If the guy doesn't want to live with you. What should you do if a man can’t decide to start living together?

Psychological practice often shows that lovers have no desire to live together and start a family, since they are more comfortable living separately and just dating. In most cases, it is girls who face this problem, since the man does not want to live together.

Many girls begin to be friends with young men, even waiting for them to leave the army, but men are still not in the mood for more serious relationships; they are satisfied with this turn of events. Therefore, representatives of the fair sex often wonder why the guy doesn’t want to live together?

Modern psychologists quite often encounter similar situations. In some cases, a man directly says that he does not want to live together with his lady. But more often it happens that a young man simply turns this question into a joke, puts off the conversation, or avoids it altogether.

From a psychological point of view, if a partner in a relationship puts off the topic, then he avoids it, but he will always find reasons to justify his action. Therefore, in such situations, the help of a psychologist is required.

Why does a man want to live alone?

Many girls are familiar with a situation in which a guy does not want to live together. But not everyone knows what thoughts are actually in a man’s head. Indeed, in order to understand this situation, it is necessary to study the reasons for the lack of desire.

In practice, cases are familiar when a young man gives quite compelling arguments that he does not want to live together. Often these reasons are related to the material component and financial issues. The man is afraid that he won’t be able to support his family, that he won’t be able to rent an apartment, and so on. In such situations, a woman can always find a compromise with a young man. After all, you can count expenses, come to a joint budget and make some changes in your life to take your relationship to a new level. But if a man is not ready to take such measures, then the arguments he gives are not real. That is, he simply masks his lack of desire to live together.

Women are very fragile creatures psychologically. They become very attached to the stronger sex. Therefore, it is extremely difficult for them to understand why the guy does not want to live together.

Psychological practice also knows cases when a couple has been in a relationship for quite a long time, namely several years, while the man has an apartment and material wealth, but he still does not want to start a family. The fact is that men value their freedom very much, and modern girls behave more approachably. After all, if sexual relations occur between partners at every meeting, starting from the very first dates, then the young man does not see any point in developing these relationships and pursuing a girl, much less living with her.

We constantly face various obstacles on the way to family happiness, because we all have our own problems and difficulties. Women are much more likely to seek answers to their questions and want advice from others. Do not forget that there are no ideal people, so it is foolish to believe that a man will change. The issue of cohabitation is always serious and requires a competent approach.

It happens that both partners decide that living together is simply a necessity, and they immediately take action. But it also happens that someone is not yet in the mood for a serious relationship and seeks to prove their point. If your loved one does not want to live together, he may have his reasons, but you must understand the situation as accurately as possible. Women are more inclined than men to escalate the situation, so they immediately decide that the chosen one is not sincere in his confessions and does not want to put maximum effort into developing the relationship. In fact, you shouldn’t make dubious conclusions prematurely, because there may be other circumstances. Let's take a closer look at the features male psychology and their view on this issue.

1. He's just not old enough to live together yet.. If you are a young girl who has started a relationship with a peer, then you should not expect him to want to quickly move into a separate apartment and start housekeeping together. Most often, young guys want to communicate with friends, party until the morning and a carefree existence. He is quite satisfied with his mother's care and his father's willingness to provide for his existence.

Only a few twenty-year-old guys think about living together with your beloved. There is no need to be surprised or hope for a different turn of events, because at this stage of his life he has completely different interests. Some men cannot mature enough to live together even at the age of 30, because they live with their parents, focus on career growth and favorite hobby are the very reasons why he still does not think about his home. If a man after 30 years does not want to create his own corner, then probably the reason is not his readiness or lack thereof. Here it is worth thinking about other options.

2. He is not financially ready for civil marriage . If your loved one refuses to live together for financial reasons, then he can be understood. Not every representative of the stronger sex will want to move to a rented apartment on the outskirts of the city, because it is not only not prestigious, but also inconvenient. If he cannot afford his own apartment or house at this stage of his life, he will probably refuse to live together. The woman, in turn, must determine whether the problem is really financial or these are just excuses. A man who loves his chosen one and wants to wake up every morning with her in the same bed will say that he is not ready financially yet, but is already saving money or looking for new job. You must take this feature into account so that no one leads you by the nose.

