The female navigators are all wonderful, each one better than the other. The one with bombs, this one with hematogens, the third with something else.
But the male navigators are also very good.
Do you know why they are so wonderful and their letters are so fun to read? Because this is a one-man show. They conduct dialogues in their heads, think through plans, create entire pictures, cinematic, full of complexity and meaning. And the second one (the chosen one) at this time remains completely indifferent or he has his own story, which the navigator does not even bother to notice.
undercover_man
Hello, dear Evolution!
Thank you for your work and invaluable blog materials and book. Thanks to what I learned, I changed for the better, and I don’t know how quickly and whether it would have happened without you.
A year ago, I was an unhappy, stooped person with a downtrodden look. I went to the gym, gained several kilograms of lean muscle, straightened my posture, started taking care of my image, and I feel like I’m moving in the right direction with this resource. Just a month ago, I just wanted to write to you to thank you, but now I find myself in an unexpected and difficult situation for myself and I ask for your help.
I'm about 30, I live in Kazan. I have a beautiful 6-year-old daughter who is entering second grade. I am currently in the process of divorce. I seem to have managed to build a relationship with my wife that allows us both to help the child and act together for his benefit, without quarreling to pieces. So far it’s working.
I was going to raise a child, take care of my image, and work on myself in terms of my profession.
And then I fell in love. Fell in love deeply. (And how can you not fall in love while pumping up your image? You begin to sympathize with women with great health, with whom it is impossible not to fall in love. A healthy and young man so as not to fall in love with a woman with a higher HP than before who sympathizes with him)
Everything would be fine, but there is a nuance.
I fell in love with the wife of a friend with whom we graduated from high school, college, and, like icing on the cake, whose wedding I witnessed just last summer. I always liked her, but you never know who likes her, it was always taboo, and I was married and didn’t think about anything like that.
Some time ago, we accidentally crossed paths. I felt sympathy on her part, and I remembered my old emotions. She carefully began to talk about the emotional sphere, feelings, and it seemed to me that there was something more than just sympathy on her part. And at the same time, I felt that I was flaring up.
A week later, I confessed my love to her. Having said that I understand how fast and crazy it can look for her, but also saying that if I had any doubts, I would never have said it. (Male navigators, why don’t you read Yesenin? He understood love as well as Pushkin. “They don’t talk about love in words, they only sigh about love furtively and their eyes burn like yachts” and “You are mine - they can only say hands that tore off the black veil." That is, you can talk about love, of course, but where are the eyes like yachts and the hands that tear off the veil? This is primary. You can’t translate all emotions into chatter, especially in tiresome showdowns and dull conversations? Where is the spontaneity? )
The next day she confessed her love, but I said that I didn’t want her to be pressured by my words and feelings, and I didn’t want her to say anything under pressure, because I felt that somewhere there, in my words there were small tongs. (There’s a whole lot of fuss here. The girl confessed her love, and he became boring and read morals to her. Positive reinforcement is for everything good! - The main rule of relationships)
It seems he calibrated correctly, because a day later, she admitted great sympathy and admiration. That is, I took my words back. Ok, I was glad that there seemed to be no crown and I saw everything correctly. After all, I still had her sympathy, a craving for me, and that’s already something. (Sits and thinks, boring)
The fact that her husband was my best friend was killing me. I had to solve this dilemma for myself because there was no going back after I let go of the feelings. Of course, I will no longer be able to be friends with him, and I told her that out of the two of them I chose her, and I would choose her 1000 more times. He said that I would resolve issues of my status and raise my HP so that I could offer her something worthy. My HP in economics is inferior to his. It’s not critical, but considering the inertia I need to overcome, better HP or a huge SP in her eyes will help me. Ideally, both. (That is, he decided to go and pump up resources in order to someday offer her something. When she gives birth to two children from a friend or finds herself another lover)
I also explained that all this is very serious for me, I want a family and children, it is important for me that she does not lose other resources - parental approval, friends. (Here the navigator gave her a stern suggestion that when they get married and have children, she should do this and that, this and that. He pushed the lecture back for an hour and a half)
I didn’t just talk, I said what I thought and felt. (Oh, well then, yes. Your thoughts and feelings are a real treasure)
After another week, I felt that the dynamics on her part were cooling down and decided to let her go, but apparently I spoke very confusedly, and besides, I saw that she was almost crying. She asked if we'd see each other tomorrow in response to my rambling speech, and I couldn't say no. Apparently my hungry mouth did its best. (That is, should you have refused her harshly? No, it’s clear that jerking off is more pleasant, but if she doesn’t want to know you anymore, what will you jerk off to?)
