Mikhail Labkovsky: “Leave the child alone, let him be himself. Mikhail Labkovsky about the competent upbringing of children Mikhail Labkovsky son

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You can raise happy children only by being happy, the famous Russian psychologist with 30 years of experience, Mikhail Labkovsky, is sure. He was a school psychologist in Moscow, working with families and troubled teenagers in Jerusalem, wrote a book, and now conducts individual and public consultations, appears on his own television and radio programs.

We are in website We listened to Mikhail’s lectures and broadcasts, and we were interested in his approach to pedagogy.

Children, like the rest of the animal kingdom, are raised by analogy. That is, when you sit a child opposite you and reproduce the famous lines “The little son has come to his father,” the child at that moment does not perceive anything at all. You are stupidly wasting your time. And when you quarrel with your wife or husband, sort things out with your mother-in-law, drink with friends at the dacha, at that moment the child perceives the world around us.
Your actions, actions, communication, family environment, character shape the psyche of your child. And whether he is happy or not depends on what you do with your head. Being unhappy people, you will never be able to build a relationship with your child in such a way that he is happy.
For a child to want to set goals and achieve them, he needs parents who happily run to work, happily run home from work, and rest even better, and everything is fine with them. And when everything is dull at home, you can set goals for your child as much as you want - it’s all empty.

A child, like oneself, must be loved simply for the fact that he was born and exists. And all these ambitions, demands, discontent are signs of dissatisfaction with oneself, one’s own unsatisfied ambitions.
A child should have pocket money from the age of 6. Not large amounts, but regularly issued amounts that he manages himself. There is no need to control what the child spends it on and make the amount of tranches dependent on his academic performance and behavior.
When a second, third, fifth child is born in your family, do not tell the elders that they are already adults. Do not let them understand, either by behavior or words, that “you are already big.” Firstly, although he is the eldest, he still remains small in relation to his parents, and this is the only normal position. And secondly, children perceive all these stories about “you are now the elder” as a sign that they no longer love him or love him less.

How to build trusting relationships?

If parents know everything about the child at any given time: who he talks to on the phone, what time he has lunch, when he finishes doing homework (and at the same time check these lessons!), it seems to them that the situation is under control. But in fact, the more the parents control the child, the further the situation is from their control: he grows up, subject to the influence of others, and anyone can persuade him anywhere. Why? Yes, because the child does not have his own opinion: he has always been controlled.
From the moment he sits at the same table with his parents, you need to ask what he wants to eat, and not pour soup into his plate, because “that’s how we do it.” Take his opinion into account in everything: “Do you want this? Don't you want to? What do you think about this? How do you feel about this? The child must be aware of the importance of his opinion from the very beginning.
Fear makes you lie and hide. After all, a child who was never afraid of his parents and the consequences of his behavior, since he was given the opportunity to evaluate and decide what he himself thinks about it, will not lie. He doesn't even have that kind of experience. Please note: young children do not lie, they begin to do this as they get older because they are forced to, fearing unpleasant consequences!

How to raise sons for single mothers?

No need to take it upon yourself father's role, although many women strive in this way to compensate for the absence of a dad due to supposedly masculine rigidity, firmness, and masculinity. Then the child may begin to be afraid of all women.
If the father does not communicate with his son, explain that dad still loves him. Don't speak negatively about your father. Otherwise the child will have a conflict with himself because he identifies himself with his father.

How to approach your child's education?

There is no need to do homework with your child. So he will grow up dependent. School exists to teach children independence.
Your child should have at least a couple of free hours a day. At this time, he does not go to any sections or clubs, and does not do his homework. By spending time alone with himself, he will learn to be not boring to himself.

Excellent students are all anxious perfectionists. They are usually under pressure. They are masochists already in the 5th grade. A healthy girl cannot be an excellent student, just like a boy. Due to anxiety, they force it out of themselves.

The child's talents do not need to be developed. Let's say a girl likes to dance. She is sent to the dance section. From then on, she begins to hate dancing, because they don’t dance in the section - they learn the movements there. If the child wants it himself, this is not discussed; of course, he must be supported. But if his parents see his abilities and try to squeeze something out of it, I’m against it.

How to punish correctly?