3. He is not confident in his chosen one to live together. As sad as it may sound, many men are simply unable to decide on such a step as living together. They can sincerely love you, delight you with gifts and spend their entire vacation with you, but they are absolutely not ready to divide one living space in half. Perhaps he doesn’t trust you, thinks that this will somehow negatively affect your relationship or will be a turning point in the negative understanding of this word. Women often make the mistake of breaking off relationships and trying to blackmail; it is better for you to focus your efforts on proving your loyalty and love, and not waste time on nonsense.

4. Perhaps the problem lies deep in the man's mind. It also happens that your loved one refuses to live together without understanding the reason. A huge number of problems come to us from childhood, so sometimes it’s worth doing introspection, looking for own fears and fight them. If a man grew up in a family where living together was the cause of quarrels and scandals, then it is very likely that in later life he simply will not want to take risks.

If he was brought up by one of parents, then it is quite likely that he simply does not have experience in building normal family relations. In this case, he was deprived of an example of how to create happy family based on love, trust and living together. Let your loved one understand himself; sometimes you even need the help of a psychologist or family therapist.

5. He's "fed up" previous marriage and an unsuccessful life with ex-wife . The reason for the reluctance to live together can also be divorce and past relationships that turned out to be a bitter experience. It is very likely that your loved one wanted to create a happy family, and everyday life became the very ship on which family happiness crashed. Of course, having acquired a new lover, he will constantly avoid this topic and delay the moment of moving to a separate apartment until the last minute.

Perhaps he's just afraid that your relationship will deteriorate due to everyday trifles. If you want to share your happiness with your loved one, then wait until he is completely ready to create his own “nest”. If you really love your man, you can wait a little until living together becomes the norm for him, and not a reason to once again step over yourself.

6. He already knows that he doesn’t want to live with you, but does not want to break off the relationship for his own benefit. A man can derive pleasure from sexual relations, interesting pastimes, or simply from your appearance. There are situations when it is simply necessary to at the moment to have a beautiful representative of the fair sex next to you, because it is prestigious. But now he knows for sure that he has no desire to live with you, and all your hopes will not come true. That is why try to delve into his plans and be interested in his attitude towards you. In fact smart woman A woman who knows her lover well will always be able to understand his attitude towards her and will identify lies and flattery.

As you can see, reasons there can be a huge number, and only the man’s circle knows the truth. You cannot judge everyone by some words and a couple of actions, because internal experiences and complexes are known only to a specialist. In any case, it is worth learning to pay attention to details and look for answers in communication. Be sure to discuss this topic with your loved one and try to find out the reason for his actions. Sometimes the situation can be resolved by searching for compromises and unanimity, and scandals and showdowns can even lead to separation.

Source:
If a man doesn't want to live together
The man doesn't want to live together. What could be the reason for refusing a civil marriage?
http://meduniver.com/Medical/Psixology/mugchina_ne_xochet_git_vmeste.html

The man doesn't want to live together

Asks: Anna

Hello! I have encountered a problem and would really like to find a solution. I would be very grateful if you could help me with professional advice.

The situation is as follows:

I am 28 years old. my boyfriend is the same age.

We've been together for over a year. I have my own apartment, he doesn’t have his own, he lives with his parents.

please help me with advice! I will be very grateful.

Psychologist Almaty Last visit: 3 days ago

Replies on the site: 4333 Conducts trainings: 5 Publications: 33

You know, Anna, there is such a law in nature. Although it is the case with wolves, it is very significant - the female will NEVER allow the male to approach her until he has a den constructed.

