Perhaps the only news is that there is also a child on the side. How to react to such information and how to live with it further?

Calm, just calm

The first thing a woman who is stunned by this fact needs to do is calm down and realize it. Don't make a decision rashly, otherwise you may regret it later. Perhaps your rival is counting on the fact that the news that has fallen on you will paralyze common sense, and the bitterness of resentment will prompt you to pack the traitor’s bags and throw him out the door. She will gladly accept him to herself, having achieved her goal. Therefore, do not rush to cut down bridges.

Before making a decision, calm down, cool down, and objectively assess the reality and consequences of what is happening. Buy anti-anxiety medications to prevent nervous breakdown and other stress-related illnesses. Go shopping, go to the pool, throw out all the junk from your house, plant flowers, in general, do something you love that can calm you down. Don't sit within four walls, don't watch whiny TV shows and don't listen to sad music. Don't let yourself get depressed. Pull yourself together and think sensibly about what to do next.

Do you need such a husband?

When the emotions subside, you need to decide whether you need such a man? Do you want to fight for him and can you forgive the betrayal? However, if the man himself made a choice not in your favor, then this is a different story. But if your spouse doesn’t want to leave the family, and even a child on the side hasn’t given him any resolve, it means that he still values ​​you. Then it depends on you whether your relationship has a future.

When making such a decision, weigh the pros and cons, model the development of the situation several years in advance, consult with older children if you have established a trusting relationship. Do what is best for you personally and your children. But there is no need to feel sorry for his child on the side; let his mother worry about the fact that he will grow up without a father. In principle, she expected such a development of events when she gave birth to someone else’s husband.

A child from a mistress is not just proof of adultery, but a responsibility for life. If you decide to forgive your husband and stay with him, do not expect to limit his communication with your son or daughter as much as possible. If he good dad, such intersections are inevitable. This means he will have to see his mother too. Are you ready to accept such meetings? Will your heart be in the same place when your husband goes to another family? Can you still trust him? You cannot erase a child from your life. It will always connect your spouse and ex-lover. And would you believe that her status is ex?

If you decide to keep your family

If you have decided to forgive your husband, prepare yourself for the fact that now you will begin a different life. It won't be like before. And it depends on you whether you can be happy in it. First, accept the fact of having a child from another woman. He already is, and will always be: growing up and demanding his father's attention and financial support. It is not the child’s fault that he was born out of wedlock. And there is no need to cultivate hatred towards him. He is already punished by the fact that he is doomed to live in a single-parent family.

Secondly, if your husband has repented and you have forgiven him, then do not constantly blame him for what happened. The fact of betrayal should not come up in all family quarrels and be a reason for regular reproaches. Become your husband's ally in raising his child so that he does not hide the nuances of their relationship from you. Then you will be aware of joint plans, purchases and even secrets. After all, if a man feels your disapproval or specific complaints, he will hide their meetings, trips and expenses from you.

And thirdly, don’t think that this will always be the case. Over time, your husband’s participation in raising a child outside the family will decrease to a minimum and will be limited to rare meetings and compensated by gifts. As a rule, fatherly love develops from daily care and the habit of always being close. Therefore, due to circumstances, your spouse will not be as attached to his mistress’s child as he is to your common children.

Accepting someone else's child is quite difficult, especially if he is the fruit of your husband's infidelity. He will not let you forget about the betrayal, and he will never erase his mistress from your life. But if your spouse has repented and you want to save your family and father to your children, everything is in your hands. Your man will definitely appreciate your wisdom and will be grateful all his life for understanding, forgiving and accepting his child into your life.

what to do?

