We are offended by relatives and loved ones, by friends and complete strangers, and indeed by the whole world, because we, who are so good, are treated so unfairly! And the pinnacle of all this madness is self-resentment. Why madness? But this is what we will talk about today.

Even though resentment is very common and every person experiences it regularly, it is necessary to understand its harmfulness and succumb to this feeling as little as possible. In order for you, dear friends, to fully understand why I so persistently advise you to avoid feeling offended, I consider it necessary to “decipher” this feeling: where it comes from in the soul and why it affects a person so strongly.

I must say right away that it is IMPOSSIBLE to offend anyone with anything. A person makes his own decision whether to be offended or not. In most cases, of course, he is offended: how else to perceive an unfair remark from your boss, how to react to the departure of a loved one to someone who, in your opinion, is less valuable, how else to show the world your dissatisfaction with your standard of living?

In their grievances, adults look somewhat funny and similar to toddlers who seek attention with insults and copious tears. What can a person achieve who has long passed this age, but take offense for no reason or no reason, and does not stop, and is he seriously offended and believes that this feeling will somehow help him in life?

  • He does not understand that resentment is a destructive feeling that interferes with the development of his personality. Offended people never achieve success in any area of ​​life.
  • If you let resentment into your soul and allow it to settle there, it will become the main feeling that does not allow other feelings to develop. It will also begin to destroy in the bud all the noblest impulses of man, necessary for personal growth.
  • Resentment is the main obstacle to achieving goals.
  • Resentment is the cause of diseases that arise on the physical plane.

Do you understand how serious this is?!

All grievances are based on unjustified expectations and unfulfilled desires. When communicating with loved ones to whom you are not indifferent, you are constantly waiting for something: your mother will buy a doll (she didn’t); So my boyfriend today, for my sake, will be freed from work earlier, and we will go to a cafe (he wasn’t free, we didn’t go); Now my child will learn English perfectly and enter the most prestigious department of the most prestigious university (he didn’t learn, didn’t get accepted - he generally likes to treat animals). And off we go: grievances arise out of the blue, practically from your fantasies, reproaches rain down on the heads of your family and friends as if from a cornucopia, and they don’t understand what the problem actually is and begin to consider themselves to blame for your invented “grief.” "

Thus, an offended person destroys not only himself, but also imposes destructive feelings on his loved ones.

So that resentment does not destroy your world, your plans, your personality, you need to learn to transform this negative feeling into positive energy success and development.

  • Let go of the grudge, free yourself from it. If you are offended by specific person or people, forgive them and in any way available to you, let them know that you are not offended by them, but consider them teachers in your life: write to them about it, send an SMS, call them. If they don’t want to see and hear you, or you don’t want to hear them, use the visualization method - very clearly and clearly imagine the person you are forgiving, and say the forgiveness phrase with all sincerity and love. Farewell not for show, but with all your heart.
  • Try not to let resentment deep into your soul, abstract yourself from unpleasant situations and unpleasant people. Remember that offended and aggressive people are energy vampires and with their resentment they provoke you into contact in order to feed at least a little with your fresh energy. Don't give them that chance.
  • Don't make sudden moves on the way to achieving your goals. Imagine that your intention, talent, abilities are a kind of energetic hand, and the end result (what you want to receive) is a luminous clot, a ball in the Universe. If you try to grab this ball too quickly, it will either move away from you to a “safe” distance in a very short period of time, or you will still manage to grab it and hold it - but no more. For realization of what you want you will spend a lot of energy, but will not really achieve the result - it will be completely different from what you expected.

As a result, a person realizes that he failed to achieve his goal, becomes disappointed, takes offense at life, at himself, at the Universe, which supposedly did not help him, and stops acting, which means he stops developing.

