In the article you will learn:

Victim syndrome in relationships

Hi all! Today I'll start with a small test. Answer the question “Why do you love yourself?” Have you thought about it? If you had to try hard to remember, and in the end you named 1-2 qualities, then, alas, you do not have a high feeling for yourself. Love, of course, does not require conditions; the appropriate answer here is “Just like that!” But usually people with high self-esteem know their best sides and are not shy about mentioning them. How to love yourself without falling into victim syndrome in a relationship, that’s exactly what we’ll talk about today.

Ah, these sweet sufferings

Have you ever heard of such a concept as “secondary benefit”? A person is instinctively programmed to act in a way that is beneficial to him. Otherwise, he simply will not survive in the biological and social world. Therefore, if at first glance an action does not have logic, then do not rush to draw conclusions. Dig around and find where the dog is buried!

Why should a person be a disadvantaged creature, offended by others? I am convinced that victim syndrome in family or parental relationships also brings secondary benefits to its bearer.

  1. Firstly, there is no responsibility. Failures occur due to the fault of other people or circumstances. “I would have graduated well from school, but I was unlucky with the teachers,” “can you imagine, they fired me because evil boss“,” “I wouldn’t have divorced my husband, but he turned out to be a bastard,” “I got a kind of stupid child, he doesn’t listen to me at all,” “I live poorly because the state doesn’t provide for it”. Examples can be given endlessly.
  2. Secondly, constant energetic moral support. Friends feel sorry, empathize, offer help, freebies, in a word.
  3. Thirdly, in this position it is convenient put pressure on the feeling of guilt.

In order to maintain an infringed role, to confirm the status, it is necessary to have someone who will offend. Therefore, know that tyranny and assault in families are provoked by a wife with victim syndrome, and in relationships with a tyrannical man the disease takes on the most terrible forms. Some women walk around with bruises for years, but nothing changes. And if children see beatings, mental trauma is guaranteed for life.

Psychological origins: mistakes in education

Some will be surprised and rightly ask the question, “Is this a benefit? This is self-mockery and humiliation.” And they will be right. A self-sufficient person may even be offended by someone else’s pity; such a strategy of behavior is not to his liking. After all, what you want can be achieved by more worthy methods. For forever offended person, this environment is very comfortable and familiar. What makes you choose this path? Let's look at the reasons.

Let's trample the path to freedom

How to get rid of victim syndrome? It's time to put your cards on the table, my dear readers. Of course, the most quick way overcoming – see a psychotherapist. But there is not always money for a doctor of the soul, and there are many charlatans among them.

Milton Erickson, the great hypnotherapist, said that Problems are in a person’s head, and solutions are in it. You can achieve success on your own if you really want to. But the whole irony is that the sufferer is not aware of herself, and if she begins to guess, then the psyche turns on the strategy of denying reality, since it instinctively avoids everything bad.

But the man is stronger than he thinks. So, the main steps:

  1. In the psychology of victim syndrome there is such a concept as a locus of control. External - when a person sees the source of events happening to him in external circumstances, independent of him. Internal - when the result of an activity is caused by one’s own behavior and does not depend on the environment. Accordingly, a whining person has an exclusively external locus of control. It's easy to spot, just watch yourself.
  2. Awareness of your way of thinking– one of the main steps. Markers by which awareness can be achieved: only victims can blame and complain; believe that they are constantly unlucky; tolerate the negativity of others.
  3. Now a few important tasks that will help you free yourself from sacrificial relationships with husband and other people (answer in detail, record). Seriously! Take a pen and a piece of paper and write down all your answers to the following questions:
  • Don't look at others. There will always be someone more successful than you successful person. There is no point in comparing yourself to others. You need to go your own special way.
  • Enough with vegetables sitting in the garden. Development courses, sports sections, training seminars, urgently boost your profit! Scary? Let it be scary. Be afraid and do it, even if you close your eyes!
  • Any success results achieved– write in your diary, on the wall, on social networks, because you are proud of yourself!
  • Speak out loud your emotions and actions from the position of “I”: “I feel resentment towards (name) because I allowed myself to be offended.” Say it out loud for 20 days until the words become automatic thoughts.
  • Learn to say no. Dry feelings unpleasant people, boring events. And sometimes you even send it very correctly, gently, and kindly! Because it’s not great, right? Love in a relationship should be given to the most worthy! You can learn this in the article, “Why do we find it difficult to say no? »
  • Control yourself emotionally. I wanted to complain out of habit - stop! The tyrant again brought me to tears - stop. Don't lose yourself in a man. Over time, the surrounding aggressors will also change, as the usual style of communication has changed.
    If aggression persists due to the nature of the despot - irrevocable break no discussion. If an irresistible love for the terrorizing person persists, most likely the sacrifice has been transformed into everyday Stockholm syndrome. Perhaps there was a fact of cruel treatment or the psyche reacted to a long period of tyranny; in this case, I advise you to contact a good specialist and work through the destructive connection that has arisen.