02.09.2010, 10:27

I’m in a state of shock, I don’t even understand what to do.. My husband has a child on his side. What to do? We have been married for almost 17 years. Son is a teenager. I always considered him a good husband. He is very kind, generous, and never once said “fool” to each other. We rarely quarreled, and we were always interested in each other. Five years ago we survived his betrayal. But when he came back to the family, she said that I could forgive only once. I forgave him, I didn’t remember it to him. We had money, hundreds of thousands of debts, and the threat of prison for economizing. the husband's crimes, in short, were tested with fires and swords and copper pipes. There were all sorts of things, but it always seemed to me that we loved each other. And suddenly, I accidentally (or not?) find out that he has a daughter from another woman. She is 3 years old. How it happened. We recently returned from vacation, and my husband cannot find the modem from his computer for 10 days. So I started using my laptop to access my mail. Yesterday I came in, but when I left, I didn’t close my box. Of course, I poked my nose in. All the letters are like letters, and only one attracted attention - in the subject line - “Help”. Immediately terrible thoughts about incurable diseases that he is hiding from me. I open it. It turned out that the certificate was not his, but so-and-so’s (his patronymic and surname). Well, it’s clear that I’m completely shocked. I ask my husband, he doesn’t deny that this is an illegitimate child, but he has no feelings for his mother - “I love you,” he says. He is not sure that this is his child, but he considered it necessary to give his last name, although a DNA examination was not done. He says that he doesn’t communicate with her, doesn’t give her money, because... The girl’s mother is very wealthy and doesn’t want all this herself. I certainly don't believe this. The horror is that it turns out that I live with a person I don’t know at all. And I don't understand. He always wanted a daughter, but then why didn’t he go to the one who gave birth to her? Maybe he's just comfortable with me - lunches, clean shirts, home comfort? And why did he give his last name? And, most importantly, how to live now? I would be very grateful for some clarity in my shock-clouded brain.

02.09.2010, 10:31

Calm, just calm

The first thing a woman who is stunned by this fact needs to do is calm down and realize it. Don't make a decision rashly, otherwise you may regret it later. Perhaps your rival is counting on the fact that the news that has fallen on you will paralyze common sense, and the bitterness of resentment will prompt you to pack your suitcases for the traitor and throw him out the door. She will gladly accept him to herself, having achieved her goal. Therefore, do not rush to cut down bridges.

Before making a decision, calm down, cool down, and objectively assess the reality and consequences of what is happening. Buy anti-anxiety medications to prevent a nervous breakdown and other stress-related illnesses. Go shopping, go to the pool, throw out all the junk from your house, plant flowers, in general, do something you love that can calm you down. Don't sit within four walls, don't watch whiny TV shows and don't listen to sad music. Don't let yourself get depressed. Pull yourself together and think sensibly about what to do next.

Natali, age: 28 / 05/01/2012

Smilla, age: 55 / 05/01/2012

Vladimir, age: 39 / 05/01/2012

Alexey, age: 27 / 05/01/2012

Tatyana, age: 40 / 05/01/2012

Natali, age: 28 / 05/02/2012

When making such a decision, weigh the pros and cons, model the development of the situation several years in advance, consult with older children if you have established a trusting relationship. Do what is best for you and your children personally. But there is no need to feel sorry for his child on the side; let his mother worry about the fact that he will grow up without a father. In principle, she expected such a development of events when she gave birth to someone else’s husband.

Nina Vishnevskaya, age: 42 / 05/03/2012

Alyonushka, age: 38 / 05/03/2012

Lera, age: 39 / 05/04/2012

Nadezhda, age: 54 / 05/04/2012

Natali, age: 28 / 05/05/2012

I want to find a wife much younger than myself.

The guy is always on the computer and doesn’t pay attention to me.

He will always remember that he has a son/daughter. My thoughts will return there. If he forgets about this, then I congratulate you; such a manifestation of his moral ugliness will sooner or later affect you and/or your children. And at the most inopportune moment!

It is not common for men in our Russian society to OPENLY take responsibility for themselves. At the very beginning, you will have the winning role of the victim. But you won’t be able to hold out in it all your life. If your husband’s mistress shows meekness and does not insist on alimony or otherwise interfere in your life, sooner or later she will become a victim, left by a woman with a child in her arms. And you will turn into a monster, cruelly punishing your man and his INNOCENT child.

You cannot predict who your husband's illegitimate child will grow up to be. Maybe it will be an influential politician, a successful businessman, or a bone marrow donor for your child. Your husband’s children are related to each other on their father’s side (that is, your children and that woman). Accept it.

You saw your mistress. Perhaps even talked to her. She is: scary/beautiful, young/old, smart/stupid, etc., underline as appropriate. You gave her YOUR characteristics. But! You DON'T KNOW her! You may be tormented by the question: what did he find in her? The answer is obvious: she is DIFFERENT. It doesn’t matter whether it’s worse or better, especially since it’s your conclusion, not his. She just has something that you don’t have. And that's normal. People are different! She is normal, with her own advantages and disadvantages. For you, she is the fiend of hell. But she has her own friends and relatives, for some she is a bright person, good friend, caring relative. Accept it!