To prevent stagnation in development and not to reap a rich harvest of failures grown on grievances, I recommend the following:

  • stop expecting the model of behavior you need from those around you, some positive changes in your opinion right here and now, remember that the Universe operates according to the principle “No one owes anyone anything”;
  • if you have built some kind of desire in your head (to become rich, to become loved), move towards it very smoothly and carefully, do not waste time on unnecessary grievances (it didn’t work out today), but gradually resonate with this desire, demonstrating calmness, and not excessive interest (if I don’t get this, then I won’t be able to live straight).

Resentment is a consequence of pride. False self-exaltation makes a person perceive himself, his loved one, as a super-being: I am the most beautiful, I am the smartest, I am the most successful. And the Universe and other people perceive him as an ordinary person, the manager reprimands him for being late, like an ordinary employee, the girl he loves leaves him for another because she does not find anything interesting for herself in this person. The “super-being” does not understand why he, so ideal, is underestimated, and begins to protect himself and defend himself from the world with resentment.

But even the most infected person with vanity and resentment can transform his destructive emotions V creative energy. Everything gets better through sincere forgiveness. Forgive those around you, forgive everyone who is far or close, everyone who is alive and who is no longer alive, if they have offended you in some way. But most importantly, forgive yourself! According to the statistics that I have to keep when working with people, most of my clients harbor the most grievances against themselves: they could have done it, but they didn’t, they could have said it, but they kept silent; if I had acted differently then, everything would be different now. to another. Do not accumulate grievances, and if you have accumulated them, it is in your power to turn them into energy for development and personal growth. And it’s not too late at any age to say: “I was wrong, but I forgive myself and allow myself to achieve the goals that I deserve!”

October 10/23 – commemoration of the great elder of the 19th century, St. Ambrose of Optina (1812–1891). We publish an excerpt from the book published by the Sretensky Monastery: “Biography of the Optina Elder Hieroschemamonk Ambrose.”

His advice and instructions, which Elder Ambrose used to the souls of those who came to him in faith, he taught either often in a solitary conversation, or in general to everyone around him in the simplest, fragmentary and often humorous form. In general, it should be noted that the humorous tone of the elder’s edifying speech was his characteristic feature.

“How to live?” - the old man heard a general and very important question from all sides. As was his custom, he answered in a joking tone: “To live, don’t bother, don’t judge anyone, don’t annoy anyone, and my respect to everyone.” This tone of the elder’s speech often brought a smile to the lips of frivolous listeners. But if you delve more seriously into this instruction, then everyone will see a deep meaning in it. “Don’t push” - i.e. so that the heart is not carried away by the inevitable sorrows and failures for a person, heading towards the One Source of eternal sweetness - God; through which a person, in the face of countless and varied adversities, can calm himself down, putting up with them, or “resigning himself.” “Don’t judge”, “don’t annoy”. “There is nothing more common among people than condemnation and annoyance, these creatures of destructive pride.” They alone are enough to bring a person’s soul down to the bottom of hell, while for the most part they are not considered a sin. “My respect to everyone” - indicates the commandment of the apostle: warn each other in respect(Rom 12:10). Reducing all these thoughts to one general one, we see that in the above saying the elder preached mainly humility, this foundation of spiritual life, the source of all virtues, without which, according to the teachings of St. John Chrysostom, as mentioned before, it is impossible to be saved.

In response to the general question put to the elder: “How to live?” - sometimes he answered somewhat differently: “You need to live unhypocritically and behave exemplarily; then our cause will be right, otherwise it will turn out badly.”

“We must,” the elder said, “live on earth as a wheel turns: just one point touches the ground, and the rest must certainly strive upward; but as soon as we lie down on the ground, we can’t get up.”

“Our salvation must be made between fear and hope”

When asked how the righteous, knowing that they live well according to God’s commandments, are not exalted by their righteousness, the elder replied: “They do not know what the end awaits them.” “Therefore,” he added, “our salvation must be achieved between fear and hope. No one should give in to despair under any circumstances, but one should not hope too much.”

