Your beloved child refuses to go to kindergarten (“it’s bad there,” “I don’t want semolina,” etc.), invents illnesses for himself or does not recover for a long time (“my head hurts again,” “snot is flowing,” etc.), complains for pain in the leg and stomach, but in the evening he enjoys running in the yard.

So why doesn't your dear baby want to go to kindergarten?

Why doesn't he talk about what he did in kindergarten?

Who he played with, how he walked, who his friends are - ask about this, and not about what he ate and how he slept.

Don’t assume that everything will work out on its own - there are few miracles in the lives of both adults and children, everything needs to be learned.

Friendship is a relationship that develops against an emotionally positive background; sometimes it is even impossible to explain why children are interested in each other. But friendship between kids 3-4 years old is fantastic, cooperative game- closer to the truth, playing with toys and relationships regarding these toys is exactly what parents call “being friends.”

How children communicate about toys is also important; children's friendships can grow from these relationships.

Most parents do not consider it serious, do not attach importance to how the baby “finds” friends, and does he choose them? When they think that “he will grow up and find a true friend,” parents are mistaken. Everything is laid down in childhood, and if a child at 5 years old does not know how to communicate in a group with children, there will be problems.


Friendship in kindergarten

The baby's first contacts with other children begin during walks with his mother. The baby perceives other children through the prism mother's attitude to them. Everything is completely different in kindergarten, where your child is left without support, where there are many unfamiliar children, where instead of a mother there is some kind of aunt, and everything must be done together with others, even if you don’t want to. And if at first the complaints are about porridge, about milk with foam, then a little later there will be “he/she hit me”, “they are noisy”, “they don’t give me a car/doll”.


If your baby does not talk at all about the events in the children's group, this is already a reason to worry, because there is a reason why he does not tell his mother about his behavior. Kindergarten, and subsequently school, is an opportunity for free self-expression, and if your beloved child does not talk about children, perhaps you once did not listen to him or scolded him for his active actions. Parents are the support for the “youngest” in the family; in any case, you must be on his side. This does not mean at all that you need to “rush into battle with your fists” or raise other people’s children. The more actively you act for the benefit of your child, the more passive he will be. Why defend yourself if your mother does it? Why be friends if your mother says that your friend is not good?

  1. If you notice that a child in a group is playing alone, he is invisible to children, children can run past him, push him, but not even notice it - look for the reason yourself. There is no point in asking the teacher for help; she will not interfere. Observe and act. If you don’t see a boy in the group with whom your son recently played “cars,” ask where this boy is, sympathize that he is sick, ask your son again a few days later if his friend has recovered. Similarly with girls, with one clarification - it is more difficult for them to choose a friend if the main friend is their mother. Responding to teasing or pushing is generally unrealistic for most girls preschool age. Maybe a story with photographs from your childhood will give this freedom, and the girl will respond?
  2. Teach to be friends. Just not with words, not with explanations of how to be friends, but with deeds. To do this, conduct a simple experiment on yourself: you probably have a person at work who is personally pleasant to you, but you hardly communicate. How to offer him/her friendship? Come up and say: I would like/would like to be friends with you - right? Have you already imagined how this person will look at you?
  3. It is more difficult for children to make friends; they have no experience of socialization yet, so they need help, but how can I help? It is useless to take a preschooler to a psychologist about this - they will not understand each other, because “being friends” even for children of 7 years old means “playing together.” You need to start with common interests, with what your son/daughter and other children in the group like kindergarten. Sports sections, family trips, but not a children's sanatorium or holiday camp - again restrictions and lack of your support.
  4. Don’t panic, don’t exaggerate the problem, take the fact of having no friends at this stage of life calmly. Look within yourself for a solution: Overprotection on the part of parents raises cautious children who are afraid to behave freely. Parents' indifference causes children to feel insecure, so they will avoid contact. Try to change your attitude towards your baby, and his capabilities will increase, and it will be easier to communicate with children. In addition, the attachments of preschool children are changeable and fickle, so there is hope that socialization will be successful even without the participation of parents... in some cases.

Friendship at school or how to help your child not become an outsider

New environment, new life position, but what to do if the situation repeats itself, the child still has no friends, and he no longer tries to make friends with anyone?