If your husband spent more than three months with his mistress, then their relationship is not a passing passion. They are connected by something more. If they had (or have) intimacy for more than three months, then this is something more than passion. This is important to accept!

Sometimes the problem of adultery does not escape even the seemingly most prosperous families. It's no secret that, according to statistics, husbands act as cheaters much more often than women. Although psychologists almost all unanimously say that two people are almost always to blame for treason. In any case, the search for the “extreme” in such situations usually leads nowhere, and it all comes down to whether the wife is ready to forgive her “rogue” husband.

Surviving adultery is always very difficult, regardless of whether it has been forgiven or not. However, sometimes life can be even more inventive, and after a “trip to the left” it is later discovered that the husband has a child on the side. Then the situation takes a completely different turn, and a number of others are added to the emotional and psychological aspect: ethical, legal, economic.

How can a legal spouse act under such circumstances? Sometimes her husband makes the decision for her and goes to his mistress and her child. In other cases, the woman makes it clear to the cheater that he is no longer needed here. Psychologists, by the way, hint that this is the most correct solution to the problem. However, it often happens that in such a situation both spouses decide to save the family: the husband does not want to leave his legal wife, who nevertheless agrees to forgive the betrayal. This path is perhaps the most difficult and thorny, and not everyone manages to complete it to the end. Much here also depends on what decision the spouses will make regarding the fact that the husband now has a child on his side, because he has already been born into the world and it is not his fault that his father is married to another woman.

If your husband has a child on the side - an illegitimate child

Of course, as in other situations concerning human relationships, there is not and cannot be a single correct solution. But they emerge quite clearly possible options developments of events that are worth dwelling on in more detail.

Option number 1: “Either me or the child”

Unfortunately, this way out of the situation is quite often practiced by the offended adultery wives, and this is quite understandable. You can’t blame a woman for wanting to quickly return everything to its place and forget what happened like a bad dream. Men, given such an ultimatum, in 80% of cases, of course, choose life with their legal spouse. After all, for them this alternative is the most “comfortable” in all respects. It would seem that family harmony has been achieved again and you can live on as if nothing had happened. But that was not the case.

Psychologists give far from favorable predictions regarding such situations. And if you “dig deeper,” there is absolutely no reason for joy for the wives who were “preferred” to illegitimate children. Perhaps the fragile illusion of love and idyll. In fact, the fact that a man so easily not only abandoned another woman, but also his child, can only indicate his cowardice, hyper-egoism and infantility. In essence, by offering such an alternative, the wife allows her husband to hide behind her back from problems and troubles for which he himself is to blame. In future married life, one can expect only betrayal and constant flight from responsibility from such a man.

Option No. 2: “We’ll help you with money, but don’t count on anything else”

It is assumed that in this case the man helps the child financially, but does not play any parental role for him. Here any communication and meetings with the baby are completely excluded. The advantage here is that the spouse lives “in two families” only in a material sense, maintaining a psychological connection only with his legitimate children and spouse.

This option is most often chosen by men who are ready to take responsibility for their actions. However, an integral attribute here is the support of such a decision by the legal spouse. After all, not every woman and mother will be ready to sacrifice part of the family income for the sake of an illegitimate child, especially considering the fact that her husband had a child on his side directly because of infidelity. This requires enormous wisdom, kindness and tolerance. In the current situation, a man will probably have to realize that now his salary may not be enough to support all his dependents, and begin to look for additional income. After all, in essence, the mistake is his, and therefore the “costs” are also on his conscience.

It is believed that if the spouses decided to save their family after infidelity and the husband had an illegitimate child, then this scenario is the most reasonable and rational. In addition, psychologists say that if a man is ready to pay (in the literal sense of the word) for his “sins,” then this is a very significant sign of his emotional maturity. You can rely on such a person in difficult situations. life situation, without expecting any tricks on his part.

Option number 3: “I will become your dad”

This means that a man will take an active part in raising not only his legitimate child, but also an illegitimate one. Of course, such behavior seems very heroic and noble in appearance. After all, in this way the newly-made father assumes considerable responsibility for the fate of the baby. However, in practice it usually turns out quite differently.