Question: is it possible to desire improvement in spiritual life? The elder’s answer: “You can not only wish, but you should also try to improve in humility, i.e. in considering oneself in the feeling of the heart worse and lower than all people and every creature.”

About patience: “When someone annoys you, never ask why or why. This is nowhere in Scripture. So, on the contrary, it is said: if someone hits you on the right side of the cheek, give him the other one too. It is actually inconvenient to hit the gum cheek, but this should be understood this way: if someone slanders you or innocently annoys you with something, this will mean hitting the gum cheek. Don’t complain, but bear this blow patiently, offering your left cheek, i.e. remembering your wrongdoings. And if, perhaps, you are now innocent, then before you sinned a lot; and thus you will be convinced that you are worthy of punishment.”

If any of the brethren, out of cowardice and impatience, grieved that he was not soon being presented to the mantle, or to the hierodeaconry and hieromonasticism, the elder used to say this for edification: “This, brother, everything will come in due time,” they will give everything; no one will give good deeds.”

“In order not to indulge in irritability and anger, one should not rush”

About irritability: “No one should justify their irritability by some illness - this comes from pride. And the anger of man, according to the word of the holy Apostle James, does not create God's righteousness(James 1:20). In order not to indulge in irritability and anger, one should not rush.”

Talking about envy and memory, the elder said: “You need to force yourself, albeit against your will, to do some good to your enemies; and the main thing is not to take revenge on them and to be careful so as not to somehow offend them with the appearance of contempt and humiliation.”

“Love, of course, is higher than everything. If you find that there is no love in you, but you want to have it, then do deeds of love, even if first without love. The Lord will see your desire and effort and put love in your heart.”

“Whoever has a bad heart should not despair, because with the help of God a person can correct his heart. You just need to carefully monitor yourself and not miss the opportunity to be useful to your neighbors, often open up to the elder and give alms within your power. This, of course, cannot be done suddenly, but the Lord is patient. He only ends a person’s life when he sees him ready for the transition to eternity or when he sees no hope for his correction.”

Elder Ambrose said about alms: “Saint Demetrius of Rostov writes: if a man on a horse comes to you and asks you, give it to him. How he uses your alms is not your responsibility.”

Also: “St. John Chrysostom says: start giving to the poor what you don’t need, what you have lying around; then you will be able to give more, even with deprivation of yourself, and finally you will be ready to give everything you have.”

When asked how to understand the words of Scripture: be wise as serpents(Matthew 10:16) - the elder explained: “A snake, when it needs to change its old skin for a new one, passes through a very tight, narrow place, and thus it is convenient for it to leave its old skin: so is a person, wanting to take off his dilapidation, must follow the narrow path of fulfilling the Gospel commandments. During any attack, the snake tries to protect its head. A person must protect his faith most of all. As long as faith is maintained, everything can still be corrected.”

“There is no excuse for atheists”

“I once told my father,” writes his spiritual daughter, “about one family that I feel very sorry for all of them - they don’t believe in anything, neither in God, nor in the future life; It’s a pity precisely because they, perhaps, are not to blame for this themselves, they were brought up in such unbelief or there were other reasons. Father shook his head and said angrily: “There is no excuse for atheists. After all, the Gospel is preached to everyone, to everyone, even to the pagans; finally, by nature, we are all from birth endowed with the feeling of knowing God; therefore, they themselves are to blame. Are you asking if it is possible to pray for such people? Of course, you can pray for everyone.” “Father! - I said after that. “After all, someone whose close relatives will suffer in hell cannot feel complete bliss in the future life?” And the priest said to this: “No, this feeling will no longer be there: then you will forget about everyone. It's just like taking an exam. When you go to an exam, it’s still scary and you’re filled with all sorts of thoughts, but when you came, you took a ticket (to answer), and you forgot about everything.”

Some gentleman came to the elder who did not believe in the existence of demons. The gentleman said: “Your will, father, I don’t even understand what kind of demons these are.” To this the elder replied: “After all, not everyone understands mathematics, but it exists.”