That's all. I hope the article was valuable to you and you learned more about victim syndrome in relationships!

Don't forget to share with your friends and subscribe to my blog now, you will be aware of all the news!

Sincerely,
June

In severe cases, only a professional can help a woman. Another thing is that more self-confident representatives of the fairer sex also have certain victim traits. A woman may understand what her problem is, but not know exactly how to deal with it. Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Vladimir dating agency “I and You,” family psychologist and interpersonal relationship consultant, talks about the typical signs of a victim and how to learn to defend one’s interests.

As the psychologist notes, they can even suddenly become victims if they come across the “wrong” man who finds the “right button”, the lady’s deepest fear, and plays on it.

“If we take into account that the “everyday Gestapo” is by no means uncommon, then the topic concerning is relevant,” states Kuznetsova.

Here are four typical signs found in... One thing is quite enough to allow yourself to be driven into a corner.

1. Ban on negative emotions and aggression

Many women suppress negative emotions, fearing that a man will label them as a “scandal,” or a “bazaar woman,” because you’re not supposed to be angry.” Some ladies do not express displeasure because they are afraid of offending their partner, or that the claims made will be followed by a quarrel, which...

Women over and over again “swallow” the insult and do not show it to their partner negative emotions, against your will.

This tactic of behavior is typical of insecure ladies who were beaten and demanded to “not be indignant”, “not to be offended” and “not to cry”. The girls took these prohibitions with them into adulthood, and because of them they cannot build normal relationships with normal men.

Exit: it is necessary, thereby protecting yourself. In this case, it is best to demonstrate a negative state, and through a clear and specific articulation of your position: “You did this. I don’t like it because...” You need to show the man that you don’t need to be offended, that you don’t like this situation, and you don’t want it to happen again.

“If you are offended, try to show your dissatisfaction, and do not remain silent and do not tolerate. If you endure and swallow, it means,” states the psychologist.

At the same time, Elena Kuznetsova notes that for a woman who has never contradicted her man before, and suddenly decided to defend her rights, a difficult task lies ahead. At first, the partner simply will not take the passion’s claims seriously. Then his shock and surprise will turn into a storm of negative emotions. The man will try to do everything to psychologically, and the woman needs to be prepared for this fight. The only correct tactic here is to not pay attention to the man’s behavior and continue to defend your position: “And yet, despite your obvious dissatisfaction, I believe that this should be done.”

Further development of the situation depends on. If the reserves of humanity and respect for a woman are not completely zero, then the representative of the stronger sex will first strengthen his oppression and control over the woman tenfold, become tougher and more demanding, and then, if the partner does not submit or give up, he will loosen his grip. In the future, he will also not usurp the lady too much, and it will become easier for her to breathe. However, to win the battle, a woman will have to gather all her will into a fist and not give up ground. Otherwise, the man will completely crush her.

If the level of despotism of a man is beyond the bounds, and it is, in principle, then there are two options for the development of events: either the “male” will “break” his partner, or she will leave him, no longer able to tolerate a tyrant next to her.