We can safely say that this is the most painful scenario for the development of events, because from now on the man will be a dad “on two fronts.” No matter how ethical and correct such a solution to the problem may seem, it will bring suffering to literally everyone. It will look something like this: both children experience a lack of love and attention, since the father is literally “torn” between the two of them; the legal wife is unpleasant that her husband visits the house of his former mistress, so such visits are regularly accompanied by scandals; the mother of an illegitimate child is dissatisfied with the only partial presence of a man in the family. To all this it is worth adding that, perhaps, such a situation will make the man himself the most unhappy. It is difficult to imagine the intense emotional stress he will have to live under day after day.

In most cases, attempts to build such a line of behavior fail miserably when someone from the existing polygon loses their nerve. Most often, this happens to the “happy dad” himself, because after some time he begins to understand that he will not be able to please everyone. This will create an even more complex situation, which will no longer be possible to resolve with minimal losses for all parties.

Option number 4: “He will live with us”

This is perhaps the most extreme way out. Fortunately, people resort to it extremely rarely. And this is not surprising, because solving the problem in this way involves many obstacles, starting with the healthy reluctance of the mother to give her baby to another family, ending with the unwillingness of the legitimate child to accept a “brother or sister.” However, in some situations such a move may be justified, for example, by the extreme disadvantage of the mother of an illegitimate child: if she abuses alcohol, drugs, or for some other reason cannot give him a full upbringing. In other cases, psychologists recommend thinking again about other alternatives.

In conclusion, it is worth adding that from a psychological point of view, the situation in which the husband has a child on the side is serious, and its complexity cannot be underestimated. Therefore, before making any decision, it would be best to seek help from a psychologist. It will help spouses assess the current circumstances as rationally as possible and, based on this, figure out what to do next.

Option one. "Either him or me"

The most favorite option of deceived wives is to shed tears, throw a tantrum, grab their hearts and whisper with almost blue lips: “Choose - either me or this child.” And eight out of ten men caught doing something “hot”, with downcast eyes, say: “Of course, you, my love. I was mistaken, this is only her child, I don’t want to know anything about him.” The wife is delighted happy family I found the meaning of life again.

However, the opinion of psychologists on this matter is not at all as rosy as the opinion of the wife who was preferred to “this child.” It turns out that if a man can so easily refuse not only a woman with whom he had sex on the side, but even his own natural child, this only speaks of his immaturity, cowardice and super selfishness. Choosing between a small child (where there are only problems and worries) and a familiar wife (we naturally do not talk about love, since there is no trace of it), such a man, of course, will choose his own comfort.

Worldly wisdom says that if a man is able to so easily abandon his own child, then it is difficult to call him a man. And in vain the wife rejoices that she won this battle; as a rule, she gets a coward and a traitor as a reward.

Option two. "Only money"

A wise wife and a man with self-esteem, as a rule, choose option two when the child is financial assistance, but at the same time there are no plans for dates and meetings (when will daddy come?) at all. Psychologists are confident that this option is one of the most reasonable. On the one hand, the fact of adultery and the birth of a child cannot be changed, and if a man has decided to stay in the family and his legal wife also agrees with this decision, then it is “humane” to help the child who gave birth financially, without playing the role of a visiting dad.

Psychologists are confident that if a man is able to bear responsibility for his back-and-forth movements of the pelvis outside the home and compensate for these sprees at least financially, then not everything is as bad as it might seem at first. Providing for an illegitimate child financially is the very responsibility of an adult man for his actions. And, probably, the wife in such a situation should draw conclusions and reconsider her behavior, because next to her there remained a man who is truly a Man, even if he made a mistake.

Option three. "Communication with a child"

One of the most difficult options, leading, as a rule, to the breakdown of the family, and before that to a long and painful agony, is communication between one’s own husband and an illegitimate child. Psychologists say that this option is the most painful for all people drawn into this everyday vaudeville, for the man, his wife, his legitimate and illegitimate children. This is exactly the case when they say “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” No one has ever managed to remain good to everyone, to his wife, to “that” child, and to his legitimate children.

krasotka.postimees.ee

My husband has a child: what to do?

The husband has a child - the situation is so stunning, especially when it turns out unexpectedly, that 2 allies will help in resolving it. One of them, oddly enough, is humor, and the second is, of course, common sense.

Today at the women's club "Those Over 30" we present you with a theater and would like to wish that in your life it becomes a theater of comedy, not drama!

Let's look at several situations with you. Let's go progressively.