Some parents let off steam when they hit their child. There is no need to restrain yourself. Then you will explode anyway, but you will secretly hate children. We need to get rid of the root cause - aggression.
There is no physical punishment. There is physical violence. And period.
When talking to your child, talk not about how bad he is, but about how you feel. You need to tell him not “you are bad”, but “you did something bad”. It is as if the child should remain on the sidelines; only the action is discussed.
You can break a child at any age, and this can be done in an elementary way. And then they wonder why the child grew up lacking initiative and spineless.
It is necessary to clearly separate the child and his actions. If a child messes up, the main thing at this moment is not to turn into a fury, not to yell about how “everyone’s children are like children” and that your child will grow up to be a zero without a stick. Approach the child without the slightest aggression. Smiling, hug him and say: “I love you very much, but you won’t get a tablet for a week.” But yelling, insulting, being offended and not talking - this is not necessary. The child is punished by taking away gadgets.

Do you agree with Labkovsky’s opinion on raising children? What principles do you follow in raising children?

What to do if the child does not want to hear the parents' requests?

Firstly, according to my rules, you should not speak more than once. Secondly, the child’s psyche is structured in such a way that the child may not really hear the first time, so you need to make sure that he hears. If he didn’t wash the dishes as you asked, then in the morning he gets breakfast on a dirty plate. If you are too lazy to brush your teeth, we take away your phone or computer without raising your voice. By the way, some adults may also not hear the first time: the myelin sheath responsible for this, which envelops the nerve fibers, is formed by the age of 30.

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About lies

The child often lies. How to deal with this?

First of all, you need to identify the reason why he answers the question untruthfully. Children's lies have three of them: fear, profit and unmotivated lies, when children make up something that did not happen. Once you determine the reason why your child is doing this, you can eliminate it. Then your son or daughter will stop being afraid of you. Or it will become unprofitable for him to deceive you. If you can’t find the reason yourself, I recommend contacting child psychologist.

About studying

The son said that he was not interested in studying at school, and now he has completely slipped into bad grades and is in danger of not being certified. How to influence this situation?

If a child fails, your task is, first of all, to take him to a child psychologist and find out why he does not want to study. If the specialist determines that everything is fine, leave him alone. Forget about motivation, intelligent conversations, restrictions - it's useless. Let non-certification be a matter of his choice, let him stay for a second year. I’m sure he won’t want to fall like that, and the child will begin to learn on his own. And it will float out due to the fact that there is nowhere to go. You can also suggest not going to school, but instead switching to home schooling or an external education system. And be sure to inform that according to the law of the Russian Federation, every citizen is obliged to receive an education, otherwise he will have to pay a fine.

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About money

Should a child have pocket money and how much?

From the age of six, children should have pocket money that is not “tied” to either behavior or grades at school. From this age, the child gradually learns to manage money. The amount should be symbolic so that you can buy some small things, at most a kinder surprise. If he wants to buy something that costs more than the money you give per week, he will start saving. In this way, the child grows up, forms his desires and notices that you take him into account. There may be exceptions only if you notice cigarettes or alcohol - then no pocket money.

About rivalry

The husband is often dissatisfied with his son, constantly makes comments, raises his voice, but does not behave this way with his daughter. How to explain that he is wrong?

My answer is this: If you tell your spouse the truth, he won't understand. According to the psychoanalysis of Sigmund Freud, the husband is jealous of his son towards his wife. Once at a reception, a woman told the following situation: “The three of us are sitting on the sofa, with my husband and three-year-old son, watching TV. And then I notice that he is slowly moving towards the child and slowly pushing him off the sofa. When the child ends up on the floor and screams, I understand that my husband did it on purpose.” This behavior of a man is explained by the fact that the younger generation steps on their toes, thereby causing wild irritation. That is, in the father’s subconscious, the son is a growing competitor, while the man does not suspect it. In this case, you need to say: “If you love your son, accept him for who he is, despite his poor studies, bad habits and strange behavior."

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About conflicts

We constantly quarrel, and often the child is present during the scandals. Should I try to save my family?

The idea that one must preserve the family for the sake of the children is not always correct. Whether you can pull this “strap” is up to you, but the child will definitely not benefit from watching scandals and fights between mom and dad. Divorce, of course, is a psychological trauma for a child; he may even feel guilty in this situation, such is his psyche. Therefore, parents together must tell the child that he is not to blame for anything, these are adult problems and you will still love him, you will just live separately. There is no need to be a hostage to children in order to avoid further unhealthy relationships with them, because then this kind of reproach may begin: “Yes, I’m mine for you.” best years I gave my life, and you at least called your mother!”

About health

The child is diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder - editor's note). Do I need to help him with his studies and monitor his progress?