From a psychological point of view, there is practically no difference between preschoolers and first-graders at school; a year difference does not solve anything for communication. At less than 8 years of age, communication skills are not sufficiently developed. The purpose of kindergarten is for the child to gain the first experience of communication through common activities, so that he can find ways to make friends. If your son was a bully in kindergarten, he is unlikely to be “white and fluffy” in the class - behavioral stereotypes persist for life.

Which children in primary school are not friends with?

  • with those who are “scolded” by the teacher, an adult authoritative person at the beginning school life. Those who interfere in class are “bad”, you absolutely cannot be friends with them, you will also be “bad”;
  • with excellent students, because they do not yet know how to use the advantages of such “friendship”. Yes, they don’t give grades in the first grade, but children are not stupid, they understand the difference between a smiling emoticon and a crying face. Those who always receive a “smile” and do not know how to be naughty will receive “bumps” from children;
  • with quiet people who criticize their behavior behind the backs of their peers, tell tales about them, and at the same time praise themselves;
  • with children who are closed to communication. They are recognized immediately, shunned due to misunderstanding, but not rejected in games and activities.

If you don't give up trying to make friends, you'll have at least one friend by the time you're a teenager.

But explain that friendship cannot be bought with candy or money, you need to become interesting to your peers. Only you, the parents, can help with this; the teacher will not do this, he is physically not enough for a class of 30 people. Parents who do not blame their children's problems on school can help them become strong, friendly, and pleasant to be around. This is quite enough for friendship at school age.


  1. If you don't like his friends, keep your opinion to yourself. Do not reprimand your son/daughter in front of other adults, do not criticize his friends, or do it one on one in the form of a friendly dialogue. Take the difficulties of communicating with classmates seriously, empathize with troubles, but if possible, do not take an active part in resolving them. Children must learn to accept problems as part of life.
  2. Never call your son/daughter timid, shy, or say that he has no friends because he is timid or, conversely, cocky. He must be confident in himself, so use the mirroring technique even when listening to complaints about classmates.
  3. The teacher's opinion about the children in the class is just the private opinion of a particular person and nothing more. The teacher will never know your son or daughter the way you know and understand him. Her opinion does not concern children's friendships.
  4. Always notice even small achievements; your praise is still important and meaningful at this age. Tell him that he interesting person, that’s why other children like it so much. Don’t force him to communicate with children, just briefly mention that it’s more fun to play together, that being friends is great.


Teenagers at school and at home

In high school, friendship priorities change; at the age of 12, a teenager has his own idea of ​​friendship, and even under pressure from parents he will not change his opinion about friends. Why doesn’t your grown son listen to your advice, while your daughter is friends with guys? Because they see the world in their own way, and they will only build relationships with their peers themselves. Adult intervention is only necessary in cases of bullying if your child is being bullied or is not participating as a victim. It is necessary to intervene because there is real harm to the health or psyche of adolescents.

If parents used to be friends, now the word “friend” only refers to people who are not family members. The opinion of friends is more important than the opinion of father or mother, so with teenagers you need to be careful in choosing expressions. If your teenager considers someone a friend, you should accept their opinion. The teenager will perceive criticism, sarcasm, and ridicule towards a friend as negativity towards him.

A teenager who is not friends with anyone is a separate conversation; here you need the very help of a psychologist. Perhaps the reason is in the class, in the relationship with you, in the refusal of the teenager himself to strike up friendships. In any case, the problem cannot be let go

The child in the class is not noticed, his classmates do not communicate with him, there are no friends in the class, a very common problem in a modern school.

How can you help your child make friends in class?

If a child, when asked if he has ever felt lonely and unloved, answers that this is constantly felt in the classroom, where no one wants to communicate with him, then it’s time to look for methods of helping him.

Own experience

Parents should be attentive to their child, putting aside the position of the prosecutor, threateningly checking grades and asking whether he behaved well at school. Similar attitude only aggravates the problem, leading to isolation and reluctance to share experiences.

It is necessary to take into account that the student receives a colossal workload and feels tired after lessons. The assimilation of new knowledge is especially intense during the period from first to third grade.