From that time on, it became very difficult for me to fight my disadvantage and switch, so as not to completely get stuck and become disgusted with all the running around and stickiness. On the other hand, I don’t want to seem frostbitten, I want to show the ardor that I have. Difficult. (It's hard to show passion when you're such a bore)
I am aware of my disadvantage, it is difficult for me to fight it, although I distract myself as much as I can so that it does not become ugly. Until recently, I felt a disadvantage for her too. It might be smaller, but it was there. (But after your notations and lectures it decreased, right?)
However, now I feel differently. She directly says that if I offered her a choice now (if I had the opportunity), she would refuse. Because although we are all secular, society is conservative; my friend loves her and only a year has passed since the wedding; It’s unlikely that the default (or the imbalance with its plus) is so severe, I understand that for now, objectively, I can only hang on my ears, because the issues that I resolve are not done in one day.
She talks about possible future plans, but purely hypothetically and in terms of how terrible it would be and how upsetting her life would be. (For some reason she liked you and she wanted you first. I don’t know what attracted her to you. Maybe it’s true that your image was well pumped up, maybe she saw sincerity in you, maybe she imagined passion, maybe she’s tired of your husband. But you They negotiated about the future for so long and edified that she certainly cooled down and realized that changing a boring husband for an even more boring friend is stupid)
She is a clean, decent person, I understand her arguments, but I am not sure what is more there, my “correct vision” or my crown. If I could offer her something right now, and heard such an answer, I would leave, but I have nothing to offer now, and agreeing to something unknown (if I were so crazy that I would offer something unknown) would be simply stupid. (Do you have a dick? You should have offered her a dick at least, to begin with. She wanted it. But now it’s too late, probably. We missed the moment)
At the same time, as soon as I move away, she gets bored and calls me. And this is the most difficult thing, because every step on her part, I just jump and do 20. Although, now I seem to be able to calm it down, distract myself and not do that. (So she’s only interested in you because of your jumping ability. But she’ll soon get tired of it, because there’s no passion or pleasure behind it for her, and she’s already fed up her self-esteem a little)
I feel important to her. But I also feel how she is being torn between duty, fear and feelings, and I understand that, probably, such vacillation is not in my favor, the system will try to return to balance, and I don’t weigh enough for it to sway towards me. (It’s interesting how the navigators imagine the beginning of a romance. So they discussed everything, agreed, planned for the future. A year later - a control meeting and you can start intimate life. Or first get a divorce and go to the registry office, and then the first kiss?)
One day, we were talking, and she said that sometimes it seems to her that I am so good, and I need to date someone else, free. In response to my declarations of love. I was so disappointed and dumbfounded that I simply closed the phone. I didn’t write or answer anything. And she began to write almost all day and all night, asking for forgiveness, saying that she felt bad. I understand that I ended up with something like a spade. I didn’t think about it then, but was simply devastated and offended, and felt unnecessary. Seeing how she was suffering, I answered in the morning, maybe I should have waited, but I couldn’t watch her kill herself, I couldn’t wait coldly. (Well, yes, she turned you off, you understood correctly. You were rightly offended, and she reacted by raising your SZ to the peak. But it was unnecessary to wait coldly, you are already cold)
In any case, I saw a surge of tenderness on her part; she wrote so many things that she had almost never written before. By the evening of the same day, I felt that it was cooling down again, this effect was passing. In the evening, I said that I couldn’t see how bad she was, that I would have left, but returned because I love her and can’t live without her. If she had remained silent, he would not have returned. The next day, there was nothing from her compared to the previous day. I felt like I said too much, I was disappointed. (Of course we disappointed you. Why did you begin to emphasize how bad she felt and indicate your pity? She thought that you felt bad, that you were offended, and you reassure her that you would come back, as if she was suffering for you. The navigators are all time they forget who the initiator is, they periodically feel like they are being taken by storm)
On the one hand, I am needed, it’s boring without me, but on the other hand, they don’t like me. Or they love but don’t say . It doesn’t happen that way, I understand. I don’t think a loving person can help but say this. He will tell you. As I say. And she herself says that she needs time to fall in love, but even having fallen in love, she doesn’t know what she will do. And from other indirect phrases, I understand that she herself does not know why she is communicating with me, because for her the option of changing the status quo is unacceptable. (It feels like you are not a guy from the 21st century, but a young lady from the 19th)
I love her. I understand that I cannot make a person love me. It is in my power to create conditions when my HP will be higher, and to increase the sympathy and attraction towards me that exists now. (Well, yes, you can do that. Raise your HP, and in a few years resume correspondence. There was more shortcut: to catch the moment when a girl confesses her sympathy, and at first even her love, drag her on a date, give her champagne and kiss her. And then develop the romance and propose a serious relationship. But you didn't go this route)
But I don’t know how to do this and what I can do.
Help, please, Evolution! (Baby, how can I help? Well, try to meet her and hold her to your heart. Maybe the frequent beats of the heart and the hot trembling of the hands will return to her that spontaneous feeling that first arose in her? Just not a single notation! In general, be silent better, say something simple, like “I love you, I want you, I’ll do whatever you want for you,” and act)
Thank you again,
Hello, dear Tatyana Vasilievna.
Now I feel very bad, I am away from my still beloved husband, the father of my children.
Just recently, on February 24, I heard my husband say that he doesn’t love me. Before that, I just suspected that something was wrong. He loved meeting with friends, always talking with whom and where. Just in New Year, celebrating the holiday with friends (at best friend my husband and his wife, we communicated very well) I noticed that she was feeding my husband with a fork, everyone was already well drunk, it was unpleasant, I was the most sober, as I was breastfeeding my son, then he sat on the balcony with her nearby, either talking or asking, I tried not to attach any importance to it.
A week after the celebration, my husband was at sea, I called her, but I felt that she didn’t want to talk to me, we exchanged a few phrases and said goodbye. Another week passed, I called, she again didn’t seem to want to talk, we said goodbye.
Then it was my daughter’s birthday, she called, congratulated me as if nothing had happened, and we chatted.
I kept noticing that not everything was going well with my husband, so I started prying - I fell out of love, found someone else, cheated... In the end I waited for an answer, but not to my face, I got it, in the end he told me to my face that doesn’t love me anymore, I ask: has he found someone else, he says no, he just stopped loving you. It was painful, but what can you do? I started getting ready to visit my mother and bought tickets. I managed to get into his phone, there I found answers to my questions, he confessed his love to his best friend’s wife. I compared all his absences and it was like a mosaic formed in my head.
On the day when I got into his phone, he came in the morning, went to the bath, then I looked, excuse me, of course, his panties were on inside out, I asked where he was, he said in the bathhouse with friends and went to bed, and I time took his hundred.
In general, he didn’t really sleep, I started asking if he loved her, he answered yes. At that moment I called her, asked how she was with my husband, she had no time, she said she would call back. All this happened quite calmly, without breaking dishes, although I started to kick him out, told him to go and sleep with her, threw a hundred at his head, he was angry, but restrained himself. Then I called her husband and told her about the messages, at that moment he was just silent, and my husband told me, don’t disgrace yourself.
On the same day, my husband was getting ready to leave for sea, before that her husband called and asked me how to live next, I said, come, get a beer.
Before leaving, my husband went to her, picked up his best friend and brought him to our home, since he was already drunk.
That day she called, sent me to three cheerful ones and said that both her husband and mine loved her.
My husband’s best friend and I were drinking beer, thinking about what we should do, I insisted that I wouldn’t tolerate this, I would get a divorce, and he said that everything would work out. This is the second time in his life, before that his wife dated an unmarried man, he forgave her. My husband left for work that day. We drank beer and talked for three hours, didn’t decide anything, thought to annoy them, also start texting, writing SMS, confessing our love, to which he told me that he couldn’t do that, although he had liked me for a long time. Having drunk beer, we were going to buy more, he then told me, if I drink more, I’ll pester you, to which I replied, “I can’t do that.” He left. I put the children to bed and went to bed myself, he called and asked if you were still waiting for me, I said no.
That night I called my husband, told him everything, asked him to come to his senses, at least for the sake of the children, said that I would do everything, as long as it would be good for us, gave him time to think about it before his arrival (either with me or a divorce), said that I’m ready to forgive for the first time, I won’t go anywhere, I’ll return the tickets. He asked for forgiveness and said that he would like everything to work out for us. I also told him that I was afraid that she would call him and he would again begin to think differently, completely differently than after talking to me.
In the morning, my husband called himself and said that he tried to ask for forgiveness from his best friend on the phone, but he did not listen, and again asked for forgiveness from me.
I reassured myself, waited for him, he was gone for 9 days, cut my hair, cooked dinner, took vodka, didn’t bother asking him, although all this was very difficult. Knowing him, there were 3 options: either with her, or with me, or with none of us.
He arrived, came up to him, hugged him, called the children, went to wash (at this time a message from her arrived on his cell phone - hello, how are you). I restrained myself, gave him the phone, I said there was a message from her, as it seemed to me, he really perked up. That evening we drank a lot, but for some reason we weren’t drunk, our coordination of movements was just a little impaired, he told me that we were going to get a divorce, he didn’t want to be with me or her. He said that they stopped calling each other and agreed that everyone in their family would improve relationships. Together we cried, he over the fact that he would lose his children, and I over the fact that I was losing him. He remembered all my shortcomings, clung to every little thing, and the reason for the divorce was me, and not his love for his best friend’s wife. That night I jumped half naked and in stockings in front of him, but nothing came of it, he said that he didn’t want me.
The next day she offered him options - try again, the children are small: the daughter is 6 years old, the son is 8 months old, or during maternity leave, we got tired of each other - we separated, he agreed, we slept together, we were fine.
These 2 days passed and it was as if he had been replaced, a complete stranger, no longer agreeing to anything. I had no doubt that she and I still communicated on the phone and met. That night he said again that he didn’t want me. We took tickets again, because he said if I didn’t leave, he would. The last evening was the limit, he was going to drink in the company of friends, I asked him not to, I’m leaving with the children tomorrow, he didn’t listen, he left. He came at 2 o'clock in the morning, with a fume, a bottle of beer, angry, grabbed my hand, squeezed it and said with obscenities that if he suddenly found out that I went to a fortune teller, he would kill me. rang out phone call, I thought it was her, I tell him that you are a coward, it’s her, to which he replied: “Do you want to know who I’m talking to? This is my beloved woman. Everything has calmed down, be quiet.” All this was in rough form. He drove away, drunk, and got behind the wheel himself.
At night I practically didn’t sleep, I’m not stupid, I understood that he was with her, I was worried.
There was a plane in the morning, I agreed with a friend and her husband to see me and the children off, I didn’t count on him, I called a taxi. Literally 10 minutes before leaving the house, my husband arrived, took us to the airport himself, and on the way asked for forgiveness for 8 years living together, for the mistakes, for the pain I caused, but nothing about somehow improving our lives. To which I told him God will forgive. At the airport he cried, saying goodbye to the children, I told him: Goodbye, in response I heard GOODBYE! That's how we parted.
Already on the plane, her husband called and said that mine was with them and that night they slept together, her husband at that time was in the next room with his daughter. In the morning I came out: his wife was sleeping naked, and my husband was getting dressed, half naked. His friend asked: What are you doing? To which my husband replied: Sorry, I love her.
This is the situation, I don’t know what to do, I still love him, I’m ready to forgive, I want my children to have their father, and not a stranger. Help please.
We are both military, with the rank of captains, I am 28 years old, he is 33. His love is my age, her husband is 35, he has a daughter, the same age as our daughter.
Everyone who knows about this (parents, girlfriend) says he’ll go crazy and come back, but I either believe it or not.
Good afternoon My wife and I (the same age - 29 years old) have been dating for almost 10 years, we have been married for about 5 years, there are no children. The other day she told me that she overestimated her values in life and for about two years now she has been tormented by the question of whether she really loves (and whether she loved at all) or only as a very good friend - she was afraid to admit before. She also said that she communicated with another man (there was no betrayal, she herself admitted that she could not live with it) and he became interested in her, but she cut off all communication due to the fact that she could not deceive me. Also, that she needs an accomplished man, whom she doesn’t see in me yet. But she doesn’t have an exact answer to how she feels. I really love her as a wife, but I myself understand perfectly well that we need to take over the leadership in the relationship - because fateful decisions were made on her initiative - renting an apartment, and then a mortgage. We both work, we earn +/- the same. And this doesn’t suit her either, because she thinks that she needs that person who will give her impetus in her development and will be one step ahead and is afraid that now this is just attachment. In terms of family life, it was said that she has never been as comfortable as she is now - she is 150% satisfied. We decided to go to a family psychologist and put the dots together, but we haven’t chosen a psychologist yet. We've been talking very openly for the last week, spending a lot of time together, sleeping together, no sex. I confessed my love to her, to which they answered: “I love you too, but I don’t know how yet...” So I’m sitting and thinking that I also need to work on myself as a person because of my fears, including leaving my comfort zone (I'm really very afraid of this). If it matters, my mother raised me, my father took almost no part in it and lived separately for a long time, we even quarreled once after I told him everything I thought about him and didn’t talk for almost 10 years.
I’m sitting here wondering if it’s even possible to save our marriage. I understand with my mind that there could be a divorce, but I don’t want that, because I see her not only as a loved one, but also as a life partner.
SlavaI
Evgenia Sergeeva
Administrator
Slava, good night. The psychologist will answer the topic after a while.
Hello!
The main question for separation in your case can only be: does she love a specific other man so much that she considers it possible and necessary to destroy her family in order to build a life with him. If not, then, in my opinion, the person (your wife) is so used to good things that he has stopped appreciating them, and secondly, he simply has no idea about the norms in family relationships, namely, that such love, friendly, without passion and unbridled sex, is the essence of family love (according to Plato, storge), which is not found by everyone, and sometimes coldness, mutual indifference and competition for resources reign in the family . Such love as you have with your wife should be valued, since it is a natural acquisition of the years lived together, instead of indulging instincts (mostly having destructive properties), the thirst for sexual adventure and imaginary ideals of well-being behind the “lion’s” back. No wonder folk traditions in Rus' divorces were not expected and remarriages: human nature is imperfect, it needs to be educated. The meaning of quiet well-being is not immediately understood by everyone. And a person prefers to try and make mistakes in our world that has departed from tradition, for which he pays. As my favorite writer V. Shalamov said, “don’t look for the best from the good.” The thought continues that you will lose everything. Perhaps your wife needs to change, and not you. She is simply disoriented in values and meaning. Be confident in yourself, the problem is not you. Relationships are a two-person thing. You are not the only one who should be responsible for them and blame yourself. The wife herself must understand something, what is her duty, what is the norm and what is not the norm, why and for whom she lives, for what and for whom “life was created” - for whims and pleasures or creation and cooperation.
Thanks for the answer! We talked about this yesterday and I was told that he was only interested in him as an interesting personality, but nothing more and there was no point in focusing on this incident at all since “there wasn’t even a hint of anything serious there.” We finally decided to go to therapy together and figure everything out. During the experience, I also found a couple of serious, as it seems to me, phobias in myself and the need to work through them and change something in my son’s attitude towards life and goals in it. T.K. There has been stagnation at work for 3 years and I understand this, but I’m afraid to change something and really start to realize myself. My wife told me about our future fate that now everything has started to go in the right direction. I think it is necessary to tell you that the marriage proposal was made almost nothing and it bothered her - I came to this myself. The other day I ordered a wedding cake, bought another engagement ring and proposed again, but properly - with candles, music, flowers and on my knee. I noticed that now I only wear a new ring. To the question "Will you be my wife?" She answered something like this: “I would of course say Yes, but let’s finally figure it out.” We live together as before, we also sleep together, he hugs me at night and doesn’t push me away. I think that all is not lost and never really was.
Instructions
If you realize that you have fallen in love with your best friend's wife, the first thing to do is try to understand your own feelings. Find out whether they are serious, or whether you are just experiencing a fleeting feeling of passion and ordinary physical attraction. Only in this way can you understand how to act in the future.
If your sympathy for your best friend's wife is a banal feeling of passion and lust, there is no need to destroy someone else's stable relationship. Imagine that you manage to win the favor of the girl you want, you steal her away from your best friend, and after intimacy you simply lose interest in her. By such an act you will not only hurt the fairer sex, but also lose yourself true friend.
If you realize that you truly love your best friend's spouse, you need to pay attention to the relationship of these young people. When harmony and agreement reign in them, any of your actions will only cause negative consequences. You can simply destroy a good pair and again lose your faithful comrade. Just instill in yourself the idea that when a person sincerely loves someone, he should not care about making him feel good. A man in love should want his loved one to be happy. Leave any attempts to get closer to your friend's girlfriend, let them enjoy each other and be happy family life.
If you understand that your friend's wife is unhappy in her marriage, you can begin to take active steps. The first thing you need to do is talk to your best friend, apologize to him and tell him honestly about your feelings for his significant other. Say that you cannot do anything with them, since you have already tried to forget his wife. Explain that it pains you to see that your friend does not appreciate such a wonderful girl, and that you could make her happy. However, be prepared for the fact that your friendship will end there.
After talking with your friend, you can start wooing the girl. Surround her with attention and care. Make her understand that you are much better than her husband and are capable of loving and appreciating her. Confess your feelings. If a romantic relationship begins to develop between you, most likely the woman will decide to divorce. Just remember that if you do achieve your goal, you will have to take care of your beloved like the apple of your eye. Otherwise, all your actions will be in vain, and you will simply destroy her happy life, which will cause hatred of the fairer sex towards you.