About laziness and despondency: “Boredom is the grandson of despondency, and laziness is the daughter. To drive her away, work hard in action, don’t be lazy in prayer; then boredom will pass and diligence will come. And if you add patience and humility to this, you will save yourself from many evils.”

About insensibility and fearlessness, regarding the sudden death of S., the priest said: “Death is not just around the corner, but behind us, and we can at least have a stake on our heads.”

“Death is not just around the corner, but behind us, but we can at least have a stake on our heads.”

He also said: “If at one end of the village they hang people, at the other end they will not stop sinning, saying: they will not reach us soon.”

He told the following about the power of repentance: “One kept sinning and repenting, and so on all his life. Finally he repented and died. An evil spirit came for his soul and said: he is mine. The Lord says: no, he repented. “But even though he repented, he sinned again,” the devil continued. Then the Lord said to him: “If you, being angry, accepted him again after he repented to Me, then how could I not accept him after he, having sinned, again turned to Me with repentance? You forget that you are evil and I am good.”

“It happens,” the priest said, “that although our sins are forgiven through repentance, our conscience still does not cease to reproach us. The late elder Father Macarius, for comparison, sometimes showed his finger, which had long ago been cut: the pain had long passed, but the scar remained. Likewise, even after the forgiveness of sins, scars remain, i.e. reproaches of conscience."

“Although the Lord forgives the sins of those who repent, every sin requires a cleansing punishment. For example, the Lord Himself said to a prudent thief: Today you will be with Me in Paradise(Luke 23:48); and meanwhile, after these words, they broke his legs; And what was it like to hang on the cross for three hours on only your hands, with broken shins? This means that he needed purifying suffering. For sinners who die immediately after repentance, the prayers of the Church and those praying for them serve as cleansing, and those who are still alive must themselves be cleansed by correcting their lives and by alms covering their sins.”

“God does not create the cross for man (i.e., cleansing mental and physical suffering). And no matter how heavy the cross that a person bears in life may be, the tree from which it is made always grows on the soil of his heart.” Pointing to his heart, the priest added: “ Tree at the outgoing of waters, - the waters (passions) are seething there.”

“When a person,” the elder said, “walks the straight path, there is no cross for him. But when he retreats from him and begins to rush in one direction or another, then different circumstances appear that push him back onto the straight path. These shocks constitute a cross for a person. They are, of course, different, depending on who needs which one.”

“Sometimes innocent suffering is sent to a person so that, following the example of Christ, he suffers for others. The Savior Himself first suffered for people. His apostles also suffered for the Church and for the people. To have perfect love means to suffer for your neighbors.”

The elder also said: “One brother asked another: who taught you the Jesus Prayer? And he answers: demons. - “How can that be?” “Yes, so: they bother me with sinful thoughts, but I did everything and said prayer, and I got used to it.”

One brother complained to the elder that during prayer there were many different thoughts. The elder said to this: “A man was driving through the market; there is a crowd of people around him, talk, noise, and he is all on his horse: but, but! but-but! - and so little by little he drove through the entire bazaar. So you too, no matter what your thoughts say, do all your work - pray!”

So that people would not remain careless and place all their hope on outside prayer help, the elder repeated the usual folk saying: “God help me, and the man himself doesn’t lie down.” And T. said: “Father! Through whom should we ask, if not through you?” The elder replied: “And ask yourself; Remember, the twelve apostles asked the Savior for a Canaanite wife, but He did not hear them; and she began to ask and begged.”

But since prayer is the most powerful weapon against the invisible enemy, he tries in every possible way to distract a person from it. The elder related the following story: “On Mount Athos, one monk had a talking starling, which the monk loved very much, being carried away by his conversations. But it’s strange: as soon as the monk begins to fulfill his prayer rule, the starling starts talking and does not allow the monk to pray. Once on the bright holiday of the Resurrection of Christ, a monk approached the cage and said: “Skvorushka, Christ is risen!” And the starling answers: “That’s our misfortune, that he has risen,” and immediately died, and an unbearable stench filled the monk’s cell. Then the monk realized his mistake and repented.”