Taking a friendly tone, the conversation with the child is conducted in terms of discussing the results of the past day and clarifying plans for the next one. There should be a feeling of sincere interest, and not a desire for total control. During the conversation, unobtrusive questions are asked about classmates and misunderstandings that arise. If you sense some kind of problem that worries the child in this regard, you cannot brush it off or advise you to forget everything. The most effective solution will be practical advice, indicated as your own experience from school years, allowing you not to feel loneliness in the team.

Despite your busy schedule, it is advisable to host children from your class at home if your child has invited them to visit. Place treats on the table, do not frown or express dissatisfaction if the children start a noisy game. Try to talk friendly to the guest so that he does not feel awkward. Invite to come again. Demonstration of how to receive guests will help the child to build the correct model of behavior in the future and feel confident in such situations.

Role-playing games for communication

A collected and constantly updated database of role-playing games aimed at developing communication skills will be a good help. Having chosen a few minutes, for example, during a break between homework, play them with interest and excitement with the child, highlighting and analyzing at the end the correct model of behavior.

If you are planning some kind of event, for example, a birthday, with the invitation of classmates, then it is also advisable to include in the entertainment plan role playing games, developing positive communication skills in various situations.

Compliments

An open and friendly person calmly notes the merits of others and does not hesitate to tell them kind words.

Teaching a child to give compliments is not difficult if you do not make it an end in itself and do not impose on the child the attitude that he is obliged to do this. Any kind word should come from the heart and sound easy and relaxed. At first everything is clothed in exciting game. Come up with as many different compliments as possible for your favorite toys. Pronounce them not only on your own behalf, but also on behalf of the dolls themselves to each other. And then the toys, united in a friendly company, will say kind words to the child.

In the morning, the mother greets her baby, telling him what beautiful eyes he has today, how gorgeous his cheeks look pink after sleep. Dad, looking at the notebook, notes that homework done very carefully and diligently. Gradually the child will be easily noticed positive traits classmates and freely and sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, compliment them without expecting words of gratitude.

Community of interests

Experts note that friendship most often arises if children engage in joint creativity. Attentive parents, knowing the inclinations of their child, certainly try to enroll him in a sports section, music school or creative club. The benefit for the child will be enormous if he himself shows interest and attends classes with pleasure. Success in his new career to some extent allows him to neutralize his school troubles.

Gradually, it becomes possible to show your achievements at school events, performing as a singer or dancer, participating in exhibitions and competitions. Rewards raise self-esteem - certificates, diplomas, cups awarded at ceremonial events.

What to pay attention to

A technique aimed at attracting attention does not always work. For example, at every break, go to a corner and stand with a sad, whiny face. Classmates may come up several times to ask what he is doing here, and then stop noticing him altogether.

Surprisingly, it is often difficult for children with pronounced abilities to make friends in the classroom. Less gifted but ambitious children may band together and turn others against him out of envy.

Guys with strong leadership qualities who try to impose their own views on everyone and strive to subjugate others do not always join the team. Quiet, insecure students who do not know how to publicly express their own thoughts are also left out.

Confident, but not self-confident, schoolchildren with good physical fitness are respected.

Parental support

Grandfathers, grandmothers, parents, as well as older brothers and sisters should be guided by simple postulates when communicating with their child:

  • you cannot scold him in the presence of other children;
  • there is no need to make negative judgments about his friends;
  • You should not share information with the parents of classmates that the child is fearful or shy, as this may later be heard in the class, hurting his pride and wounding his soul;
  • it is dangerous to take on faith all the bad words of the teacher if they are heard too often;
  • if a child has shared his experiences, you need to deal with them as clearly as possible and help him find an acceptable solution;
  • You don’t just need to criticize your child’s mistakes; praise even for the smallest successes brings much more benefit.

Playdate

One of the effective forms of uniting children is playdate - an event, the essence of which is the initial unification of several parents who draw up a plan of events held at their home in turn.

All parents bring their children to the event organizer's house, bringing treats with them. Then they are free until a certain time, and the children are included in the games and competitions invented by the main entertainer, with the obligatory supervision of an adult.