Replies on the site: 5082 Conducts trainings: 2 Publications: 123

Whether he loves you or not is the second question. But the first one is whether YOU love him. There was not a word about this in the letter. You THOUGHT you were going to get married in a couple of years. But they think with their heads, but love with their hearts. It seems to me that there is no clarity on both sides, and not just on his side. Perhaps he perceives the situation no easier than you: after all, it may also seem to him that you are comfortable with him. Apparently, it would be clearer for a man to hear, “I really want you to be there no matter what.” ” instead of “I respect your perception of the situation.” After all, the latter does not speak of love at all. About respect - yes, about understanding - yes, but not about love. “Warn me so that I can make plans for the evening” together “I would really like to spend the weekend with you, I miss you.” Don't you think your attitude towards him is very reasonable? Perhaps reasonable and wise, but not WARM? And therefore he has no confidence that he is ready to go with you into something more serious?

It doesn’t matter whose “den” it is, who bought it and who has more money. It is important that people love each other and really want to be together. And in order for emotional relationships to be cemented, these emotions and feelings must be expressed. You express (judging by the letter) only “reasonable expectations.” And the man is lost. He understands that he may or may not meet these expectations, but he may just want warmth. And you, perhaps, for some compelling reason, are afraid to express your feelings. Maybe it’s worth looking for these reasons and working on them seriously?

Do you want to see next to you a person who takes advantage of the uncertainty of your relationship as he sees fit for himself, without intending to take your interests into account? If “yes” - then accept the person as he is, with all the ensuing consequences, such as: his free choice of where to be, with whom to be and when to be, his unpreparedness and immaturity to build strong relationships and have patience to wait for his maturity to come, if it ever comes.

If the answer is “no,” then formulate for yourself what you want at this stage from a relationship with the man next to you. If you definitely want to create family ties and feel your “maturity” - then correlate what you have from your current relationship and answer yourself honestly - are you ready to wait for certainty for an indefinite time, since this person is the embodiment of your ideas about your life partner . If this is really “HE”, then you need to understand more clearly that he is not ready at the moment to start a family and feels including himself in your plans as an attack on his freedom.

The very history of his “unfreedom” may have different reasons. He lives with you in a mode that is convenient for himself, which he defends. There are contradictions in his behavior and in his explanation of it.

In fact, living with you, he declares his unpreparedness for “cohabitation.” This is the first contradiction.

In fact, living with you, he behaves like a free person, without informing you of his absences. This is the second contradiction.

In fact, living with you, he declares that he cannot live in your apartment. This is the third.

Then what does he do for you 5 days a week out of 7?

Next, why does he need these 2 days? For relaxation? From whom? From what? From you? Does he get tired of your time together? Then from what exactly? Maybe you are putting too much effort into him, as an object through which your scheme for building family happiness will be implemented? Maybe he is strenuously resisting precisely this pressure of yours and does not want to be included in it, as the performer of your script? One can only guess from your letter

About what lies at the heart of your relationship. If this is a family structure project, then you should understand yourself and understand what kind of relationship you really want, what they should be based on - on an agreement that you are building a family consciously and the main thing for you and your chosen one is a joint business (home, raising children, etc.). Such marriages are possible, but they must be based on a mutual agreement, which is not evident in your case.

If you want love, then you should realize the true motives of your relationship and evaluate whether the feeling underlies it.

This situation gives you the opportunity not to make a mistake and encourages you to look deep into yourself to see your true reflection, which is clouded for you by the fog of your own uncertainty. The fear of your age spurs you on to organize your life, but should you adjust relationships that are not very suitable for you to suit your age, just to create for yourself the illusion that you have managed to do everything in this life? How will this adjustment turn out? What if your real soulmate appears in front of you at the age of 35? What will you do then? Be honest with yourself - and then your partners will “mirror” your honesty to you. Don't be afraid to let go of what is tearing from your hands. Everything that is yours will remain with you, provided free choice. If, of course, you are ready for it yourself.

