The article will talk about methods of punishing children and the psychology of punishment.
The educational process is not complete without punishment. This is one of the methods of education that helps direct the child’s behavior in the right direction and point out mistakes made. Lack of punishment leads to uncontrollability of the child.
And, if at a younger age his actions are perceived by others as innocent pranks, then at an older age problems with socialization may arise. We all live in society and, whether parents want it or not, the child must develop according to generally accepted norms. However, parents often cross the line in their upbringing.
Punishment is in no way compatible with cruelty. Also, punishments have nothing to do with humiliation and non-observance of human rights. A child is the same person who has his own desires and life position. The role of parents is only to guide the child in the right direction and point out mistakes.
Causes of behavioral disorders
The first thing parents need to figure out is the reasons for the behavior disorder. After all, sometimes it is enough to eliminate the cause of the scandal.
- The desire to win parental attention. It happens that in a family where both parents work, the baby does not receive enough of their attention. The only way to distract parents from their work is through bad behavior. Only then do parents begin to communicate with the baby, albeit in the form of punishment. If a child notices such a tendency in the behavior of his parents, then he will behave badly quite often. The only way out of this situation is for parents to figure out their schedule and spend more time with their child.
- Often, a preschool child does not behave badly on purpose. Parents must study and understand age-related characteristics and take them into account when raising
- Nervous overexcitability. Modern children suffer from hyperactivity and find it difficult to concentrate and calm down. One of the reasons is violations nervous system due to the use of artificial toys. This concept means the use of a TV, computer, tablet and phone. In to school age Contact of children with these devices is highly undesirable
- Presence of diseases. Poor health and the inability to express this often causes moodiness and bad behavior in children.
Why can you punish a child?
As noted above, children younger age Often they do not deliberately violate discipline. In this case, parents must put themselves in the position of a small child and patiently teach him the necessary skills. Situations in which it is still worth punishing a child:
- For inappropriate hysteria. Often, children's tantrums take adults by surprise. The child has already realized that by throwing a scandal in a store or in the park, he can easily get what he wants. If you don’t stop this behavior, your baby will start throwing tantrums more and more often.
- For violating prohibitions. Each age has its own norms of behavior and rules. They must be agreed upon with the child in advance.
- For intentionally bad behavior. Sometimes it happens that children at school age begin to manipulate adults. In this case, you need to explain and demonstrate to the child that the educational process is your responsibility, not entertainment.
- Punishments must be approached very carefully. It is a big plus if parents learn to perceive the child’s behavior without emotion. Then the educational process will be easier for all family members
How to punish a child for bad behavior?
In pedagogy, there are several methods of punishing children:
- Educational conversation with analysis of the committed act. This method recognized as the most effective for punishing children different ages. Only the types of conversations should differ. For example, it is inappropriate to talk to a teenager as if he were a preschooler. In this case, the conversation will not bring results.
- Ignoring the baby. This method of punishment copes well with children's tantrums.
- Deprivation of entertainment, such as watching TV or going out with friends
- Deprivation of material benefits (for example, deprivation of pocket money and gifts)
- Physical punishment
- Isolating the child (for example, placing him in a corner)
How to punish a child for bad grades
Bad grades are a stumbling block between parents and children. On the one hand, they may indicate the child’s carelessness. On the other hand, they may indicate the baby’s development in a different direction. Parents should treat their child with understanding and not demand the impossible from him.
- Understand the reason for the bad grades. It may not be your child's fault at all. Maybe he has a difficult relationship with his teacher
- Find out your baby's strengths. It happens that a child gets bad grades in mathematics. However, he is the best in class in terms of English language and other humanitarian subjects. Pay attention to this when choosing your future profession
- If your child is doing poorly in all subjects, have a conversation with him. Surely there are factors that prevent him from studying
- You cannot punish your child excessively for bad grades, otherwise you will completely discourage the desire to learn.
- Combine punishments with rewards. Give your child incentives to study (for example, that he will go to the sea in the summer if he finishes the year without C grades)
Rules for punishing children
In order for punishments to not be senseless cruelty, they must be aimed specifically at eliminating behavioral errors. Punishments in no case should concern the personality of the child himself. When punishing, parents are required to follow certain rules:
- Do not punish a child in a state of aggression. This can only worsen the conflict
- The best education is personal example. It's stupid to punish a child for something you do yourself.
- Don't get personal
- Do not compare your child with others, this lowers self-esteem and sets the child against his opponent
- The whole family must adhere to the same line of education. It is unacceptable for a mother to allow what a father forbids.
- Keep your own promises and rules
- Before punishing your child, discuss his behavior. Find out why he did what he did
- Every punishment must end in reconciliation. Punishment should not be extended for too long
Raising a child without punishment
It is impossible to completely avoid punishment. In one way or another, all parents punish their children. And only those who are absolutely indifferent to the life of the baby do not punish. However, it is within the power of every family to reduce punishment to a minimum.
- Show patience and understanding. A child is a person just like you. Each of his actions has meaning. Try to understand the motives of the baby's behavior. Then, the approach to the sky will be much easier to find
- Observe own rules. For example, there is a rule not to watch TV until homework and homework are completed. Naturally, the child will ask permission again and again so that you give in to him. And once you give in, you can forget about this rule
- The educational process should be based on personal example. For example, it is difficult to instill a love of reading in a child if he does not see his parents with a book in their hands
- Don't put pressure on your child. Create rules of conduct together
- Treat your child as an individual. Even in at a young age the child has characteristics of character and temperament. This especially needs to be taken into account when raising teenagers. Don't treat your child like a toddler
- Reward your child for good behavior and following rules. However, everything must be in moderation. A child should not behave well just for the sake of encouragement.
- Share your baby's interests and spend more time together. If a child sees that you need him, he himself will want to make contact
Physical punishment Psychology of physical punishment
Teachers from all countries have already proven the ineffectiveness of physical punishment. Moreover, they have a detrimental effect on the development of personality and life skills.
- Parents often use physical punishment to assert themselves. Bad mood and unwillingness to pay attention to the child are the main reasons for physical punishment.
- The child does not learn new skills due to such punishments
- Physical punishment leads to a child’s fears and self-doubt. The child stops trusting his parents
- Such punishments bring about the “revenge” of the child. In case of physical pain, the child cannot respond in kind, so he takes revenge in other ways.
- Physical punishment has an extremely negative impact on family relationships
- Physical punishment leads to problems for the child in relationships with peers. The child may become intimidated and not be able to stand up for himself. Another option is the child’s cruelty towards peers, younger children and animals.
How to avoid using physical punishment?
- Parents and other family members must clearly understand the inadmissibility of this kind of punishment
- To avoid resorting to physical punishment, parents should learn other methods of punishment
- It happens that parents justify physical pressure on a child by the impossibility of “reaching out” to him. However, this is only an indicator of the impatience of the parents themselves.
- To find an approach to a child, you need to understand his motives and goals. Only after this can you improve your relationship with your child.
The most important thing is love for children and showing your attention. Then, every family will have healthy and harmonious relationships.
Video: How to properly punish a child?
Puberty. They always scare their parents good boys and girls - and so as not to relax. In the understanding of society, adolescence is a period when little angels turn into evil, selfish monsters, and parents, due to nervousness, shorten their years of life.
But you and I are adults. Now let's turn on the light in this scary dark room and see why children behave badly, how they feel about it, how to gain the trust of a teenager, and what punishment will serve as correction.
Should teenagers be punished?
Svetlana Mesnikovich
Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Associate Professor at the Institute of Psychology of the Belarusian State Pedagogical University
By using incorrect punishments, parents risk suppressing the teenager’s individuality and lowering his self-esteem. Fear will teach him to adapt. It turns out to be a vicious circle: by punishing with the best intentions, in righteous anger, but thoughtlessly, you yourself will push your son or daughter to commit new, even worse offenses.
Maybe not take risks and not punish at all? Or find a balance between punishment and encouragement, learn to understand what you can praise for and what you can blame for, and how exactly?
A study conducted in the senior classes of one of the schools in the Pervomaisky district of Minsk confirmed that punishment is really necessary. Regarding the ratio of carrots and sticks, both children and adults mostly agreed: 50:50. But some teenagers believe that there should be more rewards, and in the group of parents there was an opinion that punishments should prevail.
Teachers agreed that the ratio depends on , and there should be more incentives.
Which actions are worthy of approval and which are blameworthy?
(according to respondents)
| Respondents | Why should you be punished? | What to encourage |
| Students | For bad behavior (alcohol, immoral acts, insulting someone) | For academic success, moral actions, excellent performance of household duties, for correct behavior |
| Parents | For failure to fulfill duties, bad behavior, poor studies | For good deeds and deeds, independence, good studies |
| Teachers | For deviating behavior (smoking, alcohol, rudeness, immoral acts) | For moral actions, the pursuit of knowledge, activity in achieving goals and the formation of a personal position |
What psychologists recommend punishing for:
- in case of a threat to the physical (psychological) well-being of the teenager himself or other people
- in case of an attempt on the safety of material, cultural and spiritual values
- in case of violation of social norms of behavior
Svetlana Mesnikovich
In order for the system of punishments and rewards to be beneficial (in extreme cases, not cause harm), it cannot be made the main thing in the upbringing of a teenager. Rewards should prevail over punishments. And most importantly: the child should feel loved. Always strive to understand a growing person and show your readiness to support him morally.
Unfair punishment is...
Study participants consider the following punishments for teenagers to be the most unfair.
The main reasons why teenagers are punished
There are no permanent rules of behavior in the family
Some parents and teachers are confident that teenagers themselves should understand how they can and cannot act in a given situation. There is, of course, some truth in this, but children do not know how to read minds, and they should not.
Statements like “This is elementary” and “It was meant to be done this way” are at least ridiculous. This is elementary for YOU and was meant by YOU.
Only by clearly defining the rules and boundaries of interaction, and making sure that everyone understands each other, will you have the moral right to punish the child for violating these rules.
For example, you were going to bake pizza when you returned from work, but it turned out that the child ate cheese. Direct your indignation at the disrupted plans to yourself: how did he know that he couldn’t take the cheese? How did he know to take out the trash? What change should be returned to parents after buying milk today? SPEAK your plans and intentions in advance, together determine permanent rules of behavior, and there will be fewer conflicts in the family.
A teenager tries to test the strength of his parents' love and test the limits of their power.
He does this, feeling already grown up, due to his age characteristics. In such cases, adults begin to doubt whether the boundaries are set sufficiently rigid, or maybe they need to be softer?
Anyway kids adolescence from time to time they try to cross the line of what is permitted, and if possible, then demolish it completely. Both severe and fairly loyal prohibitions will be violated. How to react to this?
Svetlana Mesnikovich
Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Associate Professor at the Institute of Psychology of the Belarusian State Pedagogical University.
It would be wise to first set strict rules, and over time, when you are sure that your son (or daughter) can be trusted at this stage, gradually give more and more privileges, weakening control. The boundaries of what is permitted for a teenager depend on how much he can be trusted.
Psychological problems of adults - parents and teachers, their internal state
For example, you had a hard day. In the morning, they issued a fine for violating traffic rules, the boss forced them to redo the work, finding fault with little things, they got caught in the rain without an umbrella, and in the evening, a phone forgotten at home contained 37 messages about missed calls, including from an important client... Well, or just in a bad mood.
And then you come all on edge, and at home your son, let’s say, listens to music loudly. Or the bed is not made. Or the dishes aren't washed... It doesn't matter what he did or didn't do. He always did this. But today this last straw has overflowed the cup of your patience, and severe punishment befalls the unfortunate teenager.
Do you know how he feels? That you are unfair. In order not to embitter the child and not to widen the gap between you, be consistent: if you have not punished for this before, then restrain yourself now.
Another common reason for bad behavior is family troubles. When there are conflicts between parents (and especially if the family is on the verge of collapse), then children can deliberately behave badly so that the mother and father are distracted from their quarrels and begin to solve the child’s problem together.
Or the teenager is given little attention: parents are always busy with work, household chores, teachers don’t care about him either - as long as he completes his assignments and doesn’t fidget. Yes, he is ready to stand on his head so that they spend more time with him, have a heart-to-heart talk! Even if these conversations have a negative connotation...
Svetlana Mesnikovich
Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Associate Professor at the Institute of Psychology of the Belarusian State Pedagogical University.
The listed situations and similar ones can be avoided if adults recognize their internal problems and try to solve them, and also begin to try to control their bad mood and not take it out on the child. Analyze your relationship with a teenager - perhaps a lot can be changed for the better.
Punishment must always be proportionate to the offense, the logical connection must be clearly visible.
The more clearly the logic between the offense and punishment is visible, the more valuable this experience is for the young offender.
For example, a schoolboy wrote ballpoint pen desk Logical punishment: order the desk to be washed clean. Illogical: make everyone wash all the desks in the classroom, as well as the floor and doors.
It is logical to deprive a child of a computer for one day if, despite the ban, he sat at it until late. It is illogical to deprive him of a computer, TV and telephone conversations.
Adults must understand which punishments lead to the desired result, and which, on the contrary, aggravate disobedience. Sanctions commensurate with the offense will serve as a lesson without humiliating the dignity of the teenager or embittering him.
How to encourage a teenager without doing a disservice
When asked in the survey which reward you consider the best, high school students answered as follows (in descending order):
- praise
- money
- present
- trust
- sweets
Parents and teachers indicated:
- recognition of merit
- praise
- support from loved ones
- goal achievement
Build in him faith in success, and he will not be afraid to take on a difficult task.
But: “Well done, you did exactly what I expected”; “You listened to me, and for this I will allow you to walk longer than usual today” - such phrases indicate manipulation of the child, and this infringes on his self-esteem.
You need to reward for specific actions, and not for qualities of character or properties.
At the same time, do not give your child unnecessary things, do not buy trips to places where he does not want to go. Formalism, like public praise, in which the child is singled out from others, making him feel awkward in front of friends, will be a disservice.
Also think about the true meaning of the phrases: “Well, you can, if you want!”, “Finally, you completed the task perfectly, and not like last time" In the words of adults - true attitude to a teenager, and he subtly catches it.
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What to do if your child gets a bad grade, and how to properly motivate him to do well in his studies. Recommendations from a psychologist.
Marina, is it necessary to explain to your child about the school grading system that “five” is good and “two” is bad?
If the school has a grading system, and especially if it is adopted in elementary school, then you definitely need to talk about it with your child. Explain to him in what cases and for what he can receive this or that assessment. It is important that the child does not form such a negative connection: “if I have bad grades, then I am bad.”
In a traditional Russian school, assessment is a public act. The whole class, or even the whole school, knows what grades a particular child achieves. And very often, especially in junior school, grades are a measure of the child’s personality as a whole, when labels such as “C” or “excellent student” indicate the child’s abilities in principle. They are also a filter in the process of adaptation of the child both in the group of peers and in the teaching community. And this prism is the main one in the school environment. The fact that a child’s speed of perception of material is lower than others, for example, or due to his choleric temperament it is difficult for him to concentrate on a task - all these nuances will be taken into account in the very last place.
Often, schools do not take into account the dynamic processes in a student’s development. At the beginning of the year, the child could show far from the best results, but by the end of the quarter his performance became higher, but the overall score when calculating the quarter mark will not take this progress into account - initial low grades, especially in large numbers, will devalue the final high grades.
Therefore, the child, of course, must know that he must strive to get good grades in order to be successful in the future. But bad grades should not be interpreted as ignorance, carelessness and laziness.
ChildI got a bad grade. Is it worth punishing?
You don't need to do this. Motivation for progress and achievement must be positive. If there is a bad grade, it means you need to try harder to improve the result. Punishing a child for a bad grade, for example, by depriving him of walks, games or communication with friends, his motivation will be negative. It creates either fear or nihilism. In case of fear, the child will be afraid to take the initiative. This can be implemented like this: for example, one problem may have several solutions, but even if your child has them, he will remain silent or use the only acceptable answer because he will be afraid of making a mistake. In the case of nihilism, aggression and aversion to learning arise, the child will think like this: “if I have a bad grade, then I will do badly in everything.”
Let your child understand that a bad grade is just a reason to further improve the result. It’s like in sports, where a loss or a missed goal is not a failure, but another training session and a step towards a new achievement, victory. This is exactly the attitude a child should have toward a teacher’s grades.
If every bad assessment is followed by its analysis, and in the connotation of a positive outcome, then they will be avoided faster. Because the child who brought a bad mark will know that he can explain to the parent why this happened, why the bad mark was given, and where he misunderstood the material. The student will have a feeling of security, not fear. The task of parents and teachers is to provide such a safe space for the student and, first of all, the elementary school student.
Is your child afraid of getting a bad grade or very nervous before tests? What to do?
If a child is afraid of bad grades, most likely, parents have already played their “role” here, “loading” the child with their expectations and unspoken demands.
There is no need to make your child an extension of your own success! Become your child's friend! In every assessment, support and care are needed, the child must know that he has a safe place and this place is his family.
If your child is nervous before a test, tell a story about yourself, about how you went to tests, how you passed exams, that you, too, were sometimes scared and excited, just like he is now. And very often the tests ended successfully, because there was enough knowledge, just like your child. But when you got a bad grade, you always had a chance to improve it. And the child also has this chance. This identification is important in this case, it provides support for your student.
There is nothing good in the fact that a child is constantly afraid of getting a bad grade. The psyche of a child who is threatened with a bad grade will include protective mechanisms in the face of parental and teacher rejection. And this is a normal mental function. However, the protection itself will not be the best. One option is an endless feeling of guilt for a bad grade and dissatisfaction with oneself, which as a result can lead to the identity of an inferior person. The second option is to develop such a quality as slyness, silence, popularly called lying. To avoid punishment (provided, of course, that he is being punished for bad grades), the child will lie. There is a third option. To prove that he is good, a student, having received a bad grade, will take the path of perfectionism and focus only on his homework. The result can be impressive, provided that the child has a strong ego and is able to withstand failure. But in primary school, which instills in the child knowledge about himself through grades, this is not typical. In addition, all three options are united by a common feeling - a feeling of fear, which in adult life develops into background anxiety and becomes one of the components neurotic conditions. For some, this is practically unnoticeable, but for others who were unlucky with a teacher in childhood, they will be very sensitive to the disturbing effect on the psyche.
Is it necessary to praise for “A” grades?
Of course, you need to praise for A's. But don’t overdo it with comments like “you’re the best”, “you know everything”, etc. Do not create a cult of “A”, when “A” is good, and everything else is below the bar and does not deserve praise, then a “bad” grade will not become a tragedy for the child.
If a child receives excellent grades, this is a reason for pride, first of all, for the parents. They are the ones who can influence the development of the so-called excellent student syndrome. Children's perfectionism is a very severe neurosis for a child, but a child falls into it with the direct assistance of an adult. As a rule, such a child is initially loaded with high parental expectations. The only way to justify them is to be good at everything, to become an excellent student, to win even at something other than your own game. If this does not happen, then the child feels unworthy and unnecessary to his parents.
First of all, let your child know that you are praising him not for the grades he receives, but for the fact that he strives for knowledge and shows interest in learning something. And there is no harm in the fact that at some point the child shows less curiosity about the subject and does not receive excellent grades for it.
The child believes that the teacher was unfair to him and lowered his grade. What should I do?
Analyze the situation, find out why the teacher gave such a grade. When you talk to your child about his grades, you are showing him your support. But it is also important not to lower the authority of the teacher in the eyes of the child. Therefore, it is worth taking not the position of your child’s parent, but the position of a teacher. Because often, from the position of a parent, we have one desire - to protect the child. If there really is injustice in the mark, then it is worth discussing it with the teacher.
In the photo: painting by F.P. Reshetnikov. "A deuce again"
In most cases, parents, having learned about a bad grade, begin to express their negative attitude to the situation. Dissatisfaction can be expressed in words, gestures, incessant lectures, and some even grab the belt. Seeing such a parental reaction, children often withdraw into themselves, stop trusting their parents, and begin to deceive in order to avoid a repetition of the unpleasant situation. Growing up, children distance themselves even more from their parents, ignoring their demands and statements.
What should parents do in such a situation? Despite the fact that the situation with a deuce is not very pleasant, try to control yourself, do not call or scold the child, do not speak badly about his mental abilities, and so on. Schoolchildren perceive such criticism not as an assessment of their knowledge, but as a mockery of their personality.
There is also no need to treat it with humor or ignore the fact of receiving an unsatisfactory grade; such a reaction from parents can provoke the child to give up school altogether. If necessary, you can help the child with homework, explain misunderstood material, but there is no need to do homework for the student, such a disservice will not bring any benefit in the future.
If a child has not learned his lessons without a good reason, for example, he forgot or walked on the street, played with friends, etc., there is no need to cover him up in front of the teacher. The child must be responsible for all his actions.
How to react to a bad grade? First of all, pull yourself together, sit next to your child and try to explain what was the reason for receiving an unsatisfactory grade. Be sure to say that you are also upset and that you will try to help if possible. A bad grade is not always the result of a lack of necessary knowledge; sometimes it can be due to poor health, conflict in the class or with the teacher, poorly understood material, etc.
Due to the fact that recently a large volume of homework has been assigned, and the teacher gives the minimum required, it is quite possible that the child simply did not understand the material. Try to understand this topic together with the student; if necessary, call the teacher; if you have the financial opportunity, you can visit a tutor.
If poor performance is associated with the inability to speak in front of an audience, practice with your child telling the report and essay out loud, in the presence of other family members. When the student has mastered the incomprehensible material, ask him to approach the teacher to correct the bad grade. And, most importantly, be your child’s friend in any situation, so that he knows that the family will understand and support him.
Faced with the fact that their beloved child begins to regularly carry “twos” and “threes,” few adults really think about how to correct the situation. The only right decision, as most parents believe, lies on the surface: scold, and that’s all! Look, next time he will be more diligent. Unfortunately, this approach often leads to the exact opposite result: a child who was scolded at all costs for an accidental “D” does not begin to study better, but, on the contrary, completely neglects his studies, and sometimes can even become aggressive. Parents, sincerely perplexed, often begin to put even more pressure on their offspring - needless to say, this only aggravates the situation?
On the other hand, it’s also impossible to completely ignore a child’s bad grades - a relaxed child will realize in the blink of an eye that the parents have given up. Subsequently, it is very difficult to “reeducate” such a child: if you did not pay attention to your student’s diary for several years, but after some time you began to demand good grades from him, it will not be possible to force a child who is accustomed to “forgetting” to study. We did a little research and found out why you should never scold a child for bad grades. You can find out the reasons by reading our article.
Reason one: grades do not characterize a person
The grades your child receives can tell a lot of things, but not the kind of person he really is. Characterizing a person by paying attention only to his grades is very stupid, but, unfortunately, this is exactly what most parents “suffer” from: in an attempt to reason with their child, they begin to compare his successes with the achievements of some excellent student. Such a comparison makes the child feel bad (since he cannot achieve the same thing that the hypothetical Vasya Ivanov achieved) and devalues his own successes. You should never scold your child just because he received what you think is an inappropriate grade, also for the reason that the grade may not reflect real knowledge: there are often cases, for example, when a teacher deliberately underestimates the grades of children whose parents did not hand over money on time (or did not hand over at all, although this is not necessary) for classroom needs. Unfortunately, most schools are still very, very far from objectively assessing the abilities of each child, and therefore you should not get hung up on grades: in most cases, they still do not reflect reality.
Reason two: your child may think that you are only interested in grades
If you scold your child for not giving a very good grade, or, on the contrary, praise your child for a high result noted in the diary, there is a risk that the child will think that you are only interested in school success. Every child wants to be loved, no matter what progress he makes at school. By scolding your child for bad grades, you can, of course, ensure that he becomes a better student. However, you run the risk of provoking in your child the development of so-called childhood perfectionism, or excellent student syndrome: it will be quite difficult to get rid of it later.
Reason three: scolding your child for bad grades, you kill the motivation to study better
For some reason, many parents think that the fear that a child experiences, afraid of getting a bad grade, is an excellent motivation that makes him study better. Maybe in some cases such “motivation” will work, and for some time you will even be able to observe a series of A’s and B’s in your student’s diary. Fortunately or unfortunately, in most cases, parents’ threats do not lead to anything good: to force a child to study better, only by scolding him for bad grades, it won't work. Alas, most likely you will have to observe an outcome completely different from what you expected: the child will simply lose the remnants of motivation that could encourage him to study better. Punishment in this case becomes meaningless, useless and even harmful: you not only did not achieve what you wanted, but also worsened an already deplorable situation.