Why are some people lonely and others not? Loneliness can be caused by random circumstances, but there are also common reasons for loneliness in children and adolescents. This is what Finnish psychologist Niina Junttila heard from children who were lonely at school and at home.

A child’s loneliness can be caused by both physical, mental and social factors, as well as the environment. What matters is how the child's character traits, skills and behavior relate to the demands placed on him by the environment. For example, a child who is praised at home for his politeness and willingness to help will behave in the same way in the yard and at school. If they begin to react as they do at home, this will strengthen previously learned skills and impressions, and in the future the ability to work together and the ability to empathize will be preserved.

But if the same child is treated derogatorily and his merits are downplayed, then at some point he will begin to change his behavior in accordance with the attitude of the environment. In this case, a friendly and helpful child may turn into a timid and withdrawn child or into a suspicious and aggressive one.

"My family moved three times - before the first half of the second grade ended, I changed three schools and three apartments. In the first two schools I was quite sociable and I had friends. Once in the third school, I became an outcast, whom everyone I was teased and couldn’t make friends. This continued throughout my years of study, and then I couldn’t trust anyone.”

“Despite my young age, I have moved more than 20 times in my life. And even if I managed to hook up with someone somewhere, it all quickly ended with the move. At some point, I could persuade my friends to go with me somewhere something, only if you promised to buy them something in the store.

In junior high I was teased for being short, and of course it took its toll. This continued throughout high school until I repeated my second year. Before that, I was almost like a child with ADHD, completely uncontrollable, but I had a certain number of friends, and we always found something to do. When I stayed for the second year, all this stopped, and I also had to change schools. It suddenly became clear to me that I was worse than others, because I was a repeater and older than my classmates. Before, I always thought: how can a person fall so far behind that they keep him for a second year... But I’m the one who fell behind.

After that, my friends disappeared and I probably sat at home for a year and didn’t go anywhere with anyone. At school it was always easy to lie about what I did on the weekends, and they believed it. But in reality everything was different."

"Other people never understand me, they tell me to go out and enjoy life. But if you are ugly, then it feels like a million slimy worms and snails crawling on your skin, a sharp pain deep under the skin, and then there is feeling as if you are all twisted and want to twist all your limbs. The touch of clothes allows you to feel every point of the body, even with eyes closed and hands raised up. I hate my body, I don’t feel like it’s mine.”

"I admit that I'm not perfect. I myself have done things that would make people think that I'm not worth dealing with. I'm short-tempered, lazy, I'm always red when I get irritated, if I don't like something. Sometimes, when old friends invited me to go somewhere with them, I could simply refuse because I wanted to be alone. I don’t know why I did that, but now I naturally got what I wanted: I’m lonely, and the further I go, the more so. more. My old friends have forgotten me for the sake of new acquaintances. It’s becoming difficult for me to even talk because I don’t do it often.”

“I was driven to loneliness by my boundless self-criticism, uncommunicative and timid character, the departure of few friends to study in another city and the feeling of my complete inability to communicate. A year of alternative service as a school assistant in a special school and exercises in communicating with “friends” in music group, fortunately, helped with the development of social skills and reduced the tendency to mumble and stutter, and I even made a very serious decision that my unsociability and (often very painful) loneliness needed to end. Perhaps in a year and a half I will decide to call these guys from the group just friends, without sarcastic quotes."

“What can help us, the lonely, best? I know that you can’t show anyone that you’re lonely, otherwise it will be bad. Nowadays people have so little empathy that loneliness is considered an unworthy and pathetic phenomenon.

This is some kind of vicious circle - if you don’t have a single friend, then you can’t make them. Well, you need to be able to somehow lie to others that they know and love you, even if this is not the case, and try to hide how things really are. But then, if someone accidentally notices that I don’t have any friends, he will tell everyone, and all efforts will go down the drain.”

“I have always been quite reserved, and I never had real friends. Life did not spoil me. At school, I still remained a loner: a few friends don’t count - there was not a single friend among them. In the seventh grade, bullying began. They tried to hurt me, called me underdeveloped and all sorts of other things. Those who teased me began to spread rumors that my reputation was in jeopardy. hometown and still blacker than black. When I go there, even now, many people call me names when they see me on the street.”