Source:
The man doesn't want to live together
To the question: A man does not want to live together, psychologists with higher psychological education answer
http://www.all-psy.com/konsultacii/otvet/4350/

Why doesn't a man want to live together?

Very often situations occur when, after dating a woman for a long time, a man categorically refuses to take any steps towards living together. As a rule, this leads to constant disagreements and quarrels, because absolutely all girls dream of not only dating guys, but also creating a family with them, and, accordingly, a way of life.

So why don’t men want to live together, but at the same time don’t let their chosen ones go to create another real union. It is worth noting that this question is asked by almost every sixth woman who has been in a relationship with a young man for quite a long time.

To understand why a man doesn’t want to live with you, let’s look at a few recommendations that, if followed, will help you not only save your love relationship, but also to help ensure that your beloved guy finally offers you his hand and heart.

Tip No. 1 - identify the real reason why a man does not want to move to a common area . It just so happens that, by their nature, almost all girls begin to react too emotionally when they hear their lover’s refusal to live together. It is against this background that many couples often break up. However, in order to avoid such omissions, psychologists advise first to understand what specifically stops a man from further developing the relationship. It is likely that the reason for this behavior is his fear of everyday life, responsibility, as well as the experience of past unions, material disadvantage, etc.

Thus, casting aside all your doubts and looking at the current situation objectively, it will be much easier for you to understand your lover.

Tip #2 – bring your loved one to an open conversation . If you are unable to independently identify the reason for your man’s categorical behavior, then it is recommended to proceed directly to a conversation with him. Such a conversation should not begin spontaneously. Prepare for it in advance and decide on those questions to which you really want to hear answers, regardless of their frankness. It is advisable to conduct the conversation in a calm and non-aggressive state. The most important thing in such a conversation is to be prepared for any scenario. After all, if your partner says that he is not ready to live together, because he does not feel very strongly about you strong feelings, then you will either have to come to terms with this or break the alliance.

If during the conversation, you notice that the man is not completely frank with you or is trying to avoid the topic in any way. possible ways, then this suggests that he does not have serious intentions towards you.

Tip #3 – after identifying the true reasons why a man does not want to live together, action should be taken . It is worth noting that there can be a colossal number of such options.

As practice shows, the most common are three main factors:

Fear of living together due to the sad experience of previous relationships. If your betrothed was once married and knows from his own experience what life is like, then his fear of making a mistake again can be understood. That is why you should try to convey to him that you are not like him. ex-lover, and you will never teach him about life, but will become his only and reliable support. It is worth noting that during such a conversation it is not recommended to bring up the topic of marriage and future children. After all, the young man is already afraid to connect his fate with new woman, and such topics can generally scare him away, so that you will remain in the status of a potential bride for the rest of your life.

The desire to achieve material wealth and financial independence. Currently, most men do not want to tie the knot due to the fact that they do not have a stable and high income. That is why some of them delay the moment of living together. And this is not surprising, because every representative of the stronger sex wants to bring his life partner to own house or an apartment. In this case, psychologists recommend talking frankly with your lover and convincing him that you will not be a burden to him, but, on the contrary, will help increase your joint well-being.

Doubts about your love relationship. Very often, men do not want to move in with their lovers because they have doubts about their feelings, as well as for fear of losing their freedom and bachelor status. In this situation, it’s up to you to decide whether to remain in such a relationship or put an end to this union. After all, there is only one life and devoting it to that person who does not appreciate your love, care and attention is quite stupid.

In general, I didn’t want to meet anyone else, I was very worried and completely threw myself into work. At one of the corporate events, it somehow happened that one of my colleagues and I spent the entire evening together. Then after work we started going for walks together... So we started dating.

At work, no one knew about our relationship and didn’t even guess, probably for the first six months, we didn’t want rumors. I was happy with everything about him: he is very kind and good, attentive, polite, compared to my ex, he seemed like just a prince to me. But the sun also has spots...