That God most importantly looks at the inner prayerful mood of a person’s soul, the elder said about this: “Once upon a time a patient with his legs came to the above-mentioned Father Abbot Anthony and said: “Father, my legs hurt, I can’t bow down, and this is me.” It’s embarrassing.” Father Anthony answered him: “Yes, the Scripture says: Son, give me your heart, not legs."

“Why do people sin?” - the elder sometimes asked a question and solved it himself: “Either because they don’t know what to do and what to avoid, or if they know, they forget; if they don’t forget, they become lazy and despondent. On the contrary, since people are very lazy in matters of piety, they very often forget about their main duty - to serve God; from laziness and oblivion they reach extreme foolishness or ignorance. These are three giants - despondency or laziness, oblivion and ignorance - from which the entire human race is bound by insoluble bonds. And then comes negligence with all its host of evil passions. That is why we pray to the Queen of Heaven: My Most Holy Lady Theotokos, with Your holy and omnipotent prayers, drive away from me, Your humble and accursed servant, despondency, oblivion, foolishness, negligence and all the nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts...”

Each of us has a limit of mental comfort. And when we communicate with someone, we can remain within our border, or we can climb beyond our border into the border of another person, into his territory, into his space.

And when we do this, we begin to use “You-statements”: You are so..., You are so..., You are acting wrong..., You are saying the wrong things..., You, You, You, You...

And when our partner hears this number of You, he begins to defend himself. Surely everyone knows that the best defense is an attack. And our communication partner begins to attack us. He begins to creep into our territory. And it hurts us. And we want to give him even more pokes in order to return to him everything that he did to us, of course, with the traditional return. And in the end it turns out to be an ordinary daily kitchen battle, sometimes to first blood, sometimes to last, this is already customary in your family or work team.

What can be done to avoid this?

Go to “I-statements”

As an example. My wife poured borscht and poured too much of it. My husband would like to put sour cream in it, but if he puts it in, it will all spill out. What can you say on this topic?

For example, “You poured too much borscht” - this will be “You-statement”, the wife is to blame for pouring so much, You poured it - your problem.

Or you can say: “Darling, when there is so much borscht, I’m afraid to spill it!”, This will be an “I-statement.” I’m afraid - the problem is mine, it arose for me, it’s not your fault that you poured a lot, but I’m afraid, because this amount makes me afraid of spilling borscht, and this is a completely different approach, a completely different interaction, there is no aggression in it.

How can this situation be corrected?

We ask the following question: “Can I ask you to pour less borscht in the future?”, this is again an “I-statement.”

“Yes, you can,” says the wife.

- Please pour less next time, I will be pleased.

“Okay,” says the wife.

How to implement the “I Statement” into your life?

You can use the “4-step I-statement” technique, which is recommended to be used in communication for support or confrontation with a partner, as well as in conflict situations.

The structure of the technique consists of 4 steps:

Feeling (I’m not pleased (pleased) ...)
Fact (what (when) ...)
Desire (and I would like...)
Consequences (and then...)

An example of using a technique for confrontation: I get angry when people don't keep their promises. And I would like you to keep your promises. And then our relationship will be warmer.

An example of using a technique for support: I'm glad you came on time. I wanted to see you quickly. And now we can talk.

The technique helps to express feelings, associate them with desires and anticipate consequences.

You can agree with a person with whom you do not have a very good, strained relationship that you will use “I statements” together. And every time you lash out at the “You-statement,” make some conventional gesture, or use the word “Stop,” let’s go back to the “I-statement,” I want this, I do this. Your partner does the same. And after 3 days you will see the first positive results, over time, you will transfer your environment from combat to one of love, understanding, acceptance and friendship.