"At the end junior school I developed depression. As I moved into high school, my condition worsened and I told my friends about it. They apparently got scared and left me alone. The depression that I still have prevents me from making new friends. It led me to avoid the company of other people."

Childhood abuse or neglect

Ideally, home is the safest and most favorable place for socialization. This is where the child is accepted and given the opportunity to feel like they belong to a family. But this doesn't always happen. Sometimes home is the most traumatic place, which is why a boy or girl experiences loneliness, a feeling of not belonging and his own uselessness.

“As a child, I was terribly ashamed of my alcoholic parents and the fact that I could never invite friends over. This led to a loss of self-confidence, timidity and wariness - problems that persist with me to this day.”

“It all came from the family. I was about eight years old. My father died in an accident when I was about five. My mother fell madly in love with a man with a child from her first marriage. Soon she became pregnant, and her chosen one was already eager for marriage , life together and a common house. He had to prove to his ex-wife and his own parents how great everything was with him.

We moved into the house next door to his ex-wife. That is, she lived through the fence! A year later, this man moved away from his mother. But because of the mortgage, they were forced to spend many years under the same roof. Everything was boiling and bubbling in this pool, and all this negatively affected my behavior.

In appearance we looked like a “happy family”. The way this man treated me only made my condition worse. He was cold, distant and silent. Friends could not be invited except for a birthday party. He built his own entertainment center in our living room, and in his presence I was denied access to it. I was “someone else’s tomboy,” as he himself put it.

Soon they bought me a TV and all sorts of entertainment so that I would not go into the living room, which this man considered his “private space.” Thus began my loneliness and isolation. I played in my room, lived my fiction and sat in front of the TV or at the computer for many years until I graduated from school and went to study in another city."

On Thursdays we have eldest daughter Marusya’s ritual: after school, while her younger sister is at music lesson and her younger brother is in kindergarten, we go drink hot chocolate at the nearest cafe

That Thursday turned out to be truly spring and sunny, but for some reason Marusya wandered with her head down and did not, as usual, talk about lessons and events in class. Suddenly lower lip She began to tremble, and my daughter burst into a confused speech, which was interrupted by sobs:

Today I wanted to play with Alex, but he refused. And then the girls at recess in the yard told me: “Go away, we have our own game!” Nobody wants to play with me, nobody! I have no friends at all!

And she cried bitterly.

At that moment, my lips, hands and everything in general began to shake. Flashback from my school years: I, as always (well, almost always), return home from school alone. While other boys and girls usually walked after school in flocks, and then hung out for a long time either on the playgrounds or in the hallways - depending on the time of year.

I wasn't popular at all at school. All my days, without exception, were scheduled: music school three days a week, and also English and a swimming pool. Exciting parties in hallways did not fit into this schedule. I was also a year and a half younger than all my classmates; I only developed feminine curves in high school, so I wasn’t even on the list of school beauties. And I didn’t have a bosom friend to exchange secrets with, wear pendants made from two halves of a heart and all that. It seemed like there were a lot of friends, but no close friends.

I remembered all this so vividly that I again felt very bitter, hurt, and there was a lump in my throat from the injustice.

Actually, it was this physical sensation that brought me back to reality from the past. I tried to calm down and take several deep breaths. This is all a long time ago. And this is my life, not my six-year-old daughter. There is no need to project your childhood experiences onto her.

The topic “I have no friends” comes up for Marusya from time to time, with varying degrees of intensity. On the playground, I see that most often she wanders alone, looking at some leaves and sticks, and sometimes reading.

I see how she wants to join the girls from the class who run around together and play their games, but she is shy, timid, afraid that they will not accept her.

And, as usual, fears are translated into reality: it happens that she is actually not taken into the game. The problem looks even worse in the background younger sister, who at four and a half is a natural socialite - knows everyone, is friends with everyone and hangs out with everyone, endlessly visiting guests and from party to party.

The offended girl who lives inside me is surprised and indignant: why? After all, Marusya is incredibly smart, interesting, enthusiastic, she has good feeling humor and she is a loyal comrade. Why don't other children see this?

The adult part of me understands that friendship, like love, is an irrational phenomenon, it cannot be explained logically and does not follow any algorithms. They are friends with the beautiful and the ugly, the generous and the harmful, the intellectual and the stupid, the strong and the weak.

The ways of generating friendship are inscrutable, and it is beyond my power to “get” Marusya friends. But I can completely increase the chances of her popularity.

After all, I devoted almost ten years of my professional life to PR and networking! I’m sharing a plan that I’ve been following for some time now (and seeing first successes!):

1. Greeted by clothes

Yes, it's what a person is like inside that matters, not what he looks like. Still, don't underestimate the packaging. People are drawn to those who are outwardly attractive. Therefore, we pay more attention to hygiene, hairstyle, and clothing. And you will have to reserve your opinion for a while about what is stylish and what is not. If sneakers with sparkles and keychains with plush ponies are in fashion among six-year-old girls, so be it.

2. Everyone loves politeness

One of my favorite English sayings is: “manners cost nothing.” This is really true: it’s not at all difficult to say “thank you”, “please”, “if it’s not difficult for you”, “you will help me a lot if...”

A kind word is also pleasant for a cat, and a sincere smile and gratitude can open many doors.

3. There are no “better” or “worse” people

You need to communicate equally openly and respectfully with the school principal, with a classmate, with his parents, with a waiter, with an elevator operator, and with a policeman. Everyone is equally important. It is necessary for parents to follow this approach themselves.

4. Illustrative example

Parents themselves need to actively communicate, be friends, not discuss friends and acquaintances behind their backs, help, sometimes ask for help themselves, be sure to thank and draw the child’s attention to manifestations of friendship and mutual assistance. “How Kira’s mom helped me today! What a real friend!”

5. Anatomy of friendship

Although it is impossible to identify the creation algorithm friendly relations, but you can analyze and discuss their important components with your child. Loyalty, reliability, honesty, trust, empathy, mutual interest, flexibility and the ability to adapt to the other person's mood are the key ingredients of friendship.

Discuss episodes from films and books, explain to your child in as much detail as possible what good friend. In this case, he will have a coordinate system from which he can start when making decisions.

6. Everything is in our hands

A proactive position is not only good for friendship, but also for life in general. Instead of waiting for someone to call you to play, you can come up with your own interesting game and invite others to join. My favorite case study is Tom Sawyer and painting a fence.

7. "No" is not the end of the world

It’s easy to say: come and invite. What if they refuse? Will they laugh? It is important to convey to the child the idea that there is nothing wrong with refusal. If someone doesn’t want to play with you now, this in no way characterizes either you or the person who refused you. You need to try not to take the word “no” too seriously and internally accept the fact that every person is free to communicate or not communicate with others.

It is also useful to learn to “leave the door open”: it is likely that someone who did not want to play together today will want to tomorrow.

8. Reliable rear

It is important for a child to know that, whatever his relationship with peers and other people around him, you are his safe haven, his fortress, where he will always be unconditionally accepted, understood and loved. Only after being imbued with this acceptance and support do children have enough courage and mental strength to go out into the world. big world and build healthy relationships in it.

Everyone remembers how important an “enriched environment” is for a child’s development. This also applies to social connections. I’m like a good networking spider (what a comparison!): I’m slowly weaving an openwork and extensive network of contacts for my growing children. I meet other mothers and fathers, arrange holidays and play dates (this is when children come to visit each other on a planned basis to play), picnics, invite them to tea and cakes, try not to forget about birthdays, remember the names of parents, brothers and sisters.

In a word, I sow the seeds of friendship, and what to do with the harvest - my children will decide for themselves. The main thing is that they definitely won’t have to “starve”.

Gestalt psychotherapist Zhanna Belousova comments:

Little children are delicate and sensitive. If they are hurt, they feel it acutely and live it to the fullest, unable to hide despair and resentment. As we age, we “grow skin.” We become ashamed to show ourselves weak and vulnerable, doubting our attractiveness. It seems that if we look more capable and cool, then everyone will want to be “friends” and “play” with us. Only then do we stop being ourselves.

The solutions mom proposed in her post largely illustrate the way people in our narcissistic-individualistic world deal with resentment, shame, and childhood “unloving.” We just wish they weren't there.

As a psychotherapist, I would suggest slowing down a little here and looking at the situation more carefully.

Of course, you want to immediately start doing something and correct the situation - but before any action, it is important to notice, acknowledge and live your feelings.

If, in an attempt to support, you say “it’s okay,” the child will experience dissonance. “What is this, if not scary? After all, I’m in pain, and I’m afraid. I’m afraid that the boy didn’t want to play with me - because I’m kind of unpleasant. I’m afraid that no one will ever want to be friends with me. I’m terrible, terrible upset..."

Yes, you want to turn away from such complex feelings, run away, but it is important to stay with them, stay with the child in them, help him notice, live and name them, one after another: “It looks like you’re scared,” “You’re in pain,” “ It’s terribly offensive when people say that,” “I would be very angry, you can’t talk to me like that,” etc.

The next step is to “normalize the world” of the child. He has lost his orientation, normal cause-and-effect relationships are broken. “Why did he say that? - Because I’m somehow wrong” - this is the image that remains in the soul and head of a child who has experienced rejection.

From the outside it is easier for parents to see: other children behaved unpleasantly for a reason, they had some reason, the event had a context. Perhaps they are treated the same way at home, or was the unpleasant event preceded by a quarrel between your child and someone from the company?

Perhaps they were deep in conversation or play and perceived your child's approach as an intrusion?

It is important not to “slip”, but to carefully navigate the situation: why did that boy or girl tell you that? For what reason did you choose these words? Discuss possible options with your child.

A marker that the situation has been sufficiently lived and understood is inner peace and restored trust in the world. Feeling "ok". At this stage, you can rejoice and praise yourself: the main anti-traumatic work has been done. This orientation has another advantage. If we understand the motives and experiences of the offender, we can look at him with sympathy and empathy. This is often not easy to do, it requires a lot of mental work, but it will be received with gratitude by the people around you.

After this, it will be useful to fantasize with your child: could everything have been different? How would he like it to be? What could the guys have said or done differently? What would you like from them, these specific people, hear?

Why is it important to analyze a specific situation, and not reason according to the principle “I want everyone to love me”? Children often generalize: “I have no friends,” “Nobody loves me,” “Nobody plays.” And even as adults we “sin” with beliefs like: “There are few decent people in the world.” This is how we spread our painful experience to “everyone,” attach labels, fixing a certain pattern of relationships. Because if “nobody loves” me, I begin to be and behave like the one whom no one loves.

When we try to make friends through a “mass effort,” we actually avoid contact with other people. But in friendship you shouldn’t chase quantity - what’s important is its quality. Do you know how in history textbooks they write about extensive and intensive land development? So: we don’t need “extensive development of friends.” We would like to deal with just one person. And it’s convenient to start with those who are closest. Why did this boy refuse to play with me? Why did he answer me like that? Let the child try to get in touch with the “offender” and talk through his feelings and thoughts. From such discussions, amazing friendships are born!

And then comes the most important point. The child determined and said what he expects from communication, what his needs are. As a rule, we wait for the “first step” from the other: let him show that he likes me, then I can also smile at him and be responsive. Let's try the opposite? If a child wants that girl to smile warmly at him, let him try to do it first.

Children who have experienced rejection - by parents or other children - begin to fear that they will not be accepted again. They become very attentive and observant. Approaching each person, they instantly read the slightest signs of sympathy or antipathy towards themselves.

We are talking about micro-moments: perhaps a child approaches a group of other children on the playground a little more slowly, while slightly holding his breath. He prepares himself in advance that he will not be welcome. And at this moment he seems to “give in” to the action he wants to receive: a warm greeting and an invitation to play. And there are definitely children on the playground who are ready to meet you halfway, but because of this momentary delay and uncertainty, they also begin to think that they don’t really like this person.

And, not yet knowing how to express themselves carefully, they can say something harsh and hurt a sensitive child. The fear of making contact intensifies.

We can help a child see and understand the feelings of people around him, support him in being the first to open up and be the first to invite children he likes into a relationship. And then empathy, trust and openness will become the key to friendship. After all, friendship, like love, is not a fixed given. This is a process in which there is a lot of novelty in every communication and which requires constant creative adaptation.