2. Not trusting yourself

The point is that such ladies do not live by their thoughts and feelings, but by... The opinions and advice of strangers seem more correct to female victims, even though they themselves may not agree with them.

Women who have this trait in their character can become victims of violence only because they were once taught that only tall, thin men who wear raincoats and round glasses can be rapists. The female victim will fear and avoid such representatives of the stronger sex. But if the lady is a well-dressed, handsome-looking gentleman, the young lady may well agree, despite the fact that the escort causes her anxiety. A woman who is not used to trusting her feelings will simply ignore the signals of her intuition, which can cause her to get into trouble.

Lack of self-confidence arises from the fact that in childhood, adults did not take into account the child’s opinion at all and imposed their authorities. For example, they told him: “You’re wrong,” “You’re stupid, what can you do,” or “You’re too small, you don’t know.”

This situation could have happened not only in a marginal family, but also in a completely prosperous one, where the girl was loved, pampered and so protected that she was not allowed to do anything on her own. This “global amulet in a distorted form is a direct path to sacrifice,” notes Kuznetsova.

Exit: You should trust your feelings and your intuition more, because it is based on the subconscious and contains information that we latently read. Intuition often “notices” what our eyes cannot see.

In addition to the fact that women should develop intuition and learn to trust it, they need to be even more clear about their interests, tastes and concepts in order to refuse proposals already imposed by someone.

3. Poor boundaries

A woman does not distinguish between her own and someone else’s, and therefore easily allows other people to manage themselves - their time, their desires. Such women often come out of large families, where there was practically no personal space, personal belongings, where the mother could decide that the youngest daughter would not go on vacation in the summer, and give away the money that had been saved for the trip older sister- She found herself in a difficult life situation.

Women who do not know how to set clear boundaries often become the workhorses on whom management dumps all routine and difficult tasks. It is difficult for ladies to object because they do not understand that subordinates are not at all the property of management.

The same goes for . Women with “shaky boundaries” literally dissolve in their partner, forgetting about themselves.

“On the one hand, such sacrifice, it seems, is not bad, since a woman from childhood is “sharpened” on kindness, on nepotism. On the other hand, what kind of partner will she get. If this happens, he will spread rot on his lady, and she will not be able to resist,” says the interpersonal relationship consultant.

Solution: you need to learn to build clear boundaries between “us” and “stranger”. For example, during the working day - “other people’s time”, and after 18:00 - personal time. And you shouldn’t let other people take over your free minutes.

4. Taboo on initiative

Many ladies, for various reasons, including lack of self-confidence,... They wait for other people to make the first move. But the problem is that “others rarely act in anyone's interests other than their own.

If we talk about relationships, then the victim woman who meets feels happy. She likes that the man calls himself, comes himself, chooses the restaurant himself. But it often turns out later that behind such assertiveness is not a man’s desire to conquer the woman he likes, but a tyrant who, in principle, is not used to taking anyone’s opinion into account.

Solution: it is worth taking a more active position in life and showing initiative from time to time - both in business and in love. Your relationship with a man should be like a chess game: first. This way, you can understand who you are dealing with and whether you will fall under the yoke of a despot in the future.

If you want to suggest your topics related to interpersonal relationships, write to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .

The predator rushes through the forest thicket, its strong paws increase speed, pushing off the ground, the distance to the prey is reduced. Dry brushwood crunches under him, he doesn’t notice the tree branches that whip his tense face, the victim’s fear becomes more perceptible, his head is stupefied by an excess of adrenaline.

Now there is no need to rush, she is in his line of sight, he slows down, knowing that the victim is in his power, they cannot live without each other. His victim will not run away anywhere, she will not hide, it seems as if she does not really want to get rid of him. They run in a circle, slowing down and speeding up, along one well-trodden road, not knowing how to turn off it.

Unfortunately, this happens not only in the animal world; sometimes people behave no better than animals. A man and a woman play different roles in family relationships; it happens that someone plays the role of a victim. Why does this happen when only some become victims in relationships? How can a man or woman understand that he is a victim in a relationship? What does it mean to be a victim in a relationship? What is the psychology of the victim, her behavior? Psychology knows the answers to our questions, so we turned to its representative with them.