He never had a serious relationship before me, although he's almost 30. He has never lived with a girl, although he has lived alone since he was 18. Sometimes it seemed to me that he didn’t know how to behave with me... It felt like he was 16. He never gave me flowers, in restaurants everyone pays for themselves, in the first six months he didn’t give me any compliments, only a couple once said that I am very beautiful and good. We also didn’t give each other any cute names, there weren’t all these millions of calls and SMS, as happens with couples who just started dating. We were more like friends-lovers we always had something to talk about, laugh, and the sex was simply great, although not frequent (once a week or two). He didn’t like strangers at home, at first I was completely shocked, but he said: honey, I’ve been living alone for so many years, I need time to get used to you.

Everything changed after he went on a business trip for 3 weeks. He called me from there every day, wrote SMS, Once he even said that he was very bored. Started calling me kind words, give compliments. When he returned, our relationship became more like a relationship between a guy and a girl, we began to trust each other more, spend more time together. I already felt that I was not indifferent to him, but I never heard words of love from him. With sex, too, everything remained unchanged - once or twice a week.

I was silent and did not make any complaints, tried to understand him, after all, for the first six months of the relationship I also did not want to live with anyone, so such a relationship suited me. Financial issue I didn’t really care either: I make good money and can afford a lot on my own, although sometimes I want to feel like a girl - not to take out my wallet in a restaurant or receive a nice, albeit inexpensive, gift from my beloved man. This has never happened, and it doesn’t exist now.

About 10 months into the relationship, I heard the cherished words from him: “I love you, you are dearer to me than anyone else in the world.” I was in seventh heaven! After all, I have been waiting for this recognition for so long (let me remind you that we see each other every day, since we work together). He began to treat me somehow even better: to forgive me all my psychos and insults, to put up with me first, he became more affectionate. Yes, and I, too, fell more and more in love with him every day... But then I wanted more, I was tired of having sex once a week - I wanted to live together, fall asleep and wake up together, but he didn’t offer - he was already feeling good.

As a result, on last week we quarreled, and for the first time in the entire time of our relationship I expressed everything to him: that I was tired of fucking once a week, that the relationship was monotonous, that it was not developing, that I was getting bored, etc. I put pressure on him complete, in general. He was probably scared that I would leave him, and invited me to live together.

I was so happy that evening, although I didn’t really show him my delight. We agreed that I would move in with him on the weekend... I was looking forward to it! I bought myself all sorts of stockings, beautiful underwear and everything, so that I could walk around the house not like an aunt, but like a girl and please him with my appearance.

Everything was fine: within a week we discussed this topic again, he, like me, was worried about how it would all turn out, he had never lived with a girl. And I was worried that he had a difficult character, he was a loner and we wouldn’t get along. In the end, he said that we love each other and everything will work out for us. After these words, all my doubts disappeared. I didn’t walk, but flew on the wings of happiness, and literally the next day after this conversation I asked him: honey, when will I move in with you - on Saturday or Sunday? He hesitated, looked away, and stood there muttering something. I ask: do you not want me to move in with you? He hums something incomprehensible again. I say: that means you don’t want to. She turned around and left.

I barely survived this evening, I sat and cried endlessly - I was so looking forward to this move, I wanted it so much, and then all my plans fell apart, and I realized that he didn’t love me at all, that he was better off alone, that he liked spending time alone better than with me...

He didn't call. He probably sat alone and was glad that he managed to get rid of me and that no one would disturb his loneliness anymore.

And yesterday he called as if nothing had happened and said: let’s go to the cafe. At first I was happy, I thought maybe he changed his mind and was calling to say that he was scared, but today he weighed everything and decided that he couldn’t live without me and wanted to come and move my things. And he calls me to the cafe... Why do I need this cafe? It’s good that I was at the hairdresser and couldn’t scream. She calmly said that I wouldn’t go, to which he was very surprised and wished me good evening and hung up.

I left the hairdresser, and I was shaking all over with resentment and anger. I called a friend, she advised me to pretend that I absolutely don’t care and under no circumstances show that this was so important to me, not to stroke his pride. Today I called the cafe again...

Guys, tell me how to behave, what should I do? If I continue to communicate with him nicely and have sex once a week, then nothing will change? Everything suits him, but I’m already 25 years old, I want stability. I also love him very much, so I don’t know how to gain the strength to part with him, I wouldn’t want that. And in general it is not clear what kind of love he is talking about. When you love a person, don’t you want to spend more time with him, live with him?

Thank you very much for reading, I went on a bit long, sorry. It’s all just boiling over, but there’s no one to tell it to, and it’s a shame that the guy screwed me over like that..."

Christina

We'll be glad to hear yours! We are waiting for your letters to [email protected] marked "History". You determine the degree of anonymity yourself.

When a loved one says: "Let's live together!", almost every woman agrees to this, especially if little time has passed since their close communication.

And not surprisingly, what’s wrong with such a proposal? Live together and see how it goes. Will the couple's relationship develop for the better or, on the contrary, will it turn out that they are not suitable for each other? How else? You shouldn’t get married right away, you must first take a closer look, and only then start a family.

This approach is quite logical and even necessary, if not for the factors that in the future more often lead to separation or, at a minimum, to civil marriage. And, extremely rarely, after such temporary cohabitation, men happily take their “roommate” as their wife.

This happens, but under aggravating circumstances: a woman’s pregnancy, pressure from her, various manipulations, in general, something that will force him to get married, and not a sincere desire to take a woman as a wife and create a strong family.

Let's try to live together!

Why is a woman still ready for marriage after a trial of living together? She wants to marry her man and is full of enthusiasm, but a man, on the contrary, usually delays this moment as far as possible. More often than not, he subsequently tries to avoid the fate of marriage altogether.

It's all about the different psychology of men and women.

Men initially consciously or subconsciously tell a woman: "Let's try to live together", does not strive to be the husband of such a woman. Or more correctly, he doesn’t want to be a husband.

It's sad, but true. Men are, at their core, fighters. They compete with each other and the woman is the prey they conquer. So, if a woman is dear enough to her man, he wants to completely tie her to him. And they do this by taking a woman as their wife.

Men can deny this and say that all this is nonsense, but the point is that if a man loves and wants to be with this particular woman, he invites her to marry, and not to live together.

If a man wants comfort, coziness, he wants someone (the word “someone” is key here) with whom he could have sex regularly, who could clean, wash, cook and perform other duties that make his life easier , then the man suggests “trying to live together.” If he also likes this someone, then that’s generally good and he’s happy.

And here it would not be so bad, because you, agreeing to live with a man, may also have similar motives. However, the whole catch is that a woman only needs to live together at the beginning, then the woman needs to get married.
Women's nature requires reproduction, and therefore children. And where there are children, you need a position in society, you need stability, you need a family.
A man's nature demands to impregnate as many females as possible, so his nature, after living together with one woman, demands another female.

Woman in cohabitation with a man, becoming more and more attached to him every day. Living with a man, she gives him a piece of herself every time, she trusts him more and more, opens up to him more and more and wants a family.
A man already has everything he wanted: a woman who does everything for him. But there is no romance, no novelty, feelings have dulled. One gets the feeling that the goal has been achieved and one wants change. And the main thing the best change there will be a change in the woman.

By the way, don’t entertain yourself with illusions. Many people believe that a man does not marry because a woman is not good enough as a housewife or as a woman in bed. As we said, that's not the point here. Even if you are smart enough, by agreeing to temporarily live with a man and playing the role of a wife, you are triggering the mechanism of refusing marriage.

Also, don’t assume that if a man doesn’t ask you to marry, it means he doesn’t love you. He may well love you and very much. It’s just that for marriage it is necessary that such a quality as the willingness to bear responsibility for another person be developed.

Thus, for marriage you need a man, in addition to love, to feel two things towards you - these are:
- desire to be responsible for you;

- fear of losing you.

And here it is very important point When you agree to live with a man, you dull or prevent him from feeling the fear of losing you and only create the appearance of responsibility for you.

Thus, there is a substitution of real feelings that do not allow the formation of real strong relationships.

There are still many, many aspects that make it difficult to get married after a temporary residence. We can talk about them endlessly. It is important to understand that, of course, you can try to live together and test your feelings. But the whole point is that, no matter how logical and normal it may seem, life shows that getting married after such a stay is quite difficult.

Remember that while you are not married, you do not need to play the role of a wife, and do not treat a man as a husband. Each stage of a relationship should have its own clear meaning and purpose. And, if you want to be happy, you shouldn’t confuse them.

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(26 voted)

Hello! I have encountered a problem and would really like to find a solution. I would be very grateful if you could help me with professional advice.

The situation is as follows:

I am 28 years old. my boyfriend is the same age.

We've been together for over a year. I have my own apartment, he doesn’t have his own, he lives with his parents.

Almost every day (5 out of 7 usually) he himself, at his own request, stays at my house. When he goes home, he usually doesn't tell me about it. I told him once that it was worth warning me so that I could make plans for the evening. This caused a negative reaction in him, because “why on earth should I justify myself that I’m going home! After all, my house is there, not with you, we don’t live together!” Apparently, he felt pressure, although it seems that my request was quite adequate. Several times he himself, without any questions from me, told me that he did not want to live with anyone. Although it happened that we lived together for weeks, and, apparently, this was not a problem for him. Twice I asked him why he didn’t want to live together. He answered once. that it is very difficult for him to live on my territory, because he is not a gigolo, because he does not have money to support me, and because he feels uncomfortable in my house, because this is not his territory, that if he had an apartment, then I could try it. I replied that I understand and respect his perception of the situation.

however, a week ago he said that he was simply not ready for cohabitation (although, I repeat, I didn’t ask him any questions, moreover, I didn’t even think about this topic!), that he needed to meet for another two years, that for him this was not freedom, and that he was simply not ripe. It was all quite confusing and nervous. I was confused by this conversation, because if a man doesn’t want a more serious relationship in a year, if he needs a relationship without obligations, and besides, he sets such long abstract deadlines, that means. in principle, this does not seem possible to him. The question is whether he really loves me. Or it’s just convenient for him to be with me. In addition to everything that has been said, I will add that he never lived with anyone. And that it’s not about sex, because it’s not in the foreground for him (that’s his temperament). I don't understand whether it's worth continuing a relationship without knowing whether it will lead to anything. I am 28 years old, I thought that in a couple of years we would get married and have children. I don't understand how to understand the situation. Love ? No? why is that so?

please help me with advice! I will be very grateful.

Answers from psychologists

Hello Anna! I was pleased to read your letter and your adequate attitude to the situation! All that remains is to find out more specifically the following: 1) Did you want to formalize your relationship legally? Since your roles are still undefined, will this uncertainty be “in the air”? Words from the founder of Psychodrama Ya. Moreno: “The role is more primary than the personality!” And so it is! Accordingly, this comes with responsibility for your choice and future life! And this is more than serious! 2) If your man does not warn you that he will not be with you today and so on, then here again we are talking about his irresponsibility and the fact that he does not value your time, your point of view. and don't care about you. I will assume that either he is jealous of you that you are not in his apartment, but vice versa and, due to this, he feels inferior, or so on. - he is taking revenge on you for this (unconsciously... most likely). 3) It is important for you to talk to him honestly, regarding the seriousness of his feelings for you, because if he is consumed by complexes about the impossibility of earning an apartment and living fully with his family - this is one thing and the structure of the conversation will be one, such as what is important to you not his financial (let’s say) situation, but his love for you, care, seriousness of attitude and it doesn’t matter in whose territory you live, if you are going to live your life - together and that you are equal, etc... And if, after how you talk to him seriously, and even if he tells you that he loves you - nevertheless - he will avoid serious answers, i.e. - continue to behave this way and after some time nothing will change, then in this case you no longer need anyone’s recommendations on how to proceed and what to do... 4) An important component in a relationship, and in life, is - awareness of our feelings, since they, like a guiding star, show us the way no matter what, the only problem is that they are not easy to identify and separate one from the other and live, but this is exactly what Gestalt Therapists and others provide help with psychologists I wish you all the best! Sincerely, Lyudmila K.

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Hello Anna!

When I read your letter, I had strange (due to their duality) feelings. On the one hand, you brilliantly outline the process of analyzing a situation, but on the other hand, you are writing about love, and what kind of analysis of feelings can a lover have?! When a person plunges into this ocean of passions, feelings and emotions, rationality is turned off and analysis (introspection) is impossible and unnecessary. But, since you describe the situation in great detail and with a certain degree of care, then I had a thought-question - is this love? Moreover, the dominant problems, as it seemed to me, are the “territorial” issue and your fear of lack of freedom young man. Yes, I understand that this is most likely not the first relationship for you and him and the former 16-year-old romanticism is no longer there, but, nevertheless, in the letter, with a great deal of doubt, you write about assumptions regarding his feelings for They write practically nothing to you about your feelings for him. For the most part, we are talking about a kind of mutual claims and demands for responsibility and obligations. This is about feelings. Relatively real life and practical questions (where would we be without them in our hectic times!) I will say the following:

You know, Anna, there is such a law in nature. Although it is the case with wolves, it is very significant - the female will NEVER allow the male to approach her until he has a den constructed.

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Whether he loves you or not is the second question. But the first one is whether YOU love him. There was not a word about this in the letter. You THOUGHT you were going to get married in a couple of years. But they think with their heads, but love with their hearts. It seems to me that there is no clarity on both sides, and not just on his side. Perhaps he perceives the situation no easier than you: after all, it may also seem to him that you are comfortable with him. Apparently, it would be clearer for a man to hear “I really want you to be there no matter what!!!” instead of “I respect your perception of the situation.” After all, the latter does not speak of love at all. About respect - yes, about understanding - yes, but not about love. “Warn me so that I can make plans for the evening” together “I would really like to spend the weekend with you, I miss you.” Don't you think your attitude towards him is very rational? Perhaps reasonable and wise, but not WARM? And therefore he has no confidence that he is ready to go with you into something more serious?

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Hello Anna!

Do you want to see next to you a person who takes advantage of the uncertainty of your relationship as he sees fit for himself, without intending to take your interests into account? If “yes” - then accept the person as he is, with all the ensuing consequences, such as: his free choice of where to be, with whom to be and when to be, his unpreparedness and immaturity to build strong relationships and have the patience to wait when his maturity will come, if it ever comes.

In fact, living with you, he declares his unpreparedness for “cohabitation.” This is the first contradiction.

In fact, living with you, he behaves like a free person, without informing you of his absences. This is the second contradiction.

In fact, living with you, he declares that he cannot live in your apartment. This is the third.

Then what does he do for you 5 days a week out of 7???

If you want love, then you should realize the true motives of your relationship and evaluate whether the feeling underlies it.

This situation gives you the opportunity not to make a mistake and encourages you to look deep into yourself to see your true reflection, which is clouded for you by the fog of your own uncertainty. The fear of your age spurs you on to organize your life, but should you adjust relationships that do not suit you very much to your age, just to create for yourself the illusion that you have managed to do everything in this life? How will this adjustment turn out? What if your real soulmate appears in front of you at the age of 35? What will you do then? Be honest with yourself - and then your partners will “mirror” your honesty to you. Don't be afraid to let go of what is tearing from your hands. Everything that is yours will remain with you, subject to free choice. If, of course, you are ready for it yourself.

All the best.

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