No, neither one nor the other is needed. The child needs to be treated, and abroad: in Russia there are no specialists in this area, and some drugs that successfully treat ADHD all over the world are prohibited. It’s not worth wasting time and money on local specialists, half of whom don’t even consider this to be a diagnosis. The disease is 25 years old and affects 25 percent of children worldwide. Fortunately, it is very successfully treated. You can find a child psychoneurologist who will prescribe a course of treatment, and the question of help will be closed - the child will cope with his studies on his own.

But the thing is that an ideal childhood can only be ensured mentally healthy parents. Only this way, and no other way. In order for a child to grow up happy and for love to be a bright and joyful feeling for him, parents must give this love from the cradle.

Here, of course, we can make a lyrical digression on the topic of the fact that we all understand love very differently. For some, these are actions and actions, for others - warm, gentle relationships, care and attention. But what is more important is that love as an emotion that we experience for someone is an absolutely childish feeling. This is what we felt when we were children. Looking for love means looking for those experiences, trying to repeat them, reproduce them, subconsciously find yourself in childhood again.

Let's take a prosperous family. One where the child was continually kissed on the ass, carried in their arms, and adored by all family members without exception. Growing up, this is only what he will look for when choosing a partner.

But, as we all understand, this is not the case for everyone. Many are already in early childhood felt abandoned, unwanted, abandoned, unloved. There could be many reasons for this: one was sent to a boarding school, the other to kindergarten for a five-day stay, the third was sent to another city to visit his grandmother (the mother came once a month, and the child cried - he loved his mother so much, but was terribly worried that she was leaving him).

Another, no less common scenario: after a divorce, the father does not come to the child, lives his own life, not at all interested in the life of his daughter. The girl missed her father, but also suffered from the fact that he did not need her. For her, this is love - do you feel what I’m getting at? To the point that she will look for a person who will give her this suffering: he will abandon her, forget her and neglect her. For her THIS is love. And only such relationships will be perceived by her as serious.

So we all have the concept of love a priori, from birth, but its formation is directly influenced by the actions of our parents. Either the child rejoices and is happy - or he suffers, is afraid, worries. And a person hunts for this bouquet of emotions familiar from childhood all his life.

This is why it is so difficult for us to agree on what love is - everyone has a different understanding, different starting points, different experiences.

Thousands of people read me. They are all different. Among them there are not only neurotics, but also people who are not completely mentally healthy. There is no need to wait for ready-made universal solutions. They simply don't exist. If a person serious problems, he cannot change like that right away, just by reading the article to the end.

Let's say you are an aggressive parent. Yell at your child and regularly raise your hand to him. So what, you’ll finish reading the column and think: after all, the psychologist says, there’s probably no need to spank the baby? It’s not necessary, of course, but you can’t do it any other way. The more you restrain yourself, the more aggression there will be.

There is only one way to change this scenario - fix your head. Only by getting rid of your childhood story about unhappy love can you become a prosperous, cheerful mother. And not the one who doesn’t live, but survives, brings different men and can’t make up his mind, or is looking for a macho father who runs around the apartment with a belt and tries to “raise a normal man” (but in fact raises a downtrodden neurotic).

When you pull yourself together, go to a psychologist (or a psychiatrist - depending on the severity of your case) and deal with your unhealthy psyche, you can safely stop reading my articles. You will not need any advice or psychologists - everything will work out for you.

Why? But because you will finally become a normal person: predictable, with a stable psyche, without complexes, and in control of your emotions. And then the child - lo and behold! - will grow up completely normal and healthy.

But for now, most parents, unfortunately, believe that everything is fine with them, but “something needs to be done urgently” with the child...

The next public consultation by Mikhail Labkovsky on the topic “Parents & children: sending them to kindergarten, surviving school, letting them go into life” will be held

The now popular psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky also brings a weighty word to the eternal debates about raising children. How to make children happy?

A happy child can only be raised by a happy parent.

No amount of techniques, reading smart books, or “wise” behavior will help parents raise their son or daughter psychologically healthy and happy if the parents themselves are in a neurotic relationship. Therefore, first of all, you should start with yourself. Look at yourself from the outside: do you see a calm, happy mother (the same goes for fathers)?

If not, sit down and think about what’s wrong with you personally and with your family relationships. This is primary. General psychological state All family members are very well read by children. If the mother experiences constant anxiety and uncertainty, the child begins to experience the same thing himself.

Cheerful happy child can only grow up with psychologically healthy parents.

It is already much more difficult to deal with parents. Their neuroses often stem from their childhood, adolescence and more. But if you follow a few rules, you can improve your life and, accordingly, the lives of your children.

Children don't need our sacrifices

For example, many parents often treat their children with a fair amount of sacrifice. Mom comes home tired from work, and her son or daughter asks to play with him. Mom overcomes herself and agrees. There is no need to do this.