Scene one: the husband has a child from his first marriage

It seems that everything is clear here - you already knew that your spouse left the family where he was native child, we thought that we would be able to cope with this, but not everything is as rosy as we would like.

Does it seem to you that he pays more attention to that child than to you or your common one? Are you worried that money is leaving your family for alimony? Or, on the contrary, you don’t like that he doesn’t communicate with the child from his first marriage, and you’re afraid that he might also leave you and your common one?

  • Look at the situation soberly and decide not what you want first, but think about other people. About your ex-wife, about your child from your first marriage, about your husband.

Prohibited techniques cannot be used:

  • prohibit communication with a child from a first marriage,
  • Call your wife and demand that she limit your husband's communication with her family.

Look for the positives in everything. After all, your child has a half-brother or sister, try to make them friends. This does not mean that you have to spend the entire weekend together, but make sure that these meetings bring genuine joy to everyone.

If ex-wife your husband does not allow you to communicate with his child, also do not insist otherwise. But be careful: suddenly she decides to return him back!

Scene two: husband has an illegitimate child

Betrayal is an extremely difficult test for the entire family “ship”. But for some reason many women turn a blind eye to this. And those who do not close are sometimes in real shock from finding out the details. For example, that the husband is not just having an affair on the side, but is already a full-fledged second family (by the way, our site has already written about this).

And here it is important not to mess things up. No, the komy-za30.ru club does not suggest that you tolerate a traitor all your life. But it’s important not to lash out, but to understand everything. Break down the whole situation.

If your husband has a child on the side, but he does not want to leave your family, then ask yourself a few questions:

  • how much you worry about everything that happened,
  • do you feel in at the moment that something is going wrong in the relationship,
  • are you ready for a calm and constructive dialogue with your husband,
  • It is also important what exactly your husband says - did he apologize, did he explain his actions, does he intend to communicate with the illegitimate child in the future, does he communicate at the moment.

You should decide for yourself what to do: can you live with him if your husband has a child on the side and he will communicate with him. And also - will you accept the fact that he will simply leave him to the mercy of fate, in which case he will behave dishonestly. Although it is quite difficult to talk about the decency of the person who cheated. But no matter how hard it is, we must admit that sometimes women themselves push people to cheat.

And perhaps the mistress’s pregnancy was not in the plans. But then this happened, a child appeared - and in fact he, this child, is not to blame for anything.

Scene three: the husband's mistress will have a child

As promised at the beginning of the article, we present you with increasing situations. Because in the case of a husband’s mistress who shows up and has a child, the situation can be extremely twofold.

Alternatively, she may not be pregnant at all, or she may be pregnant, but not from your husband, but simply blackmail him. Why? Interesting question. The moral character of those women who get into other people's families is like a secret sealed with seven seals. Perhaps you just want to destroy someone else's family. Or, for example, it seems to her that it is easier to “accustom” a family man to a family than to marry a bachelor.

Of course, when her husband refuses to leave the family, she begins to understand that the “flying in” action was a failure. But what to do in this situation? What should you do? Forgive your husband? Conduct DNA testing? Beg your lover to have an abortion?

The first and most important thing is an open conversation with your husband. Try not to have any contact with his mistress at all.

It's a slightly different story if your husband's mistress has a child and he wants to leave your family. No matter how hard it is, you definitely shouldn’t hold it. With persuasion, scandals, and hysterics you will only push him away.

And think for yourself - do you need a traitor who not only cheated on you, but also had a child on his side? Of course, it’s difficult at the moment, but in the future, when you go through this path of worry, denial and acceptance of the accomplished fact, you will understand that it was necessary. This is an experience, but not everything in life always goes smoothly.

No matter how difficult it is now, smile. Face your problem and solve it. It’s better this way than to fight in hysterics and prove something. It’s just a waste of time, but the fact remains: now my husband has a child.

For those over 30 – a club for women over 30.

www.komy-za30.ru

As a result of infidelity, her husband had a child on the side - advice from psychologists

Hello! First you need to understand yourself, Understand yourself - what do you want? You write a lot about him. He must deal with himself. And you with you. If he is dear to you and you love him, and especially if you have already forgiven him, you need to move on with your life. To give birth or not to give birth - this issue must be decided together.

