will show that he understood his guilt and is ready to make amends for it in the way available to him.
The second most unpleasant reason is the complete indifference of a man to your feelings.. Due to the fact that the male part of the population, in principle, very rarely apologizes, it is extremely difficult to determine such a circumstance, but if all your relationships indicate the presence of it, then there is no point in continuing to patiently endure everything and take the blame on yourself for the sake of preserving those feelings and relationships that no longer exist. One person is not able to make the whole family happy - this is a feasible job for two.
Whatever the reason for the stubborn silence of a man after a quarrel, at least sometimes let him understand how important his words of sincere repentance are for you and learn to apologize for your wrong yourself, showing him an example in this. Frank confession does not diminish the dignity of both partners, on the contrary, it demonstrates their maturity and courage.