Firstly, the baby sees and feels this tension, it does not bring him that. Secondly, mom should tell him so directly that she is tired and it is better to play tomorrow, when she is rested. The child will understand this. Here you kill two birds with one stone - you don’t torture yourself with sacrifice and instill respect for you.

In general, parents should not devote their lives to their children. They should have their own life. A child should join this life, and not be its meaning. This will save you from many kinks. For example, from the reproaches of parents: “I dedicated my whole life to you. And you are ungrateful...” And from fair answers: “I didn’t ask to give birth to me”

Keep your hands off the children. No spanking or slapping

On the issue of physical punishment of children, psychologist Labkovsky takes a sharply negative position and says that in Israel, for example, a parent pays for punishing a child by being ordered to live in another city for a year. For a repeated case - prison for 7 years.

In almost all European countries, corporal punishment in raising children is prohibited by law. There, in general, this is not considered a spanking or slap in the face, but is considered a criminal offense against a minor.

Any physical violence traumatizes the psyche of a little person. Those who are stronger become aggressive themselves as they grow up. Those who are weaker become downtrodden and broken. They have pathologically low self-esteem, victim consciousness, they constantly apologize to everyone and feel guilty about everything. Both of them in adulthood are drawn to partners prone to aggression; this is inherent in them at the subconscious level.

This situation is familiar to them and does not seem terrible. This is especially noticeable in girls. God forbid, the girl was beaten by her father - in adulthood she will intuitively choose aggressive partners for life.

Therefore, it is much more important that children are never present during conflicts in the family. Labkovsky is ready to admit that if it is impossible to maintain a healthy climate in the family, divorce is preferable.

A child is a separate person

Another piece of advice from psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is not to put pressure on children with your ambitions and hopes and let them understand on their own who they are and what they want.

For example, many parents force their children to forcibly attend various sections and clubs, thus taking up all the available free time from school. Whereas a child should have at least two hours of “doing nothing” a day. This time is necessary, firstly, for a break from studying, and secondly, to reflect, think, dream, and give freedom to one’s own desires.

You cannot do anything against the will of the child. The desire to fulfill one’s failed dreams on children sometimes leads to tragedies and certainly to neuroses. Understand that a child is not your appendage, it is a separate personality. And this person may have his own characteristics and preferences.

Overprotection

Labkovsky also admits that the country has a big problem with maternal overprotection. Active mothers, almost until adulthood, do not allow their offspring to make decisions and do everything for them. Because “he (or she) will do something bad.”

Labkovsky strongly recommends that parents get rid of this addiction. In modern psychology, all norms of behavior are described, according to any childhood. For example, at five years old, a child is quite capable of dressing himself and tying his shoelaces. From 8-9 years old he can vacuum and wash dishes. We need to give him this opportunity. Not with a whip in hand. Captivate, interest.

Parents often believe that they know better what their offspring needs. They prohibit what he wants to do and force him to do what is not interesting to him. This is the source of neurosis. We often hear from parents: “You never know what you want,” “There is such a word - you have to.”

If you look at European countries, then no one will be surprised if a four-year-old child jumps in a puddle. This will cause us to shout: “Stop it!”

That’s why our children grow up intimidated, their eyes don’t light up. They constantly look around and get scared.

Even something as small as buying clothes should give little man the opportunity to be free. Start with this at least. Let him choose what he likes in the store, even if it is the most ridiculous thing that was in the store.

You just need to love your child. Anyone!

In conclusion, Labkovsky asks all parents to realize that children are loved just like that, without any conditions. Just because they have a child! And all signs of dissatisfaction with your son or daughter are signs of dissatisfaction with yourself.

So, sort out your own head first - that’s what Labkovsky calls for.

“And don’t forget my 6 rules, because they apply to children too!”

Do what you like
Don't do what you don't like
Talk about what you don't like IMMEDIATELY
Answer only the question
Don't answer when not asked
When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself

These 20 quotes from the famous Russian psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky will tell you how to raise children and how to build good, trusting relationships with them.

Lectures on raising children, advice from psychologists and teachers about relationships in the family are effective and make sense only if the parents themselves are psychologically well or at least stable.
Being unhappy people, you will never be able to build a relationship with your child in such a way that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then there is no need to do anything special.
Many people believe that they, the parents, are fine, and only their children have problems. And they are surprised when two completely different people grow up in one family. different baby: one is self-confident, successful, “an excellent student in combat and politics,” and the other is a notorious loser, always whining or aggressive. But this means that the children felt differently in the family, and some of them did not have enough attention. Someone was more sensitive and needed more love, but the parents did not notice this.
Making sure that the child is dressed, shod and fed is caring, not education. Unfortunately, many parents believe that care is enough.
The way you treat a child in his childhood is how he will treat you in your old age.
When your child is born, you consider it a miracle, you are happy that you became parents, you do everything to make the child feel good, you enjoy communicating with him, you admire every little thing... But then he turns 6 or 7 years old, and something comes between you and the child. school. It’s as if a military commissar comes into the house and yanks the child out of the family. But what exactly is so terrible happening? Well, he needs to go to school, gain knowledge to the best of his ability, communicate, and grow up. Why allow this natural process to separate you? School is smaller than life and needs to be taken beyond the scope of your relationship with your child.
School should teach not so much mathematics and literature, but life itself. From school it is important to gain not so much theoretical knowledge as practical skills: the ability to communicate, build relationships, take responsibility for yourself - your words and actions, solve your problems, negotiate, manage your time... It is these skills that help you feel confident in adulthood and earn money for a living.
Excessive child distress due to bad grades- this is only a mirror of the reaction of adults. If parents calmly react to a bad grade or failure in sports, to some other failures, if the parents smile and say: “My dear, don’t be upset,” then the child is calm, stable, will definitely improve in his studies and find a job where he can everything works out.
If in elementary school your child cannot cope with the program, if you have to sit with your child for a long time over lessons, the problem is not in the child, but in the school, gymnasium, lyceum. These institutions operate solely on the ambitions of parents and do not care about children, but about their own prestige and the cost of their services. More difficult does not mean better! The child should not overwork, try to catch up with the program compiled by teachers, who constantly need the help of parents, tutors, the Internet, etc. In first grade for preparation homework should take from 15 to 45 minutes. Otherwise, you won't be able to stand it all for long.
Punishing children is possible and sometimes even necessary. But you need to clearly separate the child and his actions. For example, you agreed in advance that before you come home from work, he will do his homework, eat and clean up after himself. And then you come home and see a picture: a pot of soup stands untouched, textbooks have clearly not been opened, some pieces of paper are lying on the carpet, and the child is sitting with his nose in a tablet. The main thing at this moment is not to turn into a fury, not to yell that a zero without a wand will grow out of him. Without the slightest aggression, you approach the child. Smiling, hug him and say: “I love you very much, but you won’t get a tablet anymore.” You can also issue a Nokia flashlight type phone. Without any Internet. But yelling, insulting, being offended and not talking - this is not necessary.
A child should have pocket money from the age of 6. Not large sums, but regularly issued, which he manages himself. And it is very important that money does not become a tool for manipulation. There is no need to control what the child spends it on and make the amount of tranches dependent on his academic performance and behavior.
There is no need to live their lives for children, decide what they should do and what not, solve their problems for them, put pressure on them with your ambitions, expectations, instructions. Once you get old, how will they live?
All over the world, only the smartest and richest go to university. The rest go to work, look for themselves and earn money for higher education. What do we have?
If a child is constantly being looked after, he does not know what it means to be responsible for his actions, he remains infantile and susceptible to any opportunity to break the ban. The child must be sure that the family loves him, respects him, takes him into account and TRUSTS him. In this case, he will not contact “ bad company"and will avoid many temptations that peers with a tense family situation cannot resist.
The mess in a teenager's room corresponds to his inner state. This is how the chaos in his spiritual world is expressed outwardly. It’s also good if he washes himself... You can only demand to “put things in order” if the child’s things are lying outside his room.
Educating does not mean explaining how to live. It doesn't work. Children develop only by analogy. What is possible and what is not, what should be done and what should not be done, children understand not from the words of their parents, but exclusively from their actions. Simply put, if a father says that drinking is harmful, but he himself “does not dry out,” there is a good chance that his son will become an alcoholic. This is the most striking example, but children catch and adopt more subtle things no less sensitively.
You need to talk to children about life in general, and not about how to live. If a parent can only talk to a child about problems, he has a problem.
If a child tries to manipulate adults, he simply has neurosis. And we must look for its cause. Healthy people do not manipulate - they solve their problems by acting straightforwardly.
When talking with a child, do not criticize him, do not touch his personality, do not go beyond the analysis of his actions. Talk not about him, but about yourself. Not “you are bad”, but “I think you did something bad.” Use wording: “I don’t like it when you...”, “I would like it if...”. Less criticism, more constructive and positive.
The child should feel that parents are kind but strong people. Who can protect him, who can deny him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.