It seems to me that you yourself have lost your value for yourself in the first place, you have stopped seeing yourself as a woman and a wife, maybe you have become part of the house, everyday life, that your husband decided to look for someone on the side? How can you be interesting to him? Do you have any hobbies or hobbies? Do you love your job? Is there a desire to develop? All this is important. It is important that you not only love him and look after him, care for him, but also what does he do for you? And if nothing, how do you feel about it? take it for granted?

Relationships cannot be sustained on loyalty and devotion alone.

If you start taking care of your life and appreciating yourself, then your husband may also turn his gaze in your direction.

If you don’t understand where to start and how to build your life longer, come to me for a consultation, I work on Skype. Together we will figure it out and outline steps to restore relationships.

Best regards and best wishes,

Rodina Galina Vladimirovna, psychologist Podolsk

www.all-psy.com

How to deal with the fact that your husband has a child on the side? - advice from psychologists

Cvetlaya

My name is Elena, 40 years old, married for 21 years, 2 children - 18 and 14 years old.

The situation is as follows - my husband and I have a mutual friend, or rather, initially my husband’s acquaintance from work, she is now 37 years old. She was a generally pleasant woman, but her personal life was not going well; she lived all her life with her mother (her father died early). At some point, she decided to have a child for herself in order to live “with a purpose.” And it so happened that besides my husband, she had no one to turn to for “help.” He approached the issue “seriously” - at his suggestion, she lost 20 kg in six months, cured all her ailments, including those related to gynecology, and after that he “made” her a baby. Now the boy is 4.5 years old.

My husband decided to tell me everything when he found out for sure that she was pregnant. It seems like for him it was an act of help, not betrayal. For some reason he didn’t want to lie and hide from me; the conversation was very difficult for him. He said that he really hopes that I will forgive, she gave birth for herself, she has no complaints, and in general, nothing will change in his relationship with me and our children. She had no right to complain. But it so happened that he became attached to his son (we have 2 daughters). She visits him every week or two, takes him somewhere (sometimes he forgets to remove the child’s harness from the car), and such things are felt, I even accidentally saw a photo on a flash drive. Mom doesn’t mind “dad coming.” I didn’t throw a tantrum, I just talked to him. He himself admitted that he became attached, he visits his son, there is no longer a “relationship” with his mother (although I think this worries me less).

I am an adequate person, a medical worker with a higher education, we have a good family, my husband loves and appreciates me (including for my forgiveness of his actions). I thought that I would quickly let go of the situation, many men have children on the side, and in general, males are polygamous, but this has been tormenting me for 4 years. The child seems to be standing between us.

Everything looks fine, I don’t talk to my husband about anything anymore, but I understand that everything will continue to continue, the child will not disappear! Or maybe everything will get worse. I even began to notice that over the past couple of years I had lost interest in my husband. I don’t want to get a divorce, because I’m not against him as a husband and a person, and the children don’t know anything, naturally. In short, family is sacred. I continue to worry, I can’t do anything. I know what is fraught with danger, because again, I am a health worker.

I would be very grateful if you help me “let go” and continue to live happily in harmony with myself (the main thing) and with my husband (very desirable). Thank you!

I would be very grateful if you help me “let go” and continue to live happily in harmony with myself (the main thing) and with my husband (very desirable).

Think and try to answer the question:
What would you do right now if you didn't have all this:
I'm an adequate person

medical worker with higher education,

many men have children on the side,

and in general - males are polygamous

family is sacred

What are your actions today, if we abstract from these rational attitudes?

Cvetlaya

I probably would have thrown a vulgar hysteria with breaking dishes and pulling out hair on the topic “choose - either me or him” and kicked my husband out of the gate)) The point is that I want harmony for myself in order to live normally with all this, especially , I understand that this is possible. But so far it doesn't work...

I got it, thanks.
Describe what your life with your husband looks like in terms of distribution of roles. Who is the leader, who is the follower? Who has more financial and career weight? How are decisions made in the family? How relationships are built in general - in more detail...
And one more thing:
If the husband is a color, what color?
If he is an animal, what kind?
If it is a fruit, what kind?

Cvetlaya

We have been together for a very long time, since we were 19, and we grew and developed together, from scratch. Therefore, there is no obvious difference in status. He likes to know that he is the head and leader, that he is in charge of the budget, I like to support him in this and feel like a weak woman)) In general, I always felt confident with him, like a strong shoulder. I even respected him more after he told me everything (it seemed to me then that this required courage). Financially, we also have no obvious differences - my official salary is higher due to my work in a private company, and he has more opportunities for part-time jobs (sometimes very well paid, sometimes none at all). We make decisions very differently; the more important and weighty the issue, the harder it is to argue with it and talk to it (for example, a first trip abroad, a child’s admission to a university, an expensive purchase here). Sometimes it's easier for me to agree if the topic allows it. He is generally stubborn (I once read a horoscope about my husband, although I don’t really believe in it - Aries is always stubborn, always confident and always a leader, although not necessarily a leader/boss - it’s about him). If the situation is unfamiliar to him and not under his control, he gets nervous, everything must be under control, even when driving himself. But on the other hand, he’s always calm, doesn’t get into hysterics and quarrels (everything has happened in 20 years), lets you speak and is the first to make peace. Relationships were built in different ways, there was instability, lack of money, quarrels, etc., but as we grew up together, everything calmed down and moved into such a calm, serene, confident stage, that is, not habit-boredom-dullness, but vice versa - when everything is good and that’s why it’s calm. ((And I want to keep this for myself))

If the husband is a color, what color? – probably bright, fiery, orange, maybe, or yellow.

If he is an animal, what kind? - a lion with the head of a ram, to argue and break through walls with his forehead))

If it is a fruit, what kind? – let it be something calm, an apple, for example, or a pear.

Great, thanks.
Even from your short description, it is clear to me what two parts your husband consists of in your eyes:
From what it really is
And from what you want to see in it)
Actually, the key to solving your problem lies precisely in this - especially your perception of the world in general and your husband in particular. Although this is not only your feature...
This can be solved through cognitive therapy - you just need to correct your vision of reality, clearly separate what in it belongs, so to speak, to the objective factual part, and what is a product of your imagination - which you, like most educated and energetic people, have a very powerful)
Thus, you will see and discard your own mental mistakes - strengthen the part of your castle that is on the sand)
Do you know what I mean?
Are you ready for this kind of work?

Cvetlaya

I understand, and I’m completely confused, to be honest. To say the least, shocked. I thought I was bothering myself about everything that wasn’t worth it, I was taking it too seriously, I was thinking a lot, it’s a piece of cake, but it turns out that this is a diagnosis in five minutes, and even needs professional correction... I really want to continue working, especially now I understand, that what you said actually takes place and interferes.

I thought, I’m bothering myself about everything that’s not worth it, I’m taking it too seriously, I’m overthinking it a lot, it’s a piece of cake

You see, our psychological health, unlike our physical health (this will be especially clear to you as a physician), depends not so much on the state of the environment, but on OUR PERCEPTION of the environment.
In the psychological aspect, you, like all of us, contact and communicate not with the environment, but WITH YOUR PERSPECTIVE ABOUT IT)
Accordingly, not so much with her husband, but with her idea of ​​her own husband)
This is what we need to understand.
I really want to continue working, especially now I understand that what you said is actually happening and is getting in the way.

Fine.
You have more or less described the problematic condition that you want to get rid of.

Now describe the desired state:
The model of relationship that you want to get and the sensations that you want to experience.
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And, by the way: if it is more convenient for you (and it is more convenient for me) to communicate not in the “one post per day” mode, but to discuss everything at once, then we can agree on a time and do this.

Cvetlaya

You have puzzled me - what do I want to get?.. I definitely want to return to my comfort zone. T.K. I can’t rewind the situation, I want to learn to live with it. I'm probably more phlegmatic and a little more introverted. I feel comfortable at home, I love being alone (I even appreciate these moments of loneliness). Work now takes up a lot of time (I’m forced to replace the maternity manager, management and responsibility for the staff is mentally difficult for me, exhausting, even though I know the work - it’s not my element - but here, probably, it doesn’t depend on anything, I always knew that it was not my thing, and ambitions in work and career growth are not for me. As they say, I’m good in my place, at the age of 40 I accepted this for myself and finally learned it). I still thought that I was “crazy” because of work, and I kept waiting for the manager to come out and everything would return, i.e. h. my harmony))

I am ready to communicate this week, any time, for example, from 10-00 to 17-00, from today to Friday

It’s the same in my personal life - I feel good in my family, with my husband, children, I would really like to live on and grow old with this person, I feel calm, comfortable, reliable with him, no matter what.