It is worth considering two cases of victim psychology. The first case is when one of the partners presents himself as a victim and constantly talks about being one, while calling his partner a punisher and persecutor. The second case, a man or woman makes his partner a victim by his actions.

In the first case, the person does not say that he is a victim, but from all his actions, it is clear that everything is bad in his relationship. No matter what his partner does, he remains dissatisfied with everything, he does not see anything good in the relationship, although in fact one can always find something positive. He doesn’t leave this relationship, which means something suits him. At the same time, the partner is not comfortable, it is unbearable to constantly listen to criticism and accusations addressed to him, and to feel the inability to satisfy his partner.

In such a situation, it is simply necessary to be close to the person and also provide silent support, this is what the victim needs. Because some moment comes that cannot be excluded from your life, you just need to live it. If we transfer this to family relationships, then perhaps a person who is a victim in a relationship has inside, figuratively speaking, crying child who needs to be hugged more often, told how beautiful, wonderful he is, praised, and given emotional support in his self-esteem. Sometimes, from the outside, it may look artificial, as if everything is being done on purpose, but, nevertheless, if we are talking about family relationships, this needs to be done, this is a certain work that will satisfy the needs of this partner.

The above applies more to the female sex, although it also applies to men, just in a slightly different way. A man will be pleased to hear that he does a lot for his family, he is strong, a protector, without him it is simply impossible. This is the same child, only of a different gender, who needs to be satisfied, his needs sweetened. In principle, every person wants to be noticed, seen, heard. The question here is about some personal characteristics; people with a fairly healthy, stable psyche can support themselves. A woman has done something good for the family, she is pleased with herself, she does not need a lot of words, that is, she does not fall into a state where she does not hear a stream of praise.

It also happens that a man or woman has a personal childhood story, psychological trauma, past relationships that stir the soul and make them morally unstable. Here you get such a changeover, you hug a person, praise him, tell him how great he is, but this is still not enough for him, it’s not enough and he begins to make claims. This is a delicate point, because not every person can understand and track such a process in themselves. To a simple question of what a person wants, he will give lengthy, unclear, incomprehensible answers. In such moments, a woman can simply burst into tears like a child, ask to be hugged more, to be told more often how great she is, to be thanked for the cooked dinner.

If the victim herself does not know what she wants, what she really needs, this point falls on such a research line in the family, it needs to be clarified. The partner must be puzzled about what to do with this, he will have to track this at every moment, and do not easy work. For example, the spouse was again offended, dissatisfied with something, and fell into the position of a victim. Here you need to dwell on the specific last situation and analyze it. You need to analyze it carefully, divide it into small specific situations. At least try, take each specific situation and delve a little deeper into it, otherwise it’s like running in a vicious circle that will never end, the most important thing is to understand what your partner wants.

Sometimes this is a personal, internal dissatisfaction of a person, very often this is faced by women who stay at home with their children, not every woman is internally, completely and forever ready to accept herself as a housewife, mother. Many will experience regrets that they were not realized somewhere; some kind of dissatisfaction can leak out in precisely this form. A woman has a need, roughly speaking, to go out in public, to be needed, to earn her money, to be distracted from everyday life, from children, her need is not satisfied, the woman gets angry and irritated. Find out how ""

In this situation, it is important to find out what she wants, what needs to be done so that the woman does not feel like a victim, take care of her, support her, help her. There is another option, it is quite common, when, in principle, a person has such a psychotype.

A person lives with a negative outlook, he does not know how to live differently, in the family he grew up in, he felt
yourself as a victim. He didn’t have enough internal resources to rebuild, to become different, he subconsciously looking for a partner who will suppress him, and he feels like a victim. If he
wants to get out of this, you only need to go to a specialist. An old story that needs to be dripped from
childhood, strengthen internal resources, increase self-esteem, allow yourself to talk about your needs.

Editorial Board: If you suddenly realize that you are lost, ask for help, take a different path, consult a psychologist, or first look at a book